Partners family are just being awkward bellends

[Niki93]

Just need a rant tbh. Long story short, im pregnant. We announced it to my parents who were over the moon, incredibly supportive and lovely as we expected, straight away said they’d help us with babysitting where ever they can and were even lush enough to offer to buy us the travel system! (God send! They’re so expensive). This will be my parents 4th grandchild and yet they still go above and beyond for all of us.

We then told his parents. (His dad and his long standing step mam, his biological mam died when we was 8 months from lung cancer unfortunately, and his step mam never had kids of her own). With my partner being an only child this will be their first ever grandchild/step grand child. They were surprised but happy, congratulated us, but didnt seem anywhere near as supportive and forth coming with it as my parents were. They never said a thing about baby sitting or offering to buy any items, which is fine! We can provide for ourselves and we don’t expect this from then, but we just thought they’d be the same as my parents but obviously not.

Fast forward to now. Im 20 weeks and still not a peep out his parents. They’ve never reached out, asked how i am, popped round to see us, nothing. They Still havnt offered to help in anyway at all, again, his is fine but i thought they’d have wanted to be well involved/been excited with it being their first and probably only grandchild. My partner noticed their lack of effort (probably more because he compared them to how much my parents have helped us already just chipping in getting little bits here and there) so he broached it with his own parents. He’s done it in a sensitive way, just by simply telling them how excited my parents are and how much they’ve chipped in already, in a hope it would start a conversation with his parents about this subject and see their real opinions behind it all. This must have triggered something in his parents who snapped ‘we’ll get something when the baby comes!’ Defensively. My partner didnt push and just went yeah thats fine, yous just havnt seemed very excited about it as we are but thats fine. We realised that everyone’s different and that my parents are naturally just alot more giving than his and we just accepted his are probably going to be less involved. (But his parents earn a hell of a lot more than mine, and are taking early retirement in 6 months-just to add context).

Anyways, before Christmas they asked what we wanted for a Christmas gift. We have a list of baby items we’ve been ticking off along the way that we or my parents/family have bought. My partner kindly gave them a list of things we dont have yet, the things we still need and just said to them if they pick one item off the list we’d be happy with that as we already have everything else we need. The stuff left on the list are not expensive at all, just little things like blankets/lotions etc.

His step mother has went and ignored this suggestion, despite her asking, and decided to buy us the things we clearly stated we already have. And then bought it in fucking pink before we knew what we were having, and we found out its a bloody boy! We cant help but think shes done this to be awkward as shes done stuff like this in the past when in her petty moods. We dont want to sound ungrateful, but at the same time shes just wasted money! Partners pulled her on it politely and just reminded her shes got us the things we already have/didnt need. She laughed at my partner and went ‘well, thats life! If her parents didnt buy it all in the first place and left some ideas for us then this wouldnt have happened!’ Even though they made no effort to communicate with us for the first 4 months and then snapped at us when we asked! Its like we cant win. Shes so controlling and awkward!

We’re so grateful for anything and everything we’ve gotten of people so far, we never ever expected the amount of help we’v received and we are so lucky for it! we never ever expected anythingg or gave any form of entitled attitude around this at all as we’re financially stable to get what we need. We just dont fucking see why shes wasted money out of spite and just been awkward after being given clear information/instructions.

We now have two baby bouncers, two baths, two changing bags, and a fuck load of pink dresses. I feel shes done it all on purpose to make us look ungrateful and like we’re rude. And probably because she has a bee in her bonnet because my parents have been more involved than her. But they’ve had loads of opportunity too. They’re so awkward, we cant bloody win. My partner feels shit about the situation and keeps saying he’s embarrassed at how shite his parents have been in comparison to mine. Ive told him not to worry and it’s absolutely fine and reminded him its not about what people provide and everyones different, trying to not make him or them feel pressured at all. But its definitely the final straw with the in laws now. They’ve been more hassle than they’re worth in the past 4 years ive known them.

Sorry. Rant over.

Not everyone is going to be excited over your pregnancy because they have their own lives to focus on. Just stick the stuff on eBay and use the money to by blue stuff.

It's weird she bought dresses.!

However you sound very grabby!!

