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Original poster

Feeling at rock bottom tonight

45 replies

Checkthemeaning · 31/12/2019 20:30

I just need to talk to people if this is an ok space to do that?

My husband ended our marriage in September and the last three months have been horrendous as we've had to live together part time (he has two kids and stays in the house when he has them). Our relationship has completely deteriorated to the point where he will tell me he wishes I didn't exist anymore & that I fully deserve everything that's happened. He has no empathy for me now & states he hates me like he's never hated anyone.

I have found a house to buy but this will take time. His kids won't talk to me as they've heard us argue and naturally take their dads side. I'm basically sat in my bedroom the majority of the time so I don't bump into the kids or him in the house. It's so so awkward.

I'm sat here on my own (my choice I admit) just mourning everything that I've lost this year and I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel tonight. I feel like I'm being forced to live a life I don't want & I do still miss him (for my sins) but he's made it pretty clear he can't wait to have me out of his life

Can anyone offer words of wisdom or advice as I'm feeling as low as I can be right now. Thankyou

OP posts:
sockittome123 · 31/12/2019 20:33

I'm here OP. It's shit, isn't it? I can offer handholds and unMumsnetty hugs, but the words of wisdom/advice may be best left to others. (I inevitably say the wrong thing!)

StealthBoaster · 31/12/2019 20:36

I'm sorry. It sounds shit and NYE magnifies it. BUT, next year you will have your freedom and your future to do with what you will.

Flowers

Happy New Year. It WILL get better.

Craftycorvid · 31/12/2019 20:39

No advice, just a virtual hug and a wish for next year to be a better one for you. Flowers

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floffel · 31/12/2019 20:39

Chat away to us. It will get better I promise - you sound very dignified and adult about the current reality.

Congratulations on finding a house - would you like to tell us about it? Do you have any thoughts on what space you will create for yourself?

What’s the one thing you want to have done in 366 days? This time next year?

PurpleBee39 · 31/12/2019 20:40

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation.
Is there any chance you could speak to him and say ‘we’re about to start a new year, can we be grown ups and just be civil to each other until I move out?’ Is there any way this could work?

If this doesn’t work, do you have family or friends you could visit on the days he is there? Just to break up your week to take the pressure off?

TheGinGenie · 31/12/2019 20:44

I'm so sorry. I don't have much advice but I also feel awful and lonely this evening and am just crying to myself. We will get through it. I don't know if you follow Matt Haig but I find him very helpful for perspective about how it can get better

Original poster
Checkthemeaning · 31/12/2019 20:48

Sockittome - it's the absolute worst time ever. I feel like I've lost every single part of my stability.

Floffel - it's a 2 bedroom new build & im looking forward to having my own space & decorating it how I like but also incredibly scared about the loneliness. This time next year I just hope to be happy & that as much as I don't want this separation it was the right decision.

Funnily enough PurpleBee I tried this tonight but he wasn't interested & said he's a grudge holder so he will never care about me or anything to do with me ever again.

Thankyou to everyone for your responses, you don't realise how much you all reaching out to me is appreciated. I'm feeling like a worthless and unwanted human being tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
Checkthemeaning · 31/12/2019 20:49

TheGinGenie - I'm sending a hug over to you. It's a bleak feeling and you feel like you're the only person in the world sat on your own.

OP posts:
ChequerBoard · 31/12/2019 20:49

Sorry your having such a tough time OP. Try ana focus on your new beginning and think how different you will feel this time next year. Thanks

Nearlyadoctor · 31/12/2019 20:53

Handholding op- you deserve better, although it may not seem like that at the moment and you may think you miss him but you probably just miss the former him or idea of him ( if that makes sense)

You’ve got a new house lined up so that’s something positive to look forward to.
It’s sad about the kids as I’m guessing you probably got on with them in the past.

