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Original poster

3 year old hits me all the time

32 replies

butwhateverfor · 31/12/2019 18:43

3 yrs 4 m ds hits me all the time, and headbutts me, sometimes on my head which really hurts. He puts his hands in my face and my eyes too.

I'm a sahm, he's at nursery 2 mornings, usually. Otherwise normal child, bright, friendly with others. He doesn't try it with my husband, his father, who is admittedly stricter than me.

He is a big lad and it is now painful and also quite triggering for me to keep being hit (was a battered child). But 'the gentle approach' seems to not work. He just headbutted me on my temple and it hurt so much I lost it and shouted at him.

I am at my wits end and really upset not knowing how to handle it. Husband isn't much help, just says I need to 'discipline him more'.

What can I do?

OP posts:
darndifino · 31/12/2019 18:49

You said it yourself - the approach you are taking at the moment isn't working, is it?

Your DH is right - you are going to have to be much more firm with him (verbally) and give him a telling-off. Raise your voice. Be consistent. Your arms are longer than his, so hold him away from you. If you are keeping him at arm's-length he can't reach you to hit you.

2020theteendrink · 31/12/2019 18:53

Discipline means to teach.

You don't need to raise voice to teach him expected behaviour.

Original poster
butwhateverfor · 31/12/2019 19:02

Could anyone suggest ways that work? I am getting very run down with it all and not sure how to proceed Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
butwhateverfor · 31/12/2019 19:02

Also, is it even normal behaviour?

OP posts:
PickwickThePlockingDodo · 31/12/2019 19:09

He doesn't try it with my husband, his father, who is admittedly stricter than me.

There's your answer then, isn't it?

Winterwonderland10 · 31/12/2019 19:10

Teach him there are consequences to his actions. So if you hit me I will take X toy away or you will have a time out for 3 mins. Then discuss after why you put him there at his level in a calm voice. That's what I do with my DS. Seems to work

BecauseReasons · 31/12/2019 19:13

What does your husband do that works?

yellowallpaper · 31/12/2019 19:15

Funnily enough the naughty step worked a treat for me. DS2 was not a violent child at all but occasionally did some naughty stuff and twice hit his disabled brother, which I will absolutely not tolerate.

Your son is being naughty and pushing boundaries in a way he finds affective. It's not abnormal behaviour, but it's not acceptable.

Naughty step technique is so simple and doesn't involve shouting or isolating him in a room.

GreenTulips · 31/12/2019 19:20

You need to firm up! Say No and mean it.

Remove him straight away - arms length, or walk away. Tell him that’s naughty and ignore him.

darndifino · 31/12/2019 19:22

I disagree with the pp who says you don't need to raise your voice. You do - not to shouting pitch, but you do need to alter the tone of your voice and be firm and decisive.

Saying "No, don't do that, don't hit mummy..." in a feeble sing-song pansy voice is going to get you precisely nowhere.

You need to say "NO!!! NO HITTING!!!" every single time. At other times you can explain that hitting is wrong and that he must never hit anybody, even if he is cross. But when he hits you, be firm and consistent. And preferably fend him off before he gets the chance to be violent towards you. Don't give him attention.

Heap praise on him when he is kind, and kisses or hugs you. Give him loads of attention when he is not being aggressive.

isthistoonosy · 31/12/2019 19:26

We removed toys and did the normal stuff but also created wrestle time, so the kids can ask us to wrestle but can't just start it themselves. We don't always want to but do a few times a week. There are rules and of course we just refrain rather than fight them, and have now taught the older kid to do likewise when he wrestles the younger kid. It works great for stopping random aggression and it is mostly tickling in the end.

KoalasAteMyHomework · 31/12/2019 19:27

Is there a particular time it happens - is it linked to, for example, before mealtimes, after nursery, bedtime etc? Or being told no? Or frustration because he can't express himself verbally properly? Sometimes it's worth making a note of when he hits you and the events leading up to it. Finding the reason for it may help prevent the behaviour in the future. So if it's just before lunch for example it may be that he's hungry and unable to express that properly, so you may want to do lunch earlier. That's just one example, and I appreciate it may not be as easy as that.
I use the methods from Sarah Ockwell Smith's toddler calm book to deal with hitting. I also give my son a cushion to hit when I can't stop him so at least it's not me! (He has learning difficulties).

