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Original poster

Was dp being selfish or should I be more considerate

29 replies

tinselsprig · 25/12/2019 11:39

Me, dp and the dc have planned to visit my mum and dad today. The last time we visited at Christmas was 2011. We were only going to stay for an hour or two.

Dp woke up saying he didn't feel 100% mentally and therefore we cannot go. I suffer with anxiety so I know how horrible it can be.

I got upset saying he was selfish as we planned this for weeks. He said I'm selfish for not supporting him. I offered to go with the dc alone but he says he doesn't want to be left alone at Christmas.

I've had to call my mum and dad to cancel. They were very understanding but I'm so upset and angry with him.

I know he suffers mentally but I was just so looking forward to this.

Now I've cancelled he's in the kitchen singing Christmas songs with the dc. Happy as anything.

I will bite my tongue to make sure the dc have a happy day.

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 25/12/2019 11:42

No, he is the one being selfish.

I have suffered from crippling anxiety in the past (now well medicated and under control) so I'm not someone who thinks it's a fake illness or a case of pulling yourself together.

But using your anxiety as a way to control other people is the height of selfishness. It's one thing not wanting to go himself, but another to insist that you don't go either.

RedskyAtnight · 25/12/2019 11:44

If he has genuine mental health problems then you are BU (but don't understand why you still couldn't have just popped into your parents for an hour - that was hardly leaving him alone at Christmas).

The fact he's fine at home with the kids doesn't prove anything - it might well have been the thought of having to go out/make an effort that made him feel not 100%.

ohwheniknow · 25/12/2019 11:45

He's being a controlling dick.

What else do you have to bite your tongue about? What happens if you don't?

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PlanDeRaccordement · 25/12/2019 11:47

What about tomorrow? Or anytime between now and New Years? You don’t need Christmas to visit your parents.

I agree keeping you from going was selfish of him.
Just thinking his anxiety cannot last for a week straight. There has to be a second chance at the visit. It would be very selfish if he objected to just rain checking today and trying again tomorrow or another day soon.

MulticolourTinselOnTheTree · 25/12/2019 11:48

OP, does he have form for using MH to back out of doing things?

And of course you could have gone to see your parents, it was only planned for an hour or two, that's not leaving him alone. He's the one being selfish, it seems to me.

Impatientwino · 25/12/2019 11:49

Fuck that - take the kids to your parents for a while and leave him at home.

As a PP has said using anxiety to control people is the height of selfishness. My DH has suffered in the past and would not dream of pulling that shit on Christmas Day.

You don't know what's ahead, if you have the opportunity to spend some time with your parents today I urge you to do it.

Thanks
Tigerty · 25/12/2019 11:53

That’s very controlling of him. He’s happy now he’s got his way. Sod that he’ll be fine for a few hours while you and the DC go to see your parents.

sameasiteverwasantiques · 25/12/2019 11:55

I agree take the kids and go by yourself with them. Selfish bugger he is, can't be left alone for an hour or two, please.

BloggersBlog · 25/12/2019 11:56

100% still go to your parents. He has the choice to be alone or come with you (could even sit in the car if he is that bad) Why does he get all the choices and everyone else has to dance to his tune?

TheWinterCaillech · 25/12/2019 11:57

Two different issues here. If he didn’t feel up to going out, given his mental health history then opting out was sensible.
To prevent you from going with the children was controlling and unacceptable.
Perhaps you could draw that boundary and keep it in a calm and logical manner to avoid hysterical fussing from him. Unfair on your children to be manipulated by him too.

IHateBlueLights · 25/12/2019 11:59

Go after dinner. He's a selfish cunt, OP.

JustASmallTownCurl · 25/12/2019 12:02

This is a tough one.

It could be that it was the thought of going out and being under pressure to talk to other people etc that was causing the anxiety, so he's now making an extra effort to be cheery and make Christmas nice as he knows you'll be sad you couldn't go.

OR

He didn't want to go and has used his anxiety as a reason and is now relaxed because he's doing what he wants without considering your feelings.

It's almost impossible to say but either way I really feel for you missing out on the day you were looking forward to.

I hope you can arrange another day to go to see them and say he's welcome but if he doesn't feel up to it then you'll still be going with the kids ThanksThanksThanks

FrivolousPancake · 25/12/2019 12:03

God I wouldn’t have cancelled on my parents if I were you OP.

JustASmallTownCurl · 25/12/2019 12:03

Ps I would also go later and say to him that you're a team and you've done half the day his way so now you feel it's only fair for you and the kids to enjoy the time you had planned, whether he joins you or not Thanks

WarmSausageTea · 25/12/2019 12:10

It sounds like you’ve been manipulated; he seems to have bounced back to ‘100%’ pretty bloody quickly.

Flower777 · 25/12/2019 12:16

I agree with everyone else, fine for
Him to prioritise his mental health but not fair to also ask you not to go :(

PrettyPurpleFeather · 25/12/2019 12:21

I'd pop round and see my parents regardless of how how he felt. I'd say to my selfish prick of a dh that it's important for my dc to see me visiting my folk. One day it'll be him waiting in for his dc to drop in on Christmas day but can't because they have a controlling partner who won't let them.

ClaraThePigeon · 25/12/2019 12:22

Please go without him. You and your parents deserve that. Fine if he didn't want to go but that doesn't mean that you can't.

ClaraThePigeon · 25/12/2019 12:23

And no, you are not being selfish. He is. Incredibly so and manipulative with it.

Lightuptheroom · 25/12/2019 12:29

My step son suffers with his MH, he also does this, is fine to go out with mates etc but suddenly 'can't' do things where someone else is in charge or may be controlling the environment instead of him. It's taken his dad a while to see this and we now arrange things, invite him to come if he wants but absolutely do not allow him to take control of our plans. You have to stick to your plan and go to your parents , because at the end of the day your lives do not revolve around his anxiety and somehow he has to learn management skills for these sorts of situations

Crunchymum · 25/12/2019 13:19

I assume you weren't planning dinner at your parents?

Why could DP not managed an hour or two on his own?

When my anxiety is bad then DP takes the kids and I make my apologies. Never in a million years would I expect everyone to stay in with me Shock

marvellousnightforamooncup · 25/12/2019 13:22

I'd have gone to my parents leaving him to watch a film for a couple of hours in peace.

Original poster
tinselsprig · 25/12/2019 14:18

It was the thought of going that made him ill. I have felt terribly guilty all day now and will probably make me a bit depressed for a few days. I'm so annoyed with myself but don't want to cause an argument inform of dc

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 25/12/2019 14:23

My dh suffers from crippling anxiety that stops him doing stuff.

He would still be suffering even if we had cancelled as the thought would have left him in a state.

Your dh sounds like he wants his own way all the time

BloggersBlog · 25/12/2019 15:08

Why are YOU feeling guilty @tinselsprig? He should if anyone, but all you can do is respond to what is in front of you. It isnt your fault!

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