OP if you do come back I get it, and would suggest you start creating some distance and sorting yourselves with or without the help of your parents and without telling his parents. They dont want to help so just stop telling them about who has bought what. We had a similarly stressful situation where my parents kindly offered to buy a few baby essentials (first DGC for them) and PIL then said they wanted but seemed to hold out forever. By 30+ weeks baby was poorly and they were talking about early delivery so I went out and got the rest. I'm glad I did because PIL came round with a high chair and proudly announced it was suitable for newborns. Now it's a very nice highchair and gratefully received but we really didnt need a highchair at that point (and who the fuck would use a highchair from birth). It was such a stressful time that it really was the last straw for me. They were also arsey that my DPs had bought so much but I simply said I was keen to get ready for baby and needed things now but that the baby wouldn't suddenly stop needing things once born. They are still rubbish at buying for people (think age inappropriate toys). Just lower your expectations and let your partner take the lead with them.

Step mam sounds like a narcissist. My mother used to do this ALL.THE.TIME. to me, ask what I wanted, agreed to get it then bought something TOTALLY different and not the thing I asked for. Complete Mind fuck. She done it on purpose because she is a spiteful old bitch. Check out Richard Grannon on youtube, bet you'll see a lot more of your step mam's characteristics in his narcissist vids!

When ur pregnant ur emotional ik just concentrate on urself girl x

holidaylettie Yikes

What a stunning lack of awareness and insight in to others you seem to have. I feel sorry for your inlaws.

@xJodiex do we have to fling armchair diagnosis around? I’m sure the OP needs no encouragement to label behaviour she doesn’t like. So often the person flinging the labels around needs to take a closer look at their own conduct.

Am always intrigued what formal qualifications the posters who diagnose complex mental health disorders on threads like this have
We must have a very high proportion of clinical psychologists and psychiatrists on mumsnet given how often these diagnoses are made

@YouokHun I stand by what I said and have no need to look into my own behaviour, thanks. OP's Step mam is controlling at the very least and I think OP sees it too, good on her.

@xJodiex step mom is just refusing to be ordered around and made to feel inferior by her DIL. She doesn't owe them anything. She asked what THEY would like for Xmas. She did ask what they wanted for the baby.

How pissed off would you be if your child came to you in future bragging about all the things their in laws had bought for the baby that at the time wasn't even developed enough to tell what gender it'd be?

Just to add, OP wasn't 20 weeks at that time. How do we know SM hadn't lost a baby past this stage? She has no kids, doesn't mean she's never been pregnant and doesn't want to jump the gun.

But if she'd told OP this we'd be hearing complaints of her stressing OP out and making it all about her.

What a greedy nightmare you sound, OP. I wouldn't have asked for stuff in a million years at 20 weeks, let alone before. Some relations are more generous than others, and that's life, but no one is going to "improve" if they are told that they are falling short of what the other prospective grandparents are doing. If ds told me that his in-laws were doing this, that and the other better I'd be a) hurt and b) pretty mad.

Exactly @hobnobsaremyfave.

I can just imagine if in laws had got very involved early on, you would still be calling them bellends for being interfering..... so they can't win can they?

As pp said giving them a list of things you want and only little things left like lotions does make it seem they are an after thought. And wouldn't you want to buy loads of things yourself for your first baby?

We got given a list of things wanted by new parents and all the good/important stuff gone. I thought it was bloody rude and ignored their list.

Good luck with your pregnancy but leave the in laws alone. If they make you stressed, it's not good for anyone-you, baby or them. Let them be as involved as they want, don't compare with your parents.

And take heed of the comments you have received. They should help you put things into perspective.

@SarahNade I believe travel system is : cot + pram + car seat all together

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first child and mine and DP's parents have been totally different towards the pregnancy, which I accept because I am a grown up and understand the complexity of the situation and the fact it's MY baby, not the resurrected incarnation of Jesus Christ.

For example, my stepmum and Dad tried very hard for years to have a child of their own which sadly wasn't to be. Instead of expecting DSM to be thrilled about my pregnancy, I "reached out" to her and explained I knew it may be difficult for her (as she was a similar age to me now when they gave up with the IVF) and she could therefore be as involved as she wanted, that I loved her and understood. Since then, and as my pregnancy as progressed into viability, she has been amazing. I know it's hard for her, and I don't think my parents will be as hands-on as my DP's mum, but that's okay. That's them. My DF busted a gut raising me and my brother, his job now isn't to help provide for and raise my child, because that's my job.

