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Original poster

Need to have a very difficult conversation with my mum...

41 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/12/2019 18:33

I need to get my big girl pants on and do it but I don't know how. DM lives in France and comes over mainly during school holidays to help me out with childcare. I'm a single mum of 2 boys aged 9 and 7. ExH will only have the boys 4 weeks a year. I only get 5 weeks leave myself...you do the maths.

This year has been a complete nightmare. Mum is a functioning alcoholic but her MH has deteriorated massively this year. I've often had her phoning me in tears telling me she wants to die.

We had a big holiday booked this year and she told me she was broke last Christmas and asked to borrow my credit card so she could save for the holiday. I find it very difficult to say no to her so I agreed; she ran up a £10k debt on the card and still hadn't saved for the holiday. It was a nightmare...I told her I was going to have to cancel because I didn't have much money but she told me it wouldn't be a problem, then expected me to pay for everything.

It came to a head over the summer and I confronted her about her drinking...she told me not to start because she was so depressed. But won't do anything about it.

A couple of days before Christmas we had a stupid row over nothing. She drove to my brother's house AFTER drinking a bottle of wine. I was beyond fucking furious. I haven't said anything up to now because I didn't want to spoil Christmas, but I can't not say anything.

I don't want her to come and stay anymore, but if she doesn't stay with me I don't think she can afford to visit. My brother won't have her. My boyfriend worked out that of the 12 months of the year, she's been at mine for 7 of them. I don't know how to tell her she can't stay anymore. And I don't know how I'm going to manage childcare. But every time she stays we end up arguing and it's just not healthy.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 27/12/2019 18:38

What hours do you need cover for in the hols? Most schools or local authorities have summer activities/clubs on.

Babyroobs · 27/12/2019 18:38

Not sure how you should talk to your mum but as regards childcare can you not get them into holiday clubs/ with childminder etc like most people have to ? You may be able to claim help with the cost if you are on a lowish income ?

sayingno · 27/12/2019 18:39

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please have a hug from me, it must be horrifying. Always, before I answer a thread I try to put myself in the OP's shoes.

What I think I'd do is:

  • who is your mother living with in France?
Does she work? Does she have friends, family or any kind of support there? Would she consider therapy and help with the drinking?
  • have you managed to pay the 10k debt? Can you afford it? I imagine she can't
  • will YOU consider therapy? Trust me I don't mention therapy lightly, it's painful but so life changing, it works wonders and it puts light where's darkness
  • how is she with your kids?

Please don't feel guilty. This isn't your fault. You say she spent 7 months out of 12 with you. So basically you paid for everything? (Which brings us back to my question above).

I would speak to her face to face, are you seeing her soon? I'd really go to a therapist, if you can afford it, she/he can help find a way to deal with this as painless as possible.

Best of luck, OP!

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NeedAUsernameGenerator · 27/12/2019 18:45

She stole 10k from you and your children??? I hope she doesn't have the credit card any more? Also I'm sure holiday childcare would cost you less than your mother is costing you by living with you for more than half the year. Is there a reason you can't use holiday clubs? Shifts or something?

TitianaTitsling · 27/12/2019 18:51

As pp have said how is she funding her life over in France? Is she sorry at all for being fraudulent on your credit card? I really feel for you OP.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/12/2019 18:51

I live in a rural location without many holiday clubs (there isn't one at the boys' school so I shall have to look further afield).

To answer @sayingno's questions (as I can remember them)

She lives alone in France and doesn't work. She seems to have lost contact with the majority of her friends there so can go days without seeing anyone.

She won't consider therapy as she's in complete denial about her drinking. She claims because it's 'normal' in France that makes it ok. This Christmas has highlighted how bad it is; we bought expensive alcohol for Christmas and have had to hide it.

I've had a LOT of therapy and I think in a way it's led to this situation. I'm finally seeing how toxic this relationship is and pulling away. She doesn't like it. I have long-standing MH problems mainly caused by her actions when I was growing up. I'm finally (after 30 years) in a good place.

My boyfriend is hoping to move in next year but has said he won't move in if she's there 7 months of the year, which I totally get. But I feel guilty because I feel like I'm picking him over her.

I'm in a low paid job and the only way I can manage the debt is by defaulting. I did speak to my creditors beforehand but my credit score if screwed for years to come.

The boys absolutely adore her, and her them, they'd be devastated if she couldn't visit any more; but it's doing my MH no good at all.

Forgive me if I've not answered anything, I can't remember the specifics. Having a medicinal gin at my boyfriend's house.

OP posts:
sayingno · 27/12/2019 18:55

@MyGhastIsFlabbered so how does she get money to live? How come she lives in France is she's all alone? Sad

So sorry you're going through this and therapy hasn't helped, but glad you're in a good place. This relationship is indeed toxic and I am so happy for you that you realise this and made plans to escape it.

