Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Salary expectations

41 replies

NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 10:23

I was chatting with my husband the other day, and I said that we had a really nice life with both of us bringing in decent money. He laughed and said I barely covered anything and that he was the real provider.

For reference, I earn £38k working 30 hours a week meaning we need minimal childcare, just breakfast club 3 days a week. I would not call that minimal contribution at all. I don't know how much he earns as an annual salary as it's all in dividends, he puts about £4K/month into our joint account. Which is about twice what I do.

I am fucking livid that he classes that as a minimal contribution. I work bloody hard for it as well, I've got a local authority pension with it and my boss is super flexible so I really couldn't do better anywhere else.

He's a dick, isnt he?

OP posts:
Toffeecakes · 24/12/2019 10:24

YANBU, he's a dick. He's trying to belittle you, does he do this a lot?

QuickstepQueen · 24/12/2019 10:25

Yep! Even when I didn’t work for many years dh always said I did the most important job - which he said he meant sincerely - he would never undermine me like that.

Original poster
NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 10:26

I think he always has, Ive just noticed it more recently. We don't have separate accounts, so everything we earn goes into the pot and we spend some, save some (in my name so thumbs up there!) and stop when it's gone. I thought we had a really good attitude to money and this has really fucked me off

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Childcare & nursery
AShaveAndAHarecutHalfPrice · 24/12/2019 10:26

Well, you earn more than me and I am the main earner in my household.

We manage to run two cars and holiday abroad most years - £38k is far from nothing.

Original poster
NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 10:29

He keeps making noises about me giving up work and just being at home. My job could be done freelance.

I promise you, after that wee comment, giving up my nice secure pension and lovely boss is the LAST thing I will be considering

OP posts:
SayNoToCarrots · 24/12/2019 10:30

I'd say as its clearly not as significant to the family pot as it is to you, you may as well get your own account and keep it.

wineandsunshine · 24/12/2019 10:30

You earn three times my salary so it's not minimal at all! I would be seriously pissed off if my DH said that!!

Why don't you book a nice weekend spa break without him on your minimal wage and see how he feels!! 🤣🤣

JoJoSM2 · 24/12/2019 10:31

That comment wouldn’t go down well with me at all.

Original poster
NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 10:32

Gah! He has form for being a dick about my job - i occasionally have to work outside my normal hours if we have a crisis and he will do nothing to assist this with childcare leaving me with the afterschool club and favours from friends to get by. He keeps saying that it's not my job to pick up the emergencies, get someone else to do it, they are taking the piss etc.

I am the only person often who can, it's literally part of my job description and I get paid a good whack to pick up shit like that. FTE is about £47.5k I think, which is properly good money.

OP posts:
Original poster
NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 10:34

I think he wants the nice life where he doesn't have to lift a finger at home. That will not be happening.

I had 15 months at home when I had three kids under 5 and working was too much on top of that, but I went back as soon as the smallest got her 15 hours at preschool and it became viable again.

I mean I can't leave him for a throwaway comment like that, we are having some communication difficulties, but FFS.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 24/12/2019 10:37

Tell him you want to divorce him and have 50/50 custody. That might illustrate exactly what you contribute.

Original poster
NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 10:39

It is tempting. Very tempting

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 24/12/2019 10:41

You earn almost 4 times what I do OP. Trust me, you're doing very well and he's a dick

sansou · 24/12/2019 10:43

I'm sure that he'll miss the third of your joint income if it was no longer there! It's a twattish comment for him to make.

cheeseismydownfall · 24/12/2019 10:44

OP I earn a very similar amount to you on very similar hours with a lovely flexible boss (and with all the benefits of being able to cover school pickups etc). I don't have a super pension though sadly!

My take home is about 20 per cent of the household income. The difference is that my DH hugely values the work I do. Although it isn't a huge percentage of the overall pot, once all the essentials like mortgage, pensions, bills, food etc are paid, it represents a big chunk of our 'fun' money that enables us to have days out, holidays etc. So actually it makes a big difference to a quality of life. My DH also recognises that it is important to me, and never, ever makes a comment about his "big job". He does his fair share of emergency cover, appointments etc (where practical) and flexes his work on the odd occasion I have to travel or work late.

I think your DH needs a serious talking to. You've obviously done very well to secure such a well paid and family friendly position and he should be thanking you for that, not belittling you.

