Need to have a very difficult conversation with my mum...

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I need to get my big girl pants on and do it but I don't know how. DM lives in France and comes over mainly during school holidays to help me out with childcare. I'm a single mum of 2 boys aged 9 and 7. ExH will only have the boys 4 weeks a year. I only get 5 weeks leave myself...you do the maths.

This year has been a complete nightmare. Mum is a functioning alcoholic but her MH has deteriorated massively this year. I've often had her phoning me in tears telling me she wants to die.

We had a big holiday booked this year and she told me she was broke last Christmas and asked to borrow my credit card so she could save for the holiday. I find it very difficult to say no to her so I agreed; she ran up a £10k debt on the card and still hadn't saved for the holiday. It was a nightmare...I told her I was going to have to cancel because I didn't have much money but she told me it wouldn't be a problem, then expected me to pay for everything.

It came to a head over the summer and I confronted her about her drinking...she told me not to start because she was so depressed. But won't do anything about it.

A couple of days before Christmas we had a stupid row over nothing. She drove to my brother's house AFTER drinking a bottle of wine. I was beyond fucking furious. I haven't said anything up to now because I didn't want to spoil Christmas, but I can't not say anything.

I don't want her to come and stay anymore, but if she doesn't stay with me I don't think she can afford to visit. My brother won't have her. My boyfriend worked out that of the 12 months of the year, she's been at mine for 7 of them. I don't know how to tell her she can't stay anymore. And I don't know how I'm going to manage childcare. But every time she stays we end up arguing and it's just not healthy.

I don't know what to do.

Oh boy.

If it helps, have the bf there.

But definitely seek out support for you long-term. Your boundaries are still a work in progress.

You poor thing. 💐

Yes have your boyfriend present. Have a script. Make it very short. Your brother who has already cut her off? Talk to him first for some moral back bone.

I would say "Mum, I will no longer let you stay in my house or take care of my children. I hope you manage to get sober one day. I won't change my mind. I won't be talking to you at all for a couple of months. Goodbye.". Then hang up. Then send it as a text. Then block her number.

I bet that seems cruel to you. It isn't. She has trained you to think that closing off emotional abuse is mean and nice people must listen while drunk sad people say their piece for as long as they like. Nope. Not normal. You've been trained to be a good little alcoholic enabler. Stop. Cut her off for a good few weeks. Don't listen to her. It can't improve anything.

I think you need to put the childcare issue to one side. There will be solutions to that. Most families only get a combined 9or 10 weeks annual holiday, like you , so there are lots of options, though you may have a bit of a drive to them if you live very rurally.

The thing that needs addressing is her dependence on drink, and on you. Tell her that you are sorry,but you don’t want her to stay any more. You can’t trust her not to drink while she’s with the boys, and you don’t want to be in constant conflict with her. Then stop; you don’t need to justify yourself further. If she goes mad, so be it.

Out of interest, why won’t your brother have her to stay?

Do have your BF there! You should also cut/minimise contact with her. Ideally to one email address that you only look at once a week (when you feel strong). Also minimise contact with "flying monkeys".
I would suggest you get proper debt advice, the CAB if you can see them or similar (national debtline), they may be able to negotiate a better deal. But you need to stop giving/lending her any money - it is not fair on your children.

Your mother may feel ganged up on - but that is just an excuse because she can't manipulate you as much.

She is an adult and needs to sort her own stuff out. Your children are not and need to be cared for properly: not by an alcoholic, and free of debts.
Can you get a better job? Can you get an extra income? Lodger? Summer language students? Act as a Guardian for a boarding student?
Does your employer offer child care vouchers?

Is there a sports centre near you, my DC used to spend some time in summer sports clubs and they weren't sporty?

Alanon is a very good idea!

OP, of course it’s ok to have your boyfriend with you for moral support when confronting your mother.
It could be emotionally good to let her scapegoat him rather than you - everyone can pretend it’s him that is driving the agenda, rather than you.
Before you meet with your mother though, you need to be very clear in your own mind about what outcome you want to achieve. Do you want to sever all contact with mother, or just phone her with no visits, or do you want a limited number of visits at your invitation only? Can you decide what boundaries you want with regard to money - no more loans or credit card access for her, for example.
You need to be prepared for her to use all her weapons of emotional blackmail, tears, gaslighting, etc to try and drag you back into line and under her control. And you need to recognise that she has manipulated and emotionally abused you for your whole life, while your sibling was favoured as the golden child. You only won temporary favour when you were useful and handing over unlimited credit cards - that isn’t love or respect, that is cold hearted calculated abuse of a daughter by a selfish alcoholic mother.
I think you should read “Toxic Parents” by Susan Forward, and see a counsellor or therapist to work through the damage this awful woman has inflicted on you for years. Sorting out childcare is the absolute LEAST of your problems!

