3 year old hits me all the time

[butwhateverfor]

3 yrs 4 m ds hits me all the time, and headbutts me, sometimes on my head which really hurts. He puts his hands in my face and my eyes too.

I'm a sahm, he's at nursery 2 mornings, usually. Otherwise normal child, bright, friendly with others. He doesn't try it with my husband, his father, who is admittedly stricter than me.

He is a big lad and it is now painful and also quite triggering for me to keep being hit (was a battered child). But 'the gentle approach' seems to not work. He just headbutted me on my temple and it hurt so much I lost it and shouted at him.

I am at my wits end and really upset not knowing how to handle it. Husband isn't much help, just says I need to 'discipline him more'.

What can I do?

I would personally explore nursery for at least 5 half-days a week along with set bedtime / dinner routines. A steady daily routine can usually help overcome bad behaviour. Additionally you need to give him consequences every single time he hits you.

Just wanted to add that maybe the reason he does it with you and not his dad is because he feels safest and most secure with you and can release those difficult emotions and knows you'll still love him.

My son hit me once when he was 4 and having a tantrum.

I made a really big deal about it with a very cross sounding voice (not shouting but with a VERY different tone to normal voice). Expressed how we never, ever hit our Mummy. Mentioned it several times to family members who also expressed shock and horror " he didn't hit you, did he? Oh no! We don't do that!" "That's not nice to hit your Mummy"

I also told him that the consequence for hitting me was to throw one of his toys away. He really didn't believe I would do it. I picked a cheap old tractor and some other toys that he wasn't that in to (not a favourite toy) and asked him to choose which one he was going to put in the bin and then I made him do it.

He never hit me again and has never forgotten that he had to throw the toy away as a consequence.

With hindsight, I went too far with the toy, given it was a first offence. However, he's now 9 and nearly as tall as me and a big, strong lad. He still has tantrums (suspected ASD). The last time he tantrum med he roared in my face and held up his fist. He never touched me though.

You need to nip this in the bud now before you have a big, strong boy hitting you.

Tone of voice, expression of how unacceptable it is and how disappointed you are. Get family members to back you up with their shock/horror. A warning that if he ever does it again there will be a consequence and a consequence that shows the seriousness of what he's done.

My friend's boy hits his Dad. They allow it and now he hits really hard at 7 years of age. Punching in the stomach and groin area. They never showed him how utterly unacceptable it is to lay a finger on your parents.

You don't need to shout, and you certainly don't need to hit him (!). But as pps have said, you need to be absolutely clear with him that hitting you is completely unacceptable.

You are absolutely entitled not to be hit by anyone. Even your child who you love. The difficulty is that your childhood abuse has left you not entirely certain of that . So you react with ambivalence.

Next time he hits you, say "no, we do not hit mummy. That is not OK." very sternly, and either put him down or move away from him for a few seconds. If you believe it - every time - he soon will too.

Yes I sense your ambivalence in your answer as well. I think the Calm Toddler book works well if you are a person who has a natural sense of authority. Otherwise it can descend into an endless series of negotiations. We do not hit, that’s it. There is no negotiation or explanation in the moment. It hurts, it’s unkind and we do not hit. That’s all there is to it.
You can try and minimise triggers, you can be understanding etc etc etc but in the moment if you are not firm he will not learn.

Yes just to be clear, the Toddler Calm book does make it clear that hitting is not OK and is to be dealt with. There's no negotiations on it, it is not "permissive parenting" as many people have assumed wrongly in the past.
I just found that sometimes threats with removing toys etc have worked to stop them hitting you but it's not as effective all the time if the hitting moves on to hitting other children who obviously cannot take a toy away etc, or when they are older and the threat doesn't work as well. It's harder to implement when you're out and about and I've tried hard to teach why we don't hit because it's not nice to hurt someone else and make them sad. But I appreciate different methods work for different people so I'm not saying anyone is wrong either way.

Nordic, thank you - that is very insightful and a kind thing to say as well. Ordered the book, so hopefully the toddler will soon become calm. It can be quite hard (not to mention tedious!) to be consistent sometimes.