It’s a really difficult time of year which doesn’t help, but you sound dignified and you have a plan so hold on to that. Start planning your new home, just ideas, colour schemes etc.
It will get better, although I know it may not seem like that now.
I’ve been there and always felt everyone else coped / managed better than I did, but they don’t. Give yourself a pat on the back for managing to get through the last 3 months,many people couldn’t have coped under the circumstances

Goodebe · 31/12/2019 20:53

I hate nye, it amplifies everything
Take supplies to your room, snacks drinks tv... make it your sanctuary and don’t engage with anyone if you can help it x

HollowTalk · 31/12/2019 20:54

But you will never again be as lonely as you are now, living like that. You have a great future ahead of you without this horrible man and his children.

Nearlyadoctor · 31/12/2019 20:55

Also Flowers to @TheGinGenie - sorry to here you’re feeling so miserable tonight.

floffel · 31/12/2019 20:55

A two bedroom new build sounds fantastic - do you have a garden? Sounds like all your neighbours will be new as well - so great chance to meet new people and create the life you want. Make sure you have a couple of bottles of wine and biscuits in a box so you can invite everyone in on your first day there. Are you planning on a pet or do you already have one?

Nearlyadoctor · 31/12/2019 20:57

Just remember op you cant make it work on your own - I was never as lonely on my own ( 6 yrs) as I was with my first husband Hmm

Nearlyadoctor · 31/12/2019 20:58

Just realised I echoed @HollowTalk sentiments

Dontknowwhyidoit · 31/12/2019 21:03

No advice but sending you 💐. Next year is your new chapter and hopefully it will be a great one

Original poster
Checkthemeaning · 31/12/2019 21:05

I'm doing my best to be positive and realise there is life after him but I'm just struggling to find that strength today. I feel like I'm just existing at the moment & that I'll never feel happy again. I'm not saying one person was my whole life but it's the magnitude of everything I've lost - him, the kids, the house, my marriage. It just feels like the world has collapsed in on itself.

I just don't want this new life I'm being forced to have which is an absolutely ridiculous thing to feel as it's completely out of my control.

I'm sorry for wallowing - I just feel like I've wasted 7 years with someone that can just now pretend not to know me. And it bloody hurts.

Thankyou for everything you are all saying - every single post is appreciated and I am grateful

OP posts:
TheGinGenie · 31/12/2019 21:06

Thanks @nearlyadoctor and @Checkthemeaning. OP you’re definitely not a worthless human, it’s just been a tough time.

Original poster
Checkthemeaning · 31/12/2019 21:08

Nearlyadoctor - You are exactly right. I DID feel lonely in my marriage. And very invisible. But I feel like I never would've just given up on him. Guess this is all pointless now as this is the path I'm on

OP posts:
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 31/12/2019 21:09

You poor thing, it’s a terrible time to be feeling like this. Can you immerse yourself in a box set, try and forget for the night ? I’m watching get shorty on now tv, can’t stop watching it.

I have been in your position in the past and it really hurts, but in time you can heal, especially in your own flat ! I lived alone in my flat for a long time before meeting someone and I loved it, miss it now still.

Dubya · 31/12/2019 21:14

Here for you OP, glad you have got a house on the horizon, although I know it doesn't feel exciting to you now, from experience having your own space again is actually such a positive step in moving forward. Is there anything you can pop on telly and get lost in tonight? New year's Eve always amplifies everything, especially on social media when people posting their highlights; perhaps don't go on Facebook etc if you have them.

PatchworkElmer · 31/12/2019 21:22

I’m so sorry @Checkthemeaning. Sending a virtual hand hold. At least 2020 will bring freedom from the terrible limbo, and you can start to build a life without him.

floffel · 31/12/2019 21:22

@Checkthemeaning - sharing this with you, I found it helpful www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_how_the_worst_moments_in_our_lives_make_us_who_we_are

Yetanotherwinter · 31/12/2019 21:25

So sorry you’re going through this. Please remember that the situation will get better. You’ll recover and eventually put this difficult period behind you. Stay strong. You can do this 💐

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