Louise91417 · 31/12/2019 19:31

Totally normal behaviour, my little guy is nearly 3 and did this on occassions and i am very strict with him. I noticed that he was eyeballing me before (mainly hairpulling) taking his lunge at me so it seemed he was doing it to get my attention, also this behaviour was always around 5/6 early evening..seemed he was getting over tired and it was triggering it. I tried shouting, time out, didnt work. So i stopped reacting and just got up and walked out of room, he wasnt getting any attention then..no positive no negative..nothing..then when "nice hands" came back heaped the praise on. It seems to have worked, he still eyeballs me but im able to give a warning and it stops him...good luckWink

Trinpy · 31/12/2019 19:31

It is normal! Or at least I hope it is because my ds used to do this too. I think in his case he was trying to be affectionate because we'd be having a nice cuddle and then he'd just suddenly headbutt me or slap me round the face. I don't think they realise how much this stuff hurts when they're still so little!

I didn't do the naughty step or shout, I just stopped whatever we were doing and said 'no hitting' in a firm voice. He is almost 4 now and doesn't do it any more.

Oh and don't worry if he laughs - it does not mean he is a tiny psychopath,as I always worried!!

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/12/2019 19:35

My ds is 18 months and does hit occasionally but much less now. I would firmly say no and lift him off me if he was sitting on me or lift him away from me if we were on the floor. Really worked.

Wauden · 31/12/2019 19:35

It is not normal behaviour. As people say, you must get strict. Like the nanny programme on the TV. Don't ask him to stop.
You are the boss. Don't be his buddy, be his mother.

RhymingRabbit3 · 31/12/2019 19:38

Use a firm voice with a very clear instruction. Remove him from any "fun" activity he might be doing for a time-out.

My pet peeve is someone whose kid hits them and they say "oh now that's not kind, we dont do hitting do we darling". Completely ineffective.

KellyHall · 31/12/2019 19:44

The only thing that stops my dd when she's in a hitting phase is:

When she hits me I take away a toy she really likes, to be returned the next morning. Sometimes she gets annoyed that I'm doing it and hits me more initially. We've had quite a pile some days!

If she'd really hurt me, she got a time out in her room. I set a timer and told her I wasn't talking to her until the alarm went off because she'd hurt me and needed to be sorry. Now more often than not, she'll actually just go and chill out in her room then come back and apologise.

sirmione16 · 31/12/2019 19:45

Agree you must take a really serious, firm tone and eye contact when saying no. If he continues, then sit him elsewhere and ignore. For 3 minutes. Then go back and tell him what he did was wrong and he must give you an apology. Hell probably throw a HUGE strop the first few times and you're just going to have to stick to your guns. Remember you're the calm to their storm, and you're teaching him. As hard as it seems, he has to learn what's right and wrong, and he has to learn how to manage this extreme emotion that you telling him no will provoke.

Longblondeandblueeyes · 31/12/2019 19:52

He needs a really good smack! Not popular on MN, I know. Any 3 year old head butting or smacking me, would not come out on top. He seriously needs to be afraid of what you would do, if he hits you.

HuloBeraal · 31/12/2019 19:55

A stern no. Ignoring him for a bit. We used the naughty step as well. (We had 3 rules, no hitting, no throwing and no screaming). All of these resulted in a few minutes on the naughty step. And enforce consistently. I have very rarely had to escalate to the next step (only once ever) which is to confiscate a toy. I have never felt guilty about discipline because it is my job to ensure that they turn out to be well rounded individuals. DS turns 3 in a week. He’s no angel but he really wouldn’t dare to hit me or anyone else for that matter.

cherryblossomgin · 31/12/2019 20:02

At work we do a stern No or Stop and if they continue to hit I place my hand over theirs to stop them doing it and say you don't hit staff. Also after being hit move away and don't engage for a few minutes.

BecauseReasons · 31/12/2019 22:20

@Longblondeandblueeyes no he bloody well doesn't. As the daughter of a man who was a believer that kids must fear their parents and boasts that he didn't hit me anywhere near as much once I got past two, I can tell you no child 'needs' a smack.

I don't let my parents have unsupervised contact with my children as a direct result of their parenting 'methods'. Can't trust them not to assault my kid if she acts like a toddler.

Original poster
butwhateverfor · 31/12/2019 22:50

Thank you for the comments, I will have a look at the Calm Toddler book, it sounds like it might be good for me.

I will not smack him, I would never want him to feel worthless as I did as also the daughter of a violent man.

OP posts:
KoalasAteMyHomework · 31/12/2019 23:14

www.hive.co.uk/Product/Sarah-Ockwell-Smith/ToddlerCalm--A-guide-for-calmer-toddlers-and-happier-parents/14872611

Link to the toddler calm book, though probably cheaper on Amazon I just like to recommend Hive as it supports independent book shops! Also may be worth checking out Sarah Ockwell Smith's blog if you think she fits your style of parenting. It's obviously behaviour that needs dealing with, so hope it's of some help. I certainly found the book useful for us.

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