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Original poster

Why is bad sex guy still texting me?

69 replies

everythingisopposite · 01/01/2020 14:03

A little while ago I had a thread about a guy I had sex with and it was awful. I felt quite dehumanised by it. He was oblivious and wanted us to meet again. I decided to tell him I wouldn't have sex with him but would meet for a cup of tea. He agree and we met in a café. I'm quite glad I did because it definitely confirmed for me that I wouldn't want any kind of relationship this guy, even notwithstanding the terrible sex. After the cafe, he walked me to my car and looked quite angry and upset and said he had been really (pulled an appalled ,upset face) when he got my text and said in a disbelieving voice 'was it really that bad!?'. I didn't want to say 'yes it bloody was' in a public street so instead paused and said ' I haven't liked how presumptuous you have been - just assuming that I would have sex with you.' (which is also true). We parted and I never expected to hear from him again. The next day I got a text saying he thought it would have been okay for us to have a just physical relationship but he thought that wasn't what I wanted so goodbye. I replied 'no problem, it clearly wasn't going anywhere'. End of I thought.
But on Chrismas Eve I got a text asking if I wanted to come over for a beer after the kids were in bed. I presumed he has sent this to me by mistake so replied to say so, he said ' no I thought maybe you would like a drink after the stress of Christmas. Sorry if it is a bad idea'. I replied to say I wouldn't be going. He apologised and said it was a crazy idea. Than last night I got an early text at New Year wishing me a Happy New Year.
I don't get it. What is he till texting me?

OP posts:

SylvanianFrenemies · 01/01/2020 16:19

He thinks he's laying the ground for a no-strings shag set up.

You need to either block him, or be much more direct next time he makes a move e.g. "No thanks. I really did not enjoy sex with you. There is absolutely zero chance I will ever have sex with you again". You are making the mistake of judging him by your own standards of behaviour and communication.

keepingbees · 01/01/2020 16:28

You don't want anything to do with him so why does it matter if you seem rude?
You're encouraging him by continuing to engage with him. Say goodbye and block. Done.

BorissGiantJohnson · 01/01/2020 16:33

He's misinterpreting your comments as you're being too polite. "It wouldn't be a good idea" leaves it open for his imagination to add "but she'd like to" so he keeps trying. Say "No offence but I didn't enjoy having sex with you at all and it definitely won't be happening again".

Lllot5 · 01/01/2020 16:41

Just block him surely.
You keep answering him he thinks you don’t mean what you’re saying.

Janaih · 01/01/2020 16:49

You know you get those automated cold calls and if you answer they know you're a real person so keep on ringing? This is like that. He sees any response as a green light and will keep trying. Just stop replying. He wont care he will have other poor women to pester.

DuchessofWoke · 01/01/2020 16:55

Why would you meet for “a cup of tea” with a man you had “dehumanising” sex with?

You’re giving out mixed signals OP.

Original poster

everythingisopposite · 01/01/2020 17:15

Mass texts??? People do that? How does that work? What happens if several people reply to say ' ok then.'?

I think you 'you keep replying' line is a bit much. Twice, once to say 'wrong person' and once to say ' no I won't meet you', Is hardly 'keeping texting'. To me that is just normal communication in a normal world.

If he texts again I'll just say, 'I don't think we have anything in common and I am not meeting you again.' If he tries again I'll block then. I don't care if blocking is normal now. I don't think it is a nice thing to do and I'd only do it in extremis - like in the situation I have just outlined.

OP posts:

Bluerussian · 01/01/2020 17:15

Just ignore or block him. If you don't respond to his texts he'll eventually get the message and move on.

DuchessofWoke · 01/01/2020 17:16

But why did you meet him for the tea after the “dehumanising sex?”

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 01/01/2020 17:18

Why you even met him for a cup of tea is beyond me, I mean you didn’t enjoy sex with him. You didn’t want him so:why even bother meeting the second time??

You’ve told him you don’t want a relationship/to see him again, if he continues to text then block him.

Some women honestly really do fall over themselves to be polite

Bigredumbrella · 01/01/2020 17:25

The whole thing is strange why would you meet someone for tea after sex that was 'dehumanizing' . That sounds like an awful experience for you. You've said you dont.want anything further with him so why keep the door open for communication. Block him and move on have no further contact. Its not rude,its setting boundaries

Redcrayons · 01/01/2020 17:36

Don’t reply to him Again. Stop being nice and just ignore.