Please do let us know how it went. When are you planning on doing it?

Enjoy your gin!WineWineWine

ClemDanFango · 27/12/2019 18:56

Why are you allowing an alcoholic to care for your children? Their safety and well being should be paramount in this situation. Look in to wrap around care for them being looked after by your mum shouldn’t be an option.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/12/2019 19:01

She gets the UK state pension plus a small private one.

I think she's been an alcoholic so long that it's become normalised to me (she used to drink a glass of vodka with tap water before driving us to school). It's really only been this year I've even managed to confront her about it at all...it really is baby steps. But her latest stunt last week has stirred it up all over again.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 27/12/2019 19:05

You're in denial.
For 10K you could have paid for childcare - and the cater wouldn't be an alcoholic.

You have all my sympathy - but the crucial point is that this is doing you no good at all.

Well done for realising you have to say, 'No' to her coming this time.

Childcare - surely someone at their school could mind them (for payment) during the holidays?

I'm so sorry. This is a horrible situation. 💐

LittleSweet · 27/12/2019 19:29

I don't think that you should let an alcoholic be with your dcs unsupervised.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 27/12/2019 19:29

You're not choosing him over her, you're choosing your mental health and boundaries that protect it.

LittleSweet · 27/12/2019 19:33

Write down notes of what you want to say. She probably won't be able to empathise or agree with your demands, but she is because she is an addict. Make promises to yourself that you are not going to let her abuse you anymore.

BaolFan · 27/12/2019 19:38

Realistically speaking you cannot let her look after your children. If her drinking is at the stage where she's driving drunk, you can't trust her - you just can't.

So if she's not providing you with childcare, then she has no need to stay. Contact step change for advice about the debt.

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2019 19:39

£10,000 on your credit card?! Are you crazy?! You need some space from her. She is not good to have around your children. Do you want them growing up thinking its normal to drink all day, everybody?! You need to arrange suitable Childcare and withdraw from your mother right now.

carly2803 · 27/12/2019 19:40

im sorry for your situation OP,but i wouldnot let an alcoholic look after my kids!

You need to be hard on this, and she needs to stop staying with you.

dontknowdontknow · 27/12/2019 19:44

Money aside, you absolutely cannot let an alcoholic care for your children. She's already proved that she will drink drive. She could kill them. Do not take that risk no matter how desperate you are there is another option. And if there isn't you need to seriously rethink. There is absolutely nothing you can do to help her. Only her feeling the consequences of her drinking MAY encourage her to seek help. You don't need to have long conversations with her - send her a letter telling her the truth. That you cannot have her staying or in care of your children if she continues to drink.

Sadly the debting is not dissimilar to the drinking. It's all the same deceitful, denial. Please look up Al Anon online and find meetings to get support for you. Also Adult Children of Alcoholics. Good luck.

Letseatgrandma · 27/12/2019 19:44

Wow-My credit card limit isn’t anywhere near that high! If you knew she was an alcoholic, why would you possibly think that was a good idea?Over how much time-surely you saw the statement?

If she lives with you for 7m of the year, you are pretty much funding her, aren’t you?

BrigidSt · 27/12/2019 19:50

She is not 'functioning', not remotely. She is an alcoholic. Safeguard your children from her and stop enabling her.

smemorata · 27/12/2019 19:57

You absolutely cannot leave her alone with your children. You need to find another solution.

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/12/2019 20:01

I will find another solution. But she's going to be devastated and that's what I find difficult...emotional blackmail is hard to deal with.

Re the money...yes it was a really bad idea, but I've always found it incredibly hard to say no to her. Growing up my brother was always the golden child and for a while it felt nice being the 'chosen one'.

OP posts:
MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 27/12/2019 20:03

So sorry that you’re going through this. Have you spoken to anyone at al-anon?
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/
They support family members dealing with alcoholic relatives and can help you to lose the guilty burden that you’re carrying on your shoulders.
You really do deserve a happy life and it’s not about choosing between your mum or your boyfriend.

Ambrose2 · 27/12/2019 20:06

I would be going no/low contact over the credit card alone. And the drink driving

Original poster
MyGhastIsFlabbered · 27/12/2019 20:09

Would it be completely out of order to ask my BF to be with me when I talk to my mum? He'll give me moral support and be firmer than me because he's not so emotionally involved. But there's a risk my mum will feel 'ganged you on' and I'm not sure it's fair to ask my BF to be involved.

OP posts:
Sprinklemetinsel · 27/12/2019 20:17

Good idea to have him nearby, so you can go out to him for a hug, for example.

Tell her you are going to say something really upsetting- that you will be upset, and that she will. That you love her and know she loves you, and so have to have this conversation. That way she is prepared.

Then tell her that she can't look after the DC anymore because of the alcohol. Also, that she can't drink in your house anymore, because of the drink driving etc.

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