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Original poster

Grandparents overstepping...I am unreasonable?

57 replies

Daenerys86 · 29/12/2019 20:25

My daughter came home from staying at Grandmothers and told me her Great grandparents are going to heaven soon because they are getting old. ( They are in their 70s but perfect health and plenty time left i assure you) She said her grandma told her this. Im considering questioning her why she would tell my 5 year old this for her now to worry, what would others do?
Its not the first time she has overstepped ( bit of a habit) but i usually keep my moutb shut. She always gets away with it so should i pipe up or keep the peace?

OP posts:
A1A1 · 29/12/2019 21:29

My dm overstepped a lot (I use past tense as we are low contact and live in different countries so she doesn’t have the opportunity so much these days) so I get how frustrating these kinds of things can be and also how difficult it can be to address it with such characters.

Playing devils advocate, it could be that your DD caught your MIL off guard and she wasn’t prepared and therefore maybe wasn’t as delicate with the topic as you might’ve been yourself. It could be that MIL said that people usually die when they are very old, and your DD said “old like GGranny and GGrandad?” and she’s now put 2+2 and got 5...

Without being there, it’s tricky to say. But your priority now is to make sure your DD is not anxious and you, as mummy, can help reassure her on the whole death thing. If it is kore than just a passing thing (eg she has nightmares, is crying a lot about it, not talking to people, seems visible distressed etc) then for sure, next time you see MIL you could mention that DD had been upset and you wondered how the conversation had gone, was she upset at the time etc etc?

I can sympathize op as my own DM made me want to take control over everything with my DC, because I simply could trust her to not undermine me, or go off piste with things. It wasn’t so hard when other people did as it was more, dunno, innocent and they genuinely got in a muddle abd were trying their best. But DM got my heckles up. And I hated biting my tongue and accepting that I simply could not control what cones out of her mouth!

Anyway, I’m rambling now.... I guess my advice is to make sure your DD is ok, then let it go unless it’s become a thing for your DD, abd if that’s the case broach it delicately in a curios way way rather than an accusative way.

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 29/12/2019 21:31

You're right OP she should have promised your dd that they would live for ever and ever and never die.
IF they raised the topic ("better be a good girl as we are old and will die soon!") then obviously that is wrong but is this likely to be what happened? Have you picked up the phone to them yet?

Original poster
Daenerys86 · 29/12/2019 21:34

A1A1
Thank you. I appreciate your feedback and think thats good advice. Maybe I shouldnt mention it unless it causes my daughter further anxiety.
I am the same as you, Grandma constantly undermines me and I never say anything because i hate confrontation. I get fed up with it constantly but its noy in my nature to call her on it and Id hate to hurt her feelings too. But my daughter being upset is another matter.

Thank you 😊

OP posts:

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Families
LL83 · 29/12/2019 21:35

"Grandma are you going to die soon?"

"No of course not, I will be here until I am very old"

"Old like 70?"

"Yeah or maybe older"

Child remembers great grandma is 70. Or a million other ways child has put it together without the gran actually saying your great grandparents will die soon.

Original poster
Daenerys86 · 29/12/2019 21:36

Itsbeginningtolookalotlikexmas

Are you looking for confrontation? Why the hell do you not see an issue with her telling my 5 year old sensitive daughter that her GREAT GRANDPARENTS WILL DIE SOON??
Talk about death but theres no need to say that.

Take your hostility and immaturity elsewhere, your "advice" is unwanted here.

OP posts:
Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 29/12/2019 21:36

If she is that bad then seriously don't let her look after your dd alone. I would not leave mine with my in laws overnight without one of us

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 29/12/2019 21:37

OP I've been neither immature nor hostile, but I can see someone who is...

Original poster
Daenerys86 · 29/12/2019 21:38

Her being with her grandparent overnight is not the issue her or a topic for you to judge. My daughter never stays unless she asks to stay with them.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 29/12/2019 21:40

I don´t really see the problem with it either. Maybe someone the know has recently died and it was being talked about and your daughter asked them so they told her the truth. So now you need to talk to your daughter about managing the worry. That is part of learning to tackle life that children do.

Frenchw1fe · 29/12/2019 21:44

@Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas you're being very immature and deliberately goady. Have you been drinking?

OP it's the sort of thing my dm would do so I know why your cross. Worrying a small child is totally unnecessary.