Sagradafamiliar · 01/01/2020 17:46

Does he realise that you aren't seeing each other?

Original poster

everythingisopposite · 01/01/2020 17:47

I met him for tea because (a) I had sex with him because I had a nice evening with him and there was the chance we might be friendly even if nothing more. I wanted to find that out. And I did. We won't be. And (b) it was after the election and because his job is related to all that and I was genuinely interested in his views. I am quite nerdy about politics.

It wouldn't cross my mind that not blocking someone was 'keeping the lines open for communication', after you have both clearly communicated a mutually agreed and satisfactory ending of things. And technically, and in his mind for sure, he did dump me - how I was I to know he would get back in touch again?. It is 20 years since I was on the dating scene mind, but Jesus, if this is how things have changed since then, it sure ain't for the better. Having to block people from contact before they leave you alone! jeez.

OP posts:

ElloBrian · 01/01/2020 17:48

Oh god it isn’t Dominic Cummings is it

Original poster

everythingisopposite · 01/01/2020 17:53

No. Jacob Rees Mogg

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 01/01/2020 17:56

Op, you need some sort of counselling to help you with your boundaries. They are currently quite poor. Wanting to see if you could be friendly with someone who dehumanised you during sex is incredibly worrying.

Twenty years ago if you had sex that was awful and dehumanising you would not arrange another date. You would get your housemates to screen calls. Or let it ring and 1471. Blocking has the same result but is easier.

You do not have to be polite to someone who dehumanises you during sex.

Original poster

everythingisopposite · 01/01/2020 18:02

Goodness me Calleigh. I found it dehumanising because he only touched my vulva. I didn't like that. He was crap in bed. He wasn't violent or degrading in other ways. I set my boundaries by not wanting to have sex with him again and communicating that to him and letting him decide if he still wanted to meet again for a cup of tea. .
I wouldn't say someone being utterly appalling in bed is a reason not to be friendly. I decided not to want to be friendly with him for other reasons. And I am setting that boundary by not seeing him again.

I'm satisfied with my boundary setting.

OP posts:

Ohyesiam · 01/01/2020 18:04

You do not have to be polite to someone who dehumanises you during sex.

If I remember the previous thread, he didn’t de humanise her during sex, it’s that she felt Dehumanised by the experience, his lack of skill, and his lack of insight into the lack of skill.

madcatladyforever · 01/01/2020 18:04

Tell him it was the absolute worst sex you ever had and you feel like vomiting just thinking about it. Why on earth did you meet up with this cretin again? Block him.
Was this fisting guy?

EoinMcLovesCakeJumper · 01/01/2020 19:32

OP, you were the one who used the word "dehumanised" in your initial post. It's a strong word for a lot of people that implies something more than just a crap shag, so that's probably why you're getting more extreme replies than you feel the situation warrants. I did read your last thread about this guy but not everybody will have done - I think a lot of people will be imagining worse things than what actually happened.

As to your question "why is he still texting?" people are just saying that he's doing it because he's still hoping there might be a repeat and because he's had a response, however minimal. This is more than he would get from a lot of women, because they would have blocked him, so he might be interpretating it as ongoing interest. Some men won't take anything as a no other than being ignored, so unfortunately you'll either have to be rude or continue to get occasional, hopeful messages from him.

beautifulstranger101 · 01/01/2020 19:36

I remember that thread! and some people were all "poor guy! how dare you be so rude to him about how bad he was in bed!" etc
Well look at that- now he won't take no for an answer. I knew he was an arse- block him. He's contacting you because he cannot believe you dont want more sex with him, his arrogance won't let him believe he was that crap in bed so he's trying to prove to himself that you still want him and that bolsters his ego.

Just block him- no means no and its really concerning he doesnt seem to get that. But also, its not surprising considering how he was in bed.

Candyfloss99 · 01/01/2020 19:38

They rarely stop messaging if you keep replying.

madcatladyforever · 01/01/2020 19:43

It's tragic how many women on here don't tell idiots to just get stuffed or block them instead they fanny about trying to communicate with them, let them down gently or follow up with dates they don't want. Men wouldn't do that, if they had the slightest hesitation about you they would never contact you again.
This is why women end up with wife beaters and losers as husbands.
Stop being so soft. All this guy is after is sex and he has no feelings.

Lipz · 01/01/2020 19:47

If you don't want anything to do with him then block and delete his number, there is no reason to keep it . He's not looking for a friend. You're giving him mixed signals by replying to him.

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