Hey op, it sounds like a difficult situation but you've said yourself how many issues you have because of your mother - do you really want her looking after your children and them growing up with similar issues? I was brought up by two "functioning" alcoholics, I know how much it messes you up. My mum doesn't drink now and I have no problem leaving my DD with her. I cut contact with my dad as soon as I found out I was pregnant. As far as I'm aware he still drinks (my parents are not together and I have no contact with him at all so really I don't know). If my mum still drank I'd let her see my DD but not unsupervised, my dad was a violent drunk and abusive man which is why I cut him out of my life completely.

With your mum, if you told her she could not stay, I would not say you are choosing your dp over her. I'd say you're putting yourself and your children first, which is exactly what you should be doing.

When I had dd, I saw it as a chance to start afresh and end the generations of misery that seems to be in my family. Me, her, and her dad. Her dad and I may not stay together, that's kind of up in the air at the moment, but our relationship troubles aside he is a good man and she is in a good environment. I was very firm in my mind that I do not want my dd's upbringing to have any of the dysfunction, abuse or chaos that my own upbringing had. Having that line in place mentally really helped me make hard decisions, like cutting out contact with abusive family members, because dd's wellbeing is my priority. I think you have to do something similar with your mum. And I do know it's hard.

I think childcare is separate issue. Your mum should not be left unsupervised with your DC at all. Would you be able to get an au pair to help with childcare?

Deep breaths. She has already screwed you emotionally and financially whilst endangering your children. I would seek support from Al-anon as well as your boyfriend and therapist in dealing with this. Remember, the 'golden child' has cut off access. You are allowed to as well.

Regarding childcare, your ex is a fuckwit and I would be so tempted to bill half of the holiday costs to him as that is enabling his work as well as your own. As it stands, UK law is so weak you are lucky to get anything from the CSA.

In the meantime...

• check with leisure centres, churches and area schools for childcare spaces. They don't have to be the same school as your kids attend (although obviously, that helps).

• Also look for childminders close to your work as it can cut down on the physical hours you need them.

• I recall Sainsbury's also did low cost sports weeks in the summer: worth keeping your eyes peeled for that one.

• Can you get together with any close friends that have children? If you are willing to do so, you can basically cover each other's kids for xx amount of time, reducing the amount time needed for paid solutions.

• If you can afford it, spread the cost of childcare across the year via the voucher scheme to cover the holidays. From what I understand, you have a 4 week shortfall to cover. In my area, that would be £20 per day, per child = £800. Hopefully you will get help with your cost (the childcare tax credit), but it works out at an extra £15 a week if not. Anything you can save (and twist your ex to do the same) will reduce the stress.

• Check with CAB that you are getting all the help available.

Good luck with everything.

As others have said with 10k you could have paid for all your holiday care until kids leave primary ...Find some real life support, al-anon, local NHS therapy service, counselling.... I'm sorry you're going through this

Gosh op, you have to get to al-anon.

Meetings here. Its your only hope really - ime therapy only goes so far (and takes an absolute age), you can crack on with some effective strategies immediately at al-anon, with tremendous and knowledgeable support.

I'm finally (after 30 years) in a good place

The boys absolutely adore her, and her them, they'd be devastated if she couldn't visit any more; but it's doing my MH no good at all

Your DC need YOU to stay well. She will have to go on the back burner.

Growing up my brother was always the golden child and for a while it felt nice being the 'chosen one

She is using you. Ive no doubt she will turn nasty once you stop enabling her. Be prepared for the tantrums.

Personally I would ignore her.

You are not her parent.

Is she making any attempt to pay back this £10k.
Add in to the conversation that you will need it gradually but steady repaid fortnightly, to cover all childcare costs. How dare she rip you off like that, her own child.

Protect your children not your mum. If you are feeling guilty, think about the fact that your dc need and deserve you (and your money) more than she does.

I haven't fully read the thread but really sorry to read the post. Must have felt v betrayed.

Coming at it from a different angle, it might help to know you can manage without her, you don't need her help, so looking at the childcare first. This may help strengthen the resolve. Does she need to be told now or later when You are ready?

Good for you clawing back control OP.

Only if she goes to rehab and she is 12 months sober, you may consider having a relationship with her.
Team bf

Thank you everyone for being kind on here. I was half expecting a pasting.

Oh my goodness! Yes, by all means have your BF with you when you talk to her. Tell her that you are not prepared to have her around your children, especially as she has history of drinking and driving. Is she paying back the credit card debt? I agree with those who suggested you contact al-anon, they will have lots of advice and support. All the best.