“ Feed the man first...”

[Weenurse]

Christmas Day, DH, DM and me.
Salads made, I carved the turkey and offered the platter to DM first to help herself.
Her response was “feed the man first...”
I grew up youngest of 4 and only girl, this was my life until I left home.
Anyone else?

@NewName73@NewName 73, thanks for the correct way. I now know going forward

I don’t remember any set order for everyday meals, but when we had visitors it was guests first, then women, then men. With the exception of Mum, who served herself last!
I still serve guests first, meaning to be hospitable. But since they usually refuse to eat till I’ve served myself, that means their meal gets coldest. I urge them to start, but their own upbringing stops them! Hmmm, may havd to rethink this.

What @PanicandRun said. My mother grew up with this approach, despite the fact that her mother’s life was easily as physically gruelling as her farm labourer father’s — water from a well, the need to gather fuel to cook, washing every scrap of five children’s clothes/bed linen by hand, groceries had to come on foot or by bicycle from seven miles away — and a pregnancy a year. Five children lived, but there there were also seven miscarriages/stillbirths.

The meat, when there was any, was also reserved for the men, the women and children got tea, bread, potatoes and cabbage. As a result, my mother and her sisters have lifelong health issues associated directly with a crappy, protein-poor diet.

I hadn’t thought about the health issues

My MIL is like that but her husband (DH stepfather is weird anyway)

My MIL does this. Drives me nuts when she examines whatever she has pulled out of the pot and serves it to me as because it’s not the prime piece she wants her son or husband to have. Sometimes I just speak up and say I’d prefer a different part please but mostly I just simmer. Gahhh

@FrenchFancie we do it the same way. Female guests (starting with elders, finishing with children), other women, male guests, other men.

My Mum always serves us ladies minuscule portions and always makes a comment if I order anything other than salad (in summer) or fish and new potatoes (in winter). When I ordered steak and chips on Christmas Eve she said “Fashion I can’t believe you’d ever eat all that!”, I took great pleasure in finishing it!

To those who get served small portions as a woman, how do you address this?

Used to be suffering in silence and then eating half the fridge contents when we got home several hours later. But the easiest solution was dispensing with the prick who thought this was What Should Be Done thanks to his blasted mother.

I'm Mexican-American and this is still a thing with my extended family and it's annoying!

There will be a family gathering and I'll notice all the women will get up to make a plate for the children first then the men. After that, it's getting all the kids and men a drink and then you're expected to wait on them until they sort of give you a permission to serve yourself and sit down. The entire time you spend checking up on your kids and spouse and supply refills and extra napkins and the like. Then all the women will clean up everything and leave the men and kids to hang out.

I once dared to tell my husband to "serve himself" and they (male and female relatives) looked at me, horrified. It's frankly old-fashioned and chauvinist but even my much younger relatives do it. I've seen it happen amongst the families of other friends who are Hispanic but I am seeing that change too. Thankfully.

This reminds me of when I flat shared in my twenties. One of the girls had a boyfriend and every evening after work he would sit, she took his boots off and then finish cooking dinner. His was presented on a tray and placed on his lap while she returned to the kitchen to eat her dinner from whatever remained, straight from the saucepans etc.

I always itched to kick him out of the chair.

AlaskaElfForGin I think you will find a great deal of working class women did. Many were widowed or single parents, like both my grandmothers and it was either work or starve before 1948. They couldn't rely on charity either. Some of them had to leave their older children in charge at young ages. It's something that popular history programmes tend to gloss over this, as wealthier women only started working in the 60s. They worked way before the 20th Century, in mining, the Mills, in service (like my gran) or on the land. However, society only recognised these women during the war.

Those who talk about men’s manual labour have presumably never dragged and carried a days supply of water from a well, or laundered sheets by hand while pregnant and with an infant strapped to her back.

The practice of serving men the best food was as misogynistic and unfair 100 years ago as it is today. It’s why women expected to lose a tooth for every baby they bore.

@bogginmacaroni Yes, of course, they was the situation for many. As I said, I expect it varied from family to family depending on circumstances.

Interesting to see how different families do things.
@elp30 do you think things will change more quickly going forward or is it still fairly entrenched in your culture?

In my family I don't think my mum served us food in any particular order. And portions were big for all - possibly bigger for adults than kids but I can't remember now. My mil serves bigger plates to men. I don't comment on it but always get seconds at her house or eat what my dp leaves because I'm still hungry. He's more of a grazer who eats throughout the day, whereas I don't snack and when I have dinner I like a big plate of food.

And on the topic of working class women, I know my grandmother worked. No idea if men got the best pickings in her house but she definitely worked.

Child goes first in our house, then whoever is serving up gets theirs last.

She'll be telling you to give him 'penis portions' next.

Yep I had this OP growing up. 2 brothers and a bastard of a stepfather who was treated like a king by my simpering mum while he shagged half the town and she knew about it. A pathetic woman who is the biggest misogynistic I know and is horrified that I am a feminist and don't treat men like they're amazing. I was always last to get food - and she wonders why I had self esteem issues

As an aside why do people excuse sexism as "tradition" or "a generational thing" that MUST NOT be challenged - of course it's sexism!!! are you also comfortable with elderly people using the 'N' word? Because hey they never knew any better, it's a generational thing right?

My MIL is the same, the men also get all the best and biggest bits and women get shitty bits of left overs. Drives me insane

I grew up like this.

My.mum would regularly only have enough meat for my dad and brothers, and we would have something else ( second rate).
If we didn't have much milk, we had to save it for my dad for his breakfast.
It instilled a deep feeling of inadequacy.
I didn't realise how widespread it was.

As an aside why do people excuse sexism as "tradition" or "a generational thing" that MUST NOT be challenged.

@GlummyMcGlummerson I don't think anyone said that it shouldn't be challenged, did they? Not in the strong sense that you suggest anyway. My telling my 96 year old nan that she was being sexist for doing something that she believes is the right thing to do is not going to suddenly change her mind. It would just make her feel awful. I pick my battles carefully.

I don't think 'using the N word' is comparable at all to be honest. I've never heard anyone of any age in my family use that term, so I don't believe that's generational as such. It's just racist and one cannot say that all people of the older generation are racist.