Scared they'll just scream all day

[1plus2equalstrouble]

Babies are 17 days old. Their preferred place is on me, which is OK as DH is home and DS, 4, is currnetly understanding (cos daddy is there) but I'm already worried about when he goes back to work.
I know I'm incredibly lucky that he'll be off 5 weeks in total, but I'll the have the school run to do for DS, home with babies then school run them two hours with all 3 til DH is home, then dinner and DH does hr bed routine with DS 7-8.
Anyway, I'm worried that when I'm on my own in the day I won't be able to just hold them as I'll need to do their feeds, pump, in theory feed myself altho I know that's the least important bit, do homework with 4 yo, get his snack, get dinner at least thought about and thst means they're just going to scream cos I'm not holding them. I thought about baby wearing but T2 likes to be sideways and I suffer with my back. I'm worried what damage it'll doeaving them to cry (scream) whilst I do other stuff. And the damage to DS seeing me leave them to scream.

I know other people cope but thst just makes me fe even worse and more incompetent. I know I should be able to cope and do it all but I just want to cry.

And knowing my sleep is something like 12-30-2.30, 4.30-6 if I'm lucky isn't helping my anxiety.

As soon as I sit holding them I feel really sleepy (assume it's cos I relax) but obv I'm scsred of falling asleep like that. Could I sit upright in a chair baby wearing and nap safely?

I just feel so inadequate.

DH says tell midwife but doesn't know how else to help. Mw just comes to weight babies and is already worried about my emotional state so I'm worried about admitting how I feel

Telling your midwife is a good plan. There may be support she can offer you.

They will change so quickly and you’ll figure everything out as you go. It won’t hurt them to cry for a little whilst you sort DS’s snack or chuck pasta in a pan. And this will be fine for DS too.

Do you have bouncers for them?

You must be exhausted so try to be kind to yourself and do eat - feeding twins on an empty stomach isn’t going to do you any good. Hug!

Isn’t there a multiples charity that offers to send a mothers help when they’re very small, TAMBA or something like that?

HV sorted one of the support volunteer people when DS was little (come medical needs) but I found it really uncomfortable and like I couldn't relax. I can't cope with family coming over and helping with washing up etc as it makes me feel like a failure so strangers coming and helping is even worse.

You just read so much about the damage of CIO etc and I just worry they won't won't get enough atte tion from me, esp T2 as T1 is so much needier.
Got bouncers but they're still quite little (not for twins, they're huge twins 😂) and they're not overly keen as, we'll, it isn't Mama 😊

Swaddle them.

With two and an older one you really need to cut corners and do what you can. Rocking to sleep isn’t essential and they soon learn the fall asleep. Mine rarely cried because of one was feeding the other had to wait. Same with school runs. If they were hungry they’d have to wait.

Don’t over rely on DH to form bad habits when you know you’ll have to go it alone soon. Start good ones.

I swaddle at bed time but feel bad doing it in the day 😳 I guess it might help ocme they've had a feed etc and need to nap again.

Seeing doc tomorrow as I'm worried about reflux and thst being part of why they s ream so much.

I struggle to cope with them screaming without crying too so just leaving one to s ream for 20 minutes whilst I feed his brother doesn't work. I just can't do it.

Thankfully buggy seems to send them totally comatose so hoping school run (hour round trip) will be manageable and ill just take them out the car seat mid way so they're not in it too long (note to self, that doesn't mean trip to Subway...)

Can you DH prepare some
Food for you and DS the night before so you just need
To warm it?

You must eat too lovely, you will need the
Energy.

Is there a twins group near you so you can meet some
Other twin parents?

Could you cope with help around the house from "an employee" if you sort of thought of them differently? Pay someone to come and do housework, prepare meals, do the laundry, and just do stuff "not childcare" so to speak?
Are you BF? Or formula? Is it possible to arrange things so there's one twin on each side if you BF? (Sorry if that's a ridiculous suggestion, I never BF so I have no idea of the practicalities)
One thing I am certain though, you are NOT a failure! One baby at a time is hard work, and you are doing brilliantly with two!
These things can usually be worked out/around practically, and you will find a way that works for you.
There is no shame in asking for help, or in paying for help - it frees you to look after the babies. Or in having help to manage two at once, babies are a lot of hard work!

