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Original poster

I need either a hug or a slap in the face (probably the latter)

32 replies

Sadonxmas · 25/12/2019 00:25

I'm feeling all sad and shouldn't but my psyche betrays me every now and then. My DPs exW just got engaged good for her but it reminds me we're still not engaged. Here's the thing I don't particularly want to get married I just want the proposal for the most part (and the big wedding but then I have no one to invite so that's a moot point). We have a happy life and a beautiful son. I know that's what matters but I can't help feeling sad.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2019 00:28

Have you told him you want to get married? You have a child together, you can and should have an open and honest conversation about what you want.

Original poster
Sadonxmas · 25/12/2019 00:35

We've discussed it. In November last year he said he knew what ring to get. A month later he said we wouldn't rush into it (we were going through a rough patch to his defence). In February he said he saw us married within 5 years. Few months later to avoid wills u said we could just have a registrar's wedding and he said no, we should do things properly. Last time we spoke (and this is how I truly feel) I said there was no rush in getting married as we had our whole lives together ahead of us.

OP posts:
DontCallMeDarling · 25/12/2019 00:43

They say comparison is the thief of joy and I this may be an example of that. Enjoy Christmas and your life together.

Butterymuffin · 25/12/2019 00:47

If you don't have tons of people to invite, why not book a holiday where you can get married too? Maybe suggest that to him?

jelly79 · 25/12/2019 00:53

Embrace what you have got and be happy.

Bluerussian · 25/12/2019 01:02

A wedding at the local Registrar is still a wedding and they can still be quite fancy. Often people are more in love with the idea of a wedding than a marriage, something I've never understood. You do need to discuss this more because it is obviously on your mind.

Butterymuffin
If you don't have tons of people to invite, why not book a holiday where you can get married too? Maybe suggest that to him?
.......
Sounds like a very good idea.

However, jelly above says: "Embrace what you have and be happy", and that is very true. If you are financially independent there is really no rush to be married, a different matter for women who are hard up and dependent on a man's earnings and, later on, pension etc. Presumably your home is in both your names.

nevernotstruggling · 25/12/2019 01:06

You don't really want to get engaged because they are engaged. You know that really. You want to get engaged because it's the right time for you and dp x

Original poster
Sadonxmas · 25/12/2019 01:07

Yes, that's right. I don't depend on him at all. I'm the higher earner, house is both our names and I own £600k worth in other properties (one of the reasons I resist getting married).

I think I fall under those who want more the wedding than the marriage

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 25/12/2019 01:09

As a pp said comparison is the thief of you, be honest with him if things are good suggest setting a date.
It doesn't have to be huge, small but intimate.

TheSmallAssassin · 25/12/2019 01:13

Please get your wills sorted out in the meantime! Why are you avoiding them? It's a lot easier and cheaper to get sorted than a wedding!

Emeraldshamrock · 25/12/2019 01:15

one of the reasons I resist getting married
You sound very confused. You're obviously a smart lady if you have big investments and a good career.
Why are you pushing to get engaged if you're resisting marriage.

Original poster
Sadonxmas · 25/12/2019 01:25

I think confused is a good word. Ultimately because of financial reasons I don't want to get married. I like big gestures (this the proposal/engagement) I know he's a good man and if we were to get divorce he wouldnt ask for half of my assets. I've also thought that maybe he's never proposed because I've been very clear of what type of ring I want and they aren't cheap. So maybe he's saving up. Normally I'm very clear that there's no rush and we'll marry when it's the right time

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 25/12/2019 01:38

There is absolutely no harm in a prenuptial agreement to protect your investments. I don't think he'd mind or he would have married you sooner if he was after your money.
Protect your assets with a fair agreement, enjoy your ring. Smile

Original poster
Sadonxmas · 25/12/2019 08:36

Thanks "Emerald* I hadn't seen in that way and you're right.
This is the ring I'd like (or similar don't care if it's Tiffany or not ) www.tiffany.co.uk/jewelry/rings/tiffany-soleste-ring-GRP06197/

OP posts:
Silvercatowner · 25/12/2019 08:44

Shock at the price of that ring......

PotteringAlong · 25/12/2019 08:47

£9k on a ring?! And you don’t even want to marry him? That’s a hell of a gesture you’re after...

thickwoollytights · 25/12/2019 08:51

Wow @sad you seem very confused.

plunkplunkfizz · 25/12/2019 08:52

I suggest a sharp slap to the face is in order given you want to become engaged for all the wrong reasons. Married life is singularly devoid of grand gestures (unless you would be vow renewal types) so perhaps it’s not for you. Something tells me your relationship has a lot of ups and downs.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 25/12/2019 08:56

Have you thought about some sort of commitment ceremony?

Get your wills and finances in order then arrange a meaningful to you ceremony followed by a meal and a holiday.

The ring would be the visible token of your mutual pledge. And no mingling of finances, pre nups, etc required.

Bluerussian · 25/12/2019 08:56

A very pretty ring!

I understand why you are not in any great rush to be actually married but, as has been mentioned, a prenuptual agreement is a sensible idea in your circumstances.

Cuddling57 · 25/12/2019 09:00

I think when you haven't got something you want it!
I know a few women who it drove them mad a little bit not knowing when they were getting engaged and the guy talking about it. Once it happens it's so much more relaxed.
Maybe propose to him instead (then you can just buy that ring yourself Grin)! Then have a very long engagement!

catwithnohat · 25/12/2019 09:08

A swift slap seems to be in order....the better part of £10k just so you can say you're engaged, fully missing the point of what an engagement is about.

He doesn't seem overly invested in the idea. Unsurprisingly.

gamerchick · 25/12/2019 09:09

So you want him to spend nearly 9k on a ring and a proposal but dont actually want to marry him?

Poor bugger. I feel a bit sorry for him tbh. Assuming your relationship leaves you feeling insecure at times?

Gingerkittykat · 25/12/2019 09:18

Get a grip, if you want a £9K ring then go and buy it yourself. You can then go to the Disney store and get a princess dress and parade around in it for a few hours.

Original poster
Sadonxmas · 25/12/2019 09:32

I actually like the ring in itself, I would buy it just as a cocktail one. There are similar ones for less than £2k. But then I don't know if I'm up for the idea of buying the ring myself.

He's very in tune with me, he was able to pick up that was wrong with me this morning and said we will do it and that it will complete us as a family. Which I replied that it didn't really make any difference but that I agree it would be nice to have something to celebrate. And that my DM would appreciate to have a wedding to attend.

I don't see ass marriage changing who we are or our lives. We have a house, we have a baby, we have a will that gives everything to each other. The only thing I'm missing is the party and and a ring

OP posts:
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