How would you respond to this comment

[RoseMartha]

"I only use you for what I can get from you. I only pretend to like family members for what they will give me".

I can not go NC with this person.

I find this very hurtful. I have explained it is hurtful and why. I have explained it is ungrateful and rude. Makes no difference and person usually laughs in my face.

Then tell the child that henceforth you will 'give them' nothing but the bare minimum. Food, 'generic clothing, and basic shelter. No phone, no electronics, no designer/fancy clothes, healthy food, and a mattress on the floor. No birthdays, no Xmas, no pocket money.

Gosh yes at 12 years old I wouldn't be taking this too seriously unless it was combined with other callous and unemotional behaviour.

The worst thing you can do is be reactionary because it just becomes power play. I don't have much advice as my eldest is only just 4 but I remember being young and hormonal and feeling very dark and edgy!!

Then tell the child that henceforth you will 'give them' nothing but the bare minimum. Food, 'generic clothing, and basic shelter. No phone, no electronics, no designer/fancy clothes, healthy food, and a mattress on the floor. No birthdays, no Xmas, no pocket money.

This would a massive and ridiculous overreaction.

Agree with @AppleKatie if my mother held my unreasonable comments against me at that age it would seriously damage our relationship.
One of the shit parts about being a parent is having to stay calm and rise above them being twats.

Yes other issues include
Plays her friends off against each other.
Swears a lot. Brought up not to swear.
Very manipulative.
Very selfish and entitled
Why should I attitude with everything
Argues everything
Always has an excuse and will not take responsibility or blame for anything.
Nothing is ever good enough and moaned today that Christmas gifts from extended family were crap.

I am really upset and cross today.

And the sad thing is I have brought up my kids to be the opposite of this and she is going in the other direction.

I'm sorry you're going through this.
It must be really hard.
I remember one of the biggest bitches in school had the nicest mum. Always confused the hell out of me.

Have you had much feedback from her school? What's her friendship circle like? Is home life good?

At 12 she is unlikely to have the maturity to understand quite how hurtful this is. Even typical 12 year olds will say things for the drama and the extent of what you describe sounds atypical.

Have a look at Pathological Demand Avoidance profile of ASD as you may find it resonates (you may not, nobody can armchair diagnose your child from a brief few paragraphs on a discussion forum, but worth having a look).

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you need help. There are some excellent parenting classes available. I attended one for help with toddlers and it honestly changed everything for us as a family.
I hope you'll find a solution that works for you.

What do her school say? Is she able to behave acceptably in other contexts?

I would say "pretend you like me then"

Cheeky brat. It's hurtful and rude. But try not to let it get to you, it's a selfish age and most come through the other side as well rounded individuals.

And the sad thing is I have brought up my kids to be the opposite of this

And that is exactly why she is going in the opposite direction - difficult to rebel by agreeing with your parents' principles!

Gin and gritted teeth. This too will pass....

Give him nothing bar food. No chores done, no pocket money unless in exchange for chores. No little trips out. See how long they last.

"I wouldn't talk to you like that so why do you think it's ok to be nasty to me?"

But mostly, don't rise to it. Kids are idiots.

I would be a bit grey rock as it is a DC
No extra privileges. Food. Basic food. Change password on netflix. Stop paying for spotify and phone.

Maybe she is a narcissist but i agree that a narc would play the martyr rather than act out this mini sociopath for you.

@ll83 is right. Under react to her drama by telling her to fake respect and civility.

I have a 12 year old.

Tbh They are pushing their luck so push back.

They are doubting who they are.

Presents are crap . Ok put them in a pile I will take them to charity shop.

If the why me you are part of the family jobs schedule.

I wouldn’t bother talking at the time but later.

Ty for replies. I appreciate it. I will see if there is course available in my area. Some helpful ideas.

I understand the rebelling bit but it is constant no let up at all. And the comment I mentioned in my first post is said regularly it is not a one off.

My son has PDA but he never says controversial stuff just to cause drama or upset. Never. He literally never reacts explosively unless i try to "control" him. (Ie, wash, change clothes, study). There is only drama when i try to talk him in to something he refuses to do. This list grows monthly but he wouldnt try to drum up extra drama. He is normal for a teen so long as i dont encourage him to do homework 😥 or tidyup after himself. But he would give me a hug spontaneously.