I know other people cope but thst just makes me fe even worse and more incompetent. I know I should be able to cope and do it all but I just want to cry.

Ive not got twins but trust me, i bet they felt the exact same at first, no one goes on about how hard they find it do they? People only tend to mention the good

If DP can help then try to get more sleep. My DS fed every 2 hours as a newborn and it was horrific, i can only imagine how hard feeding 2 babies can be

I struggled to cope with my second and she wasn’t a twin. I definitely relied on help a lot both from friends and family. They wanted to and enjoyed doing it. I was not a failure for relying on friends to help. If it was your friend you would want to help? Could someone else do school drop off/pick up alternate days or one of you do drop and the other pick up?

Find ways to make life easier: definitely prioritise you eating. Can dh do the first part of the night so you’ve had some sleep? Taking care of you is essential for everyone to cope.

I’m sure you are doing a brilliant job but it is a hard time of life right now!

Firstly you are doing an amazing job. They are only 17 days old so it will get easier.

Can you arrange after school
Club a few days a week for your older child for this term or have a relative pick them up and drop them to you a couple of days a week.

There is a national scheme where volunteers come out 1 day a week for 2-3h and help new mums in need, very often for twins but also other things.

Don't worry about 4yo home work too much for now, fit it in if you can otherwise maybe DH can do it during bath time (phonics I presume). I have a 3 month old and a Reception child.

Be kind to yourself.

If they don't like laying down it might be reflux (silent reflux) speak to GP for help with this.

There are twin support groups locally and online. Get ideas and support from them. Ask family and friends to help. You are not an island.

You are doing and amazing job x

Are you walking to school or driving? Confused about the car set reference.

I would not worry about homework for a 4yo. There is no value in it at this age. Your time together on this would be much better spent doing something fun together, bonding. Don’t make life a drudge for your ds.

You say you don’t like help. That makes you your own worst enemy. Ask for help from others, see if your ds can go on any playdates or as others have suggested after school care. Try homestart. They can literally just hold your babies for a couple of hours.

Also, why are you pumping? That’s very tiring. Your babies are new borns.

You need to figure a way of feeding yourself well even if it means your babies cry. No sustenance = low milk supply. Can you stock up on some ready meals and add in some fruit / veg? You can get pre prepared carrots, broccoli, Brussels to boil up and eat on the side etc.

You have just produced two babies, that's amazing not failing. I've never had twins but I had most of my babies close together. You need to put less pressure on yourself and accept some help. Don't put yourself last, you need to eat and sleep. Most parents just hope for the first few months, babies don't get harmed from this.

Hi I had twin newborns and a 2 yr old. I promise you will figure it out. It wont be pretty or textbook but you will get through. You do what you have to do to survive. I bf for 6 weeks then went to a bottle predominantly because Bf twins took me 17 out of 24 hours and I want doing that to my 2 yr old (also one wasnt gaining enough weight - I was secretly releived as could go to bottle with impunity ! I think my 2 yr year old actually felt less left out at times than with a singlton sibling as there was usually a baby around not having complete 1:1 time as well, if I was sorting one the other just had to wait so my dd could see it wasnt just her having to wait and not getting full attention. You cut corners. You throw out the manual and you just get through somehow. But you will..

Hi, I don’t have twins myself but my sister does and I’ve been very heavily involved with them. Between now and DH going back to work they will chance so much, they’re super fresh in this world right now and it’s a big scary place they don’t know they are separate from you yet.
As awful as it may sounds twins learn to wait and they learn quickly. My sister bought 2 baby chairs that swing and play white noise, lullabies and vibrate. They were her saviour, she could put the babies in them and tuck a blanket tightly round them so they felt secure and set it to gently swing, it’s the same motion as you rocking them. They were around £80 each but they’re 9 months now and have only just come out of them so they’ve been well worth the money.
She formula fed from around 3 days old so other people could help, I’m not telling you to FF if that’s not what you want though.
Is there any chance while you have DH at home you could pump like crazy and get a good stick up for the freezer?
Or if your financial situation allows there is a pump that sits in your bra nicely and it will pump while your going about your usual things, they are very expensive but if you want to continue giving the babies breast milk it might be worth it.
I will try and add a link for it......
www.elvie.com/shop/elvie-pump

Is there any family Or a very close friend that could help with 4yo or even come to the house and just hold the babies while you have a quick shower or something. that’s zero shame in asking for help especially with twins!