Shopkinsdoll · 29/12/2019 21:46

Really? When my two were that age they were very interested in heaven. I explained in child like detail. Why the big cover up? My doctors surgery is next to the graveyard so we see the graveyard quite a lot. They call it heaven. 5 is usually the age they start to think about death.

Cohle · 29/12/2019 21:46

I sympathise OP, my DS was a worrier and would get horribly upset about things like death and the sun dying and global warming.

What helped was teaching him coping mechanisms for dealing with his anxieties, not getting angry with everyone who mentioned climate change in his presence.

As adults we all know that the people we love may one day die and we manage to cope with that. It's your job as a parent to help your DD get to that place too, not to shield her from the realities of life and get angry with anyone who doesn't do the same.

saraclara · 29/12/2019 21:47

Five year olds ask these questions all the time. You have no idea of the context or what the grandmother said. Even the most tactful of answers can be misunderstood by a five year old. Stop looking to blame them for what might have been a very innocent and carefully worded conversation that your child might have extrapolated to mean something unintended.

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 29/12/2019 21:47

Ok Frenchwife I will bite. Can you quote some examples of my immaturity?
(I suspect I'm the oldest person on the thread and certainly have plenty of experience of experiencing/ and explaining death to young people)

Original poster
Daenerys86 · 29/12/2019 21:49

I am not trying to cover up death, like I said I have spoken to her about death openly. My issue is that she told my daughter her great grandparents are going to die soon. I feel there is absolutely no need to say this and she had worried my daughter unecessarily.

OP posts:
Shopkinsdoll · 29/12/2019 21:49

I used to go a walk with my grandpa years ago with my sister and he used to lie on the grass and pretend he was dead. We were 5 at the time. We just thought it was some kind of game. He was like that. I can’t remember my mum or dad kicking up a fuss.

goingtoneedabiggercar · 29/12/2019 21:51

@Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas I think @Frenchw1fe was quoting the OP with a hint of sarcasm.

A1A1 · 29/12/2019 21:55

You might need to find a couple of subtle but clear responses to things your MIL says/does. Confrontation may be unavoidable but as you say your DD’s best interests are what matters. Seeing grandma disrespect mummy is not healthy. So work on setting some boundaries if you haven’t already.... But you also need to gauge when to pick your battles.

BackforGood · 29/12/2019 21:55

Without any of us being there - we actually have no idea how the conversation was raised, or exactly what was said, and how much of it your dd has added together. You included @Daenerys86

I know this is chat, but you have asked if you are being unreasonable, and yes, I think you are - as it seems do most people who have replied. Not sure why you asked us though as you seem 100% certain that your dd's GM has deliberately gone out of her way to upset your dd Hmm

LL83 · 29/12/2019 21:58

@Daenerys86 what was the conversation?

If grandma said "your great grandparents are going to die soon" that is outrageous. It is also very unlikely.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 29/12/2019 22:01

Why are you taking a 5 year old's word for it? Why don't you find out properly what was said?

Original poster
Daenerys86 · 29/12/2019 22:02

Backforgood
Of course I expected honest replies...just not the sarcastic comments. I have no problem with anyone her saying yes you are unreasonable...hence my question. All Im trying to say is I am not sheltering her from death which most posters seem to think i am.
I dont not think for one minute she went out of her way to hurt my little girl, i know she wouldnt but my thought process was should i tell her it was the wrong thing to say as she has upset her? Regardless to the convo?
I am genuinely not looking for confrontation with her otherwise I would have said something without asking for advice beforehand. And i wouldnt speak to her in all honestly because If i had the nature to pipe up it would have been a long time ago for many other issues.
Just to clarify...she is not a bad grandma just does a lot of things to undermine me

OP posts:
Cohle · 29/12/2019 22:05

Can I ask what you would have wanted your grandmother to say if your DD asked something like "great-grandma is very old, does that mean she might die soon"?

A1A1 · 29/12/2019 22:08

I think you’re getting a hard time here op. Reading between the lines (and having been in similar situations) I think your original post was as much a vent as a question Wink if MIL has firm for this.

Mrshue · 29/12/2019 22:09

The problem is @Daenerys86

You’ve assumed she said. So your great grandparents are old and they are going to die soon’.

Have you made sure she said it in this EXACT WAY?!

Or is this still and assumption.