Yesterdayallmyfish · 24/12/2019 10:46

Plain rude even if your salary wasn't very much. 38k is more than or household income so it is obviously a healthy salary. You also do all the childcare. You rock! But who says to another person that their salary isn't much, even if they think it? Rude people do.

Comefromaway · 24/12/2019 10:46

You earn more than both dh and I and I’d class us as having a very comfortable life.

He doesn’t actually earn that much more than you by the sound of it, just he won’t be getting taxed much on dividends.

Original poster
NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 10:49

He seems to think that if I didn't work, we'd still have the same income as my car wouldn't cost as much and I wouldn't buy lunches etc.

I do not spend £2k/month on commenting. My car is paid for and I usually have the £3 Tesco meal deal if I don't have leftovers as a packed lunch.

He's fucking deluded. And I am properly furious now

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 24/12/2019 10:50

Just to mimic PP above, my husband values my work too even though I only take home a third of what he does. It means I'm there for our 3 year old DS, I can do all his appointments and it leaves him able to go to work and not worry that he'll get a call about something (unless it's a total emergency). I often have to work a few extra hours too and he helps out. Like PP, my wage makes up our fun money. His wage pays all the bills, food and essentials but mine allows us days out, meals out, holidays etc. However, if I was working and couldn't get away for DS, he would go. He also does stuff around the house and comes to important appointments because at the end of the day, we are both parents. I think he would be very proud if I was able to be the main carer and work and have a salary the size of yours, he is proud at the moment of what I'm able to juggle

Original poster
NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 10:54

I have worked my ovaries off to get myself in this position.

And you know what, it would be plenty to keep me and the kids on my own, and he could keep all his for himself.

OP posts:
ItsLikeHeardingCats · 24/12/2019 10:54

He keeps making noises about me giving up work and just being at home. My job could be done freelance.

Well, wouldn't that just be convenient and a status symbol for him?

If you pay half as much as him into the joint account, this would make you the contributor of 1/3 of your running expenses. Not a small share, I would have thought. Most normal families I can think of couldn't simply adjust to losing that much of their income. And when I say "most", bear in mind that - due to my own job - I happen to know quite a few people with salaries in the mid-to-high six to low seven figures. Strike them out of the equation and it's just not feasible.

Not quite sure what you mean by his pay being dividend only, but: any comoensation model that is exclusively based on company or individual performance is a tad precarious, to be honest. I should know: while my colleagues and I have a fixed base salary, our executive compensation packages actually consist of a fair share of variable boni and equity. Last Christmas wasn't great: while the entire rest of the family was sleeping off their hangovers / taking the kids for a walk, I was at my mum's, glued to the TV screen following the stock market dip and calculating my risk exposure.

Your husband should be bloody grateful you've a steady income that won't vanish in a heartbeat.

PS: ask him how much he actually makes - the not knowing sounds precarious!

Original poster
NothingIsWrong · 24/12/2019 11:54

He is the director and employee of his own limited company, so he takes £11k pa as salary and the vast bulk as dividends - his accountant set it up so I assume it is all above board.

And yes, it was my salary that kept us going when he first set up... often forgotten...

OP posts:
AShaveAndAHarecutHalfPrice · 24/12/2019 12:04

I am angry on your behalf now OP.

ItsLikeHeardingCats · 24/12/2019 12:17

He is the director and employee of his own limited company

Translation, going by this and the figures named: you're basically the financial bedrock of your family, OP:

With these figures in that set-up, we're probably looking at a reasonably well performing but small-ish (in my understanding, having worked for multi-national corporations all my working life) company, I would have guessed. Great while it lasts, can be the source of life-long financial stability but can also go tits up quickly and badly for any number of reasons.

Also, having financed the start of this enterprise, really you should have some equity in the firm. Technically, you're an investor - marriage or not. Arguably not legally enforceable - but it would be decent.

Comefromaway · 24/12/2019 13:08

That’s pretty much what I’m on (£11k salary except my dividends are less at £1,700 per month). The family company I work for sustains 4 shareholders and 30 employees. It’s a way of saving on tax by drawing dividends instead of salary.

But he sounds an absolute arse. My dh is on a salary of £29k and has considerably higher commuting expenses than you but we felt it when he was off work sick for 6 months and went down to half, then no pay. You’re so lucky to have such a well paid, flexible job. He needs to realise that.