When my twin nephews were born I had an 11 week old myself and I went round daily to help her, we managed the 3 babies between us. One day she was so knackered I just sent her to bed said I’d wake her if it all went wrong, all 3 babies slept for 3 hours meaning my sister got a decent kip and I got to binge watch some Netflix 😃 she never asked me to help I just offered because she’s not the type who would ever ask.

If the housework isn’t done then it isn’t done, nobody will die from an untidy house it can be done with DH comes home.
When I had my DD I didn’t even think about what we would be having for dinner, DP came home from work and just sorted it and I only had the 1!

You are doing a fab job! It can’t be easy. Don’t be too hard on yourself x

Twin mum here. Dont be disappointed with yourself, everyone finds this hard. You need 4 arms and you only have 2, it's like spinning plates.

I think if you can get them napping enough it gets easier. With one baby, if they get overtited you give them a cuddle, they stop crying and go to sleep. So it feels like they need a cuddle to sleep - but they can get used to sleeping alone, specially if they get put down when they are drowsy but not overtired. DD2 needed a dark room to sleep in from about 6 weeks on, or else she would sleep in a moving buggy. A vibrating bouncy chair, baby wearing, white noise, a cloth or binky that smells like you, can all help.

Make sure that you are getting all the opportunities to sleep that you can. Your DH should be letting you get a lie in on Sat and Sun mornings and in the evenings once your DS is in bed. It's just a matter of surviving these first few weeks. It calms down at about 4 months.

I used to, for lunch I would walk down into town with the kids napping in the buggy and get a sandwich from a sandwich shop. We bought microwaveable bags of prepared veg and did chicken and fish in the oven so it doesn't take much preparation and you don't have to stand in front of a cooker. It will get easier, but it is bloody complicated and difficult in the early days, don't let anyone tell you any different.

You poor love. You are not a failure, you are a deeply caring person who is exhausted. I cannot offer advice as didnt have twins ... but agree could DH prepare you some food. Your health is important for you and your family so conversations with midwife or health visitor may help esp make some notes beforehand.

If ultimately some bottle feeds to share the load so you get some rest is suggested, this is not a failure but a sensible way forward to help keep you well.

Many hugs and it will be get throughable.

I have no real advice but just wanted to say if the 4 year olds homework doesnt get done it really doesnt matter so I would strike that off your list of things to worry about.

I had twins and a 4 year old too! It’s hard, like really hard. Sometimes they cry, sometimes you cry but for the first 4 months I just winged it. My mantra was don’t expect anything to go the way I want it to then if anything good did happen it was a bonus. Mine lived in babygro’s until they were 1. We used cartoned ready made milk and are ready meals all for a whole year (it saved my sanity). Dh was never home in the evenings. When they were all screaming with tiredness I’d put them all in the car and drive on the dual carriage way until they nodded off. I bought a motorised swing which she liked but he hated. By 4 months I had them feeding at the same time (heads on my lap with feet going out to edges of sofa) and sleeping at the same time. Basically do whatever you need to do to survive. It’s hard! Good luck. You can do it! My dts are now nearly 9 and they’re best friends and great fun.

Of course you feel overwhelmed-nearly everyone does at this stage with one baby let alone two and another child on top.
You are setting unrealistic and unnecessary expectations of yourself at this stage. Use help from DH to make freezer meals now for DS before he goes back to work.
Try any strategy you can to get the babies to sleep without you holding them-pram ideal at this stage
Don’t feel bad about daytime swaddling-if they feel happy and secure, calm and able to sleep that is good for everyone.
Don’t do homework with DS-if it’s something you really worry about DH can do it at the weekends-that’s more than enough for a 4yo.
Housework is for DH at weekends or can you afford a cleaner?
DH should be in a routine of making food (your lunch and snacks) before he goes to work, putting on machine and loading/unloading the dishwasher.
You need to look after yourself.

