Scared they'll just scream all day

[1plus2equalstrouble]

Babies are 17 days old. Their preferred place is on me, which is OK as DH is home and DS, 4, is currnetly understanding (cos daddy is there) but I'm already worried about when he goes back to work.
I know I'm incredibly lucky that he'll be off 5 weeks in total, but I'll the have the school run to do for DS, home with babies then school run them two hours with all 3 til DH is home, then dinner and DH does hr bed routine with DS 7-8.
Anyway, I'm worried that when I'm on my own in the day I won't be able to just hold them as I'll need to do their feeds, pump, in theory feed myself altho I know that's the least important bit, do homework with 4 yo, get his snack, get dinner at least thought about and thst means they're just going to scream cos I'm not holding them. I thought about baby wearing but T2 likes to be sideways and I suffer with my back. I'm worried what damage it'll doeaving them to cry (scream) whilst I do other stuff. And the damage to DS seeing me leave them to scream.

I know other people cope but thst just makes me fe even worse and more incompetent. I know I should be able to cope and do it all but I just want to cry.

And knowing my sleep is something like 12-30-2.30, 4.30-6 if I'm lucky isn't helping my anxiety.

As soon as I sit holding them I feel really sleepy (assume it's cos I relax) but obv I'm scsred of falling asleep like that. Could I sit upright in a chair baby wearing and nap safely?

I just feel so inadequate.

DH says tell midwife but doesn't know how else to help. Mw just comes to weight babies and is already worried about my emotional state so I'm worried about admitting how I feel

Just my 2 cents, when a scientist friend had a baby, she read extensively around the ‘studies’ of crying it out, stress hormones etc. She found the vast majority of it absolutely nonsense, rather than the science it pretended to be. Do as much as you can, but a happy and calm mother will be the best thing for your children.

Is DH back at work yet OP? How are you?

OP you sound exactly as I felt with DD1. I so wanted to feel in control but was overwhelmed with constant anxiety and struggled to sleep. I refused all offers of help. I just wanted to be able to prove to myself I could do it. I am a very successful professional women in the health industry. I was SO ashamed that I was struggling.

However, unbeknown to me I was slowly spiralling into post natal depression. It got bad and took a while to treat.

It has taken me 5 years to build the courage to have another. We’re doing it ONLY on the basis that I will accept all help offered, admit that I am struggling (if I am!) and look after myself as a priority. I realise now that if I’m not feeling well mentally, there is no way I can be the mother I want to be.

So speaking from experience please just give in. Admit it’s hard and that you need help. Nobody will be surprised with twins. Start talking to friends and family you feel close to about how you are feeling. Talk about the hard stuff... it’s amazing how talking about those early days helped me recover from crippling anxiety even a few years down the line.

I also found a good counsellor. I fully intend to book in with her when the baby arrives.

And totally agree with PP re. Cutting corners. Do it whoever you can. And if a baby cries while you are doing something for the other baby/child/yourself, what can you do? You literally only have one pair of hands. It won’t harm them.

Oh! And ear plugs helped me. I was so on edge and sensitive my DD cries actually felt painful. Ear plugs muffled the sound, I could obviously still hear it and it wasn’t so I could ignore her, but I found the rocks and patting whilst screaming slightly more tolerable with ear plugs.