I think you'll find that if you approach people with compassion and empathy, always starting from a position of understanding that you are not the centre of the universe, you tend to inspire similar back. Unfortunately, you appear to be labouring under the misapprehension that you deserve and are entitled to people providing for a child you chose to bring into the world. You also (from previous posts) seem to think that using your baby, and contact with it, as a bargaining tool is a good way to navigate familial disputes: it isn't. Your main priority, in my view, is to have PEOPLE in your child's life, not just stuff.

At this stage, I would be happy that my baby appeared to be growing and developing normally. At 20 weeks I was told my baby had an abnormality on its brain. Trust me, the last thing on my mind at that point was what I had been bought and by whom. Literally every tiny thing I had been worrying about up
to that moment just disappeared and I've been far more cautious and pragmatic about "things" since then.

You're incredibly fortunate to have parents who seem to want to lavish gifts on your child, but please try and understand this doesn't directly correlate with how much they're going to love your child. I am reserving judgement on what kind of grandparents my baby will have until it's actually here. My DF has recently been re-diagnosed with cancer, so I'm just happy that he'll be around to see my child being born. Perhaps have a little gratitude that your baby has 4 potential grand-people in his life, rather than fewer, that all of them seem happy about his impending arrival and are making an effort. Many are not so lucky.

I can only imagine how utterly devastated and hurt my parents would be if I compared their behaviour with my DP's mum's. There isn't a standard Grandparent Blueprint, you know, and while you may see your ILs as purely there now to provide GP duties and nursery goods, they are actually still nuanced, complicated, individual human beings with their own stuff going on, some of which may not tidily marry with the roles you have assigned them.

I get what it's like to be a first-time expectant mother; it's terrifying and exciting and sometimes I feel like I should be on a pedestal. Till I realise I'm not the first and only woman to have gone through this. I'm also a complete novice: I have to accept I don't know everything and am likely to make mistakes. When more experienced people give me advice, I try to take it on and accept that while my baby is the most important thing in my life right now, ultimately it's just another baby to most rational people.

I wish you well with your pregnancy, but I would really try and reassess your priorities.

OP, I hope you're taken the time to read through these replies and just reflect on yours and DHs behaviour.

In your situation I would take some flowers and a bottle/chocolates over and apologise for being such a cunt your unsavoury, grabby, greedy behaviour.

The OP is not 'breeding' @gamerchick, she's not an animal. What a weird term to use. I've only ever seen those anti-parent weirdos refer to humans as breeding.

OP has gone....

You mixed up getting excited with buying stuff.

No need at all for anyone to buy ‘stuff’ in the first 4/5 months.

Some people are superstitious about getting excited about an early stage pregnancy, and even about buying things before a baby is born.

It is possible that your Dp’s DSM has experience of losing babies, given that they had no more.

Or that she has no experience of being pg so doesn’t get the ludicrous heights of pfb hysteria that some of us succumb to

She does sound very very awkward. But you two have pushed and prodded. They may we’ll have shown huge excitement once the baby is with you.

Do not escalate family feuds.

If she is typically awkward smile, nod, keep a distance .

@GiveHerHellFromUs I can see your point but there are things that stood out that seem odd. They haven't even visited for months by the sounds of it. Haven't even asked how OP is doing, she's 5 months pregnant with their grandchild - well, her partner's father's grandchild, really. They did ask what they wanted, they suggested a non -expensive thing but the step mam bought something entirely different - something that clearly wasn't on the list. Why did they ask what they wanted if they were just going to choose something else instead? OP says she feels like she can't win (twice) and step mam has done stuff like this in the past in her 'petty moods'.

''They’ve been more hassle than they’re worth in the past 4 years I've known them.''

Even OPs partner seems unhappy about how they've been.

@hobnobsaremyfave I'm no psychologist but I grew up with a mother who done similar things to me and was very abusive in several other ways. She HATED to see me get anything I really wanted, she has a massive chip on her shoulder, always has and I don't know why. I do agree maybe suggesting narcissism I jumped the gun a bit - probably because I was reminded of similar situations with my own mother. I still think it's good to be able to spot controlling behaviour in people though. Especially here, as OP feels her step mam has been awkward and she can't win with her.

Brilliant post from @emmaclaire83 read that and read it again OP.
Doesn't matter how many times and with how many exclamation marks you say it's "fine" - several posters including me think it's obvious you are very spoiled, materialistic and self centred. Hopefully having a child and having to think about someone else first might help you grow up a bit.

I'm wondering how many Christmases and other special times you've spent together? Have you been there for them over the years?

Long story short, im pregnant.
Thank god you at least kept this part short.