Saying it here so I don't say it out loud.

[Glentherednosedbattleostrich]

Disclaimer! I like my MIL, she is ill with vascular dementia and I am being very understanding and lovely to her before anyone says how awful I am. However I need to vent so I remain lovely and sweet to her.

We have MIL staying for Christmas. We have been to our home town to visit my family and to collect her. We spent most of yesterday with MIL and all of today. She is here until Friday.

She was diagnosed earlier this year with vascular dementia and is losing her short term memory. She is thankfully past the angry aggressive stage.

Since yesterday, we have had the same conversation on a 40 minute loop.

She keeps taking her ear rings out and putting them back in (I can't bear watching this, it is something which makes me feel genuinely I'll I have a huge thing about skin being punctured, faint when given injections etc)

She keeps trying to feed my dog junk food. Now she gets little tastes but only things which are ok for her. She has no understanding of safe foods for dogs.

She constantly makes noise, humming, tapping, muttering. There is no silence.

She wanders into my bedroom, she has a lovely guest room with en suite but she insists on wandering in.

I'm hiding in the kitchen regularly prepping food for tomorrow and I'm taking pooch for lots of short walks with my friends (who also have in law's visiting.). We are seriously considering smuggling gin and crisps out and hiding in the park!!!

I am very aware this could be her last Christmas with us as her health is deteriorating and she is disappearing, although I hope it's not. So I am pasting on the smile and being a wonderful host bit fucking hell, she's driving me nuts!!! Just needed to get it out.

Oh and dementia is a bastard.

You are not awful for feeling this way, you're frustrated! Wouldn't be human if you didn't feel this way. Definitely take the gin next time you take the dog out!

It is indeed i hear you xxx

It’s difficult to watch people deteriorate. We often do realise but there’s a lot of anger suppressed beneath everything else when this happens. The things that people with dementia do seem much worse because u see watch it all you’re just so ducking angry that this has happened to them. Well done for managing the frustration and merry Christmas.

My mum had vascular dementia for 10yrs.
You should be thankful that she isn't Crying and looking for her mother. My mum did that constantly.
Absolutely Fucking Awful Disease.
Hope your MIL was a Merry Christmas.

Better out than in, and better here than there.

I can’t remember who said it, but old age isn’t for wimps, and to paraphrase them, being around people in their old age isn’t for wimps, either. It really needs a different kind of patience, and if you need to let off a little steam from time to time, you’re only human.

Well done, you're doing a good thing that you'll look back on and be thankful for. Take it an hour at a time; drink gin; eat crisps and chocolate, and Merry Christmas!

My dad has this horrible disease and it's just tragic.
Be kind to yourself.

Thanks for not being awful. I do feel guilty because I'm not the most patient.

@ParkheadParadise I'm honestly dreading her getting to this stage. As awful as it sounds, I would rather her heart gave out before it happens. She is already getting lost in her memories if they makes sense.

Whilst we just have the diagnosis she's been getting worse for the last few years. It's just shit.

It's a sad and cruel disease that tests the patience of saints. Perhaps a lock on your bedroom door for your privacy so you have somewhere to sit with your dog whilst you drink gin Best wishes to you all.

Feel for you and admire your stealth.
You sound a lovely dil, short walks, crisps and gin sounds just the ticket x

Is your DH helping to look after her to give you a break?

I know it's a bit late in the day but could you get one of those fiddly blanket things that are good for people with dementia? I don't know their name, but they are knitted and have bits on that they can play with, like a woolly fidget spinner. That might calm the restlessness/humming etc

@Glentherednosedbattleostrich
It wasn't all bad sometimes she would make me laugh. When she used to ask me who I was, I'd tell her I'm your daughter. She'd turn to me looking straight in the eye and say Don't be so fucking stupid your an old women. I was in my early 30s.
It was so strange she didn't know any of her 4 daughters who were there constantly BUT she did know her 2 son's who didn't like to visit.
When my mum passed away she told us her mother was there(that's all she wanted at the end). My sister told her to go with her, she passed away peacefully 10mins later.

right there with you.
had it today.cried.laughed.got angry.felt helpless.felt i should be doing more.less.anything!
wanted her to just remember.make sense.allow me to see her.then elt guilt shame and angry at myself.
went back twice.three times and more round the loop before walking out for another cry.
now just cant stop thinking,feeling and being so confused myself.
keeping everything crossed that she isnt in the same boat and this isnt painful for her.that she is living dreamily in her head?i dont know.
its a bastard and each time i see her im shocked at the decline.
your not alone op.
come vent.its ok.your human and mixed with angry love.its because you care so much that it brings out such a reaction.its because your good.

Honestly, I'd take the earrings from her for now. It's unfair to be grossed out in your own home.

I worked for 20 years with various gorms of dementia. It's hard. My heart goes out to you.

Ah op you sound like a lovely DIL. My grandmother had vascular dementia, sadly she recently had a stroke and we lost her last week. I miss her, but dementia is awful and so frustrating so I don't blame you for feeling this way. Hope you all have a lovely Christmas x

Forms, not gorms. FFS.

This is my Christmas yet to come with my lovely mum. I know it.

Thinking of you and of those who walk or have walked this road.

crisps and gin sounds like a good plan.

@NumbersStation
Hope this Christmas is good for you.

do you have a small blanket.bracelet with beads or pearl on.or a grandhchild who can give her a cuddly toy to hold.they seemed to help.especially the cuddly toy dog.she sits and holds and strokes and fiddles.(sometimes talks) with it.

@kateandme
That's a good idea.
My mum had a doll she carried around everywhere. When she got agitated it calmed her down.

I’m with mum with dementia this Christmas too. Such a furiously sad disease. It breaks my heart to see her poor gentle face wrought with anxiety because she thinks she’s meant to have done something or been somewhere and just can’t remember what or when or where.

I really recommend ‘Contented Dementia’ by Oliver James. But there is no answer of course Nd you can’t rescue them.

It certainly is..it’s taken three of my loved ones and the fourth is clinging on by her finger nails.