Is your anxiety increasing? It would be worth talking to your HV about it-t they may be able to offer additional support-our borough offer befriending services through a local charity which may be helpful. Local twins/multiple clubs are worth contacting so you have some peer support.
Do anything you can to make your life easier...

Firstly congratulations. I had Dt and a 4 year old (sp). it's OK you'll all get through it.
My advice is:
Dont panic take each day as it comes and don't expect too much of yourself.
Speak to a midwife or other professional who will be able to give you real life support.
wake the babies and feed at same time (this helped get them into same feeding routine) advice by a midwife who had dt.
Will they sleep/settle together in a moses basket. I also used swaddling. This might be a long term goal. I never rocked mine to sleep after I realised they would settle each other.
Sling for baby that will go in one so you have a spare hand.
My eldest had reflux (underlying health problem) was told to slightly elevate head end of mattress so he wouldn't be laying flat (not sure what current guidelines are).
Routine is important.
Can dp / you prepare for the next day the night before (I always did this after putting eldest to bed if I'd have sat down I'd have not done it).
Have healthy snacks, ready made soup or sandwiches ready for you to grab during the day (could dp prepare this before work).
Ds1 would sit near Dt when playing it helped settle them knowing he was around while I made tea. Ds also 'read' books to them. It help ds feel he was looking after them.
Batch cook at the weekend when dp around then evening meals just need warming up.
Bouncy chairs will come into their own soon. Can use them earlier if needed if your sat with them. Dt get used to not being picked up all of the time but can still see you.
Sleep during day when Dt do even if it's just resting.
Remember they'll soon be able to take larger quantities of milk quicker and this will help.
Are you bf? I manged till 14 months because I knew after the first few months it would make my life easier in the long run. But I know it was harder in the early days. Would Dt take a bottle (only one of mine would) could build up a stock of expressed milk and see if one night a week dp could do night feeds. Or let him have them on a weekend and you have a lie in. I had a thermos cup I'd sit and drink while Dt bf. Keep up your fluids.
I actually found school run etc good because it structured the day and Dt got into the routine.
I understand the not wanting help (I was the same) I only had my mum one evening a week who helped with bathtime, tea time and sometime a bit of ironing etc. But that one evening was so much easier. But is it worth outsourcing household jobs just till your finding it easier?

My eldest had reflux (underlying health problem) was told to slightly elevate head end of mattress so he wouldn't be laying flat

This

Never lay flat ever - use a cushion for nappy changes, raise the cot mattress, prop head above stomach at all times. This is why they sleep better in the car or pram.

Take each hour as it comes. Make your goals small and achievable- feeding everyone and changing nappies is enough! Order online grocery deliveries inc plenty of ready to eat food. I pumped for 2 of my 3 babies for specific health issues but it nearly killled me, there’s no chance I could have pumped for twins and you mustn’t feel bad if this is the thing you have to drop - using formula or a mix is ok! Good luck!

I think the thing to remember is that babies are quite resilient - there's a lot of anxiety inducing stuff about 'stress hormones from crying' etc, but there was never some golden age of mother's being utterly attentive to babies all the time, and no one even thought that was necessary - and people survived without being total headcases, because we are programmed to survive that. As long as your caring when you're doing it is good enough (and it will be - the very fact that you are concerned about it means you will be doing enough) it will totally overcome the short periods you can't be dealing with both.

Hoping all goes well and all the best with your double gifts (even if they don't always feel like a gift!)

You will also notice that they seem to understand the need to wait. They only cry one at a time because crying becomes pointless.

When weaning baby 1 would feed for 10 mins and I’d turn them over for a wind. Baby 2 would then be fed and turned over for a wind. Then give baby 1 the rest of the bottle and so on ....

When in high chairs they often fed for 10 mins and then waited and started again as they’d what they knew.

They also learn to cling on and don’t throw themselves back like singletons do!! Babies aren’t daft.