Help me make a crib sheet of useful phrases for a family Xmas

[missproportionate]

I’ll start:

‘This doesn’t work for us’
there is no way in this earth that we will do this

‘No’
a complete sentence with no need of explanation

‘Excuse me, I must just check something in my room’
and leave Thais situation before I am rude

Did you mean to be so rude?

‘Thank you very much, it’s lovely’ (for smallish children who have been given something they don’t like/have already)

‘It is certainly something we can consider’ —or not—

'Can we get back to you about that'

I need some time to think of a good excuse

'That's a really interesting way of looking at things'

You're opinions are idiotic

Can I stop you there?

‘Oh yes, I think I remember you telling me that - yes, very funny/true/sad/shocking’

this is the 27th time you’ve told me this

‘Oh, I think I might have heard Grandma/anti/uncle calling you from the other room’

now give me some peace child!

"Oh, go on then"

(In case someone is offering a drinks top up)

It's interesting how everyone does things differently, isn't it.

You've told me what you think I should be doing 12 times, sodding shut up.

Don't worry it's all under control in the kitchen and you're in the way.

He's such a boring old drunk character.

That's nice.

Here is the kettle. Here is the fridge. Here are the tea, coffee and sugar canisters. Here is the mug cupboard. I've offered you a cuppa 12 times. Please just help yourself.
Don't die of dehydration because you don't want to be a bother. Just make your drink as you like it!

Aww, @EggysMom I came on to say that's nice too, got to be said in your best Mrs Brown voice though!

We are guests so we don't criticise their politics. (To militant teenage DC on boxing day)
Well we sat down to eat at 1, as we told you. Now it's 4 pm I have a lovely plate of leftovers for you. (To sil who is often randomly hours late.)

My top tip from this year

A well stocked bedroom stash! Some drinks bottles, chocolate bars, mini bag of sweets and a good book.

Dont you feel a terrible headache coming on and you need to go and lie down?

It's really not appropriate to say that any more. Stop being so fucking racist and/or sexist!

No the turkey isn't underdone. I'm quite capable of basic cookery thanks

There's a lightning cable in the drawer. Because you didn't bother bringing one like always

Yes actually, you can do xxxxx

Or

Yes actually, you can bring xxxx

Rather than 'no, no, you enjoy the special time with my children, in my house, at my expense, while I make dinner for ten people ....'

I just need to go and top up the bird feeders. (I just want to sit on the garden bench which is out of sight of the house for ten minutes where it will be quiet and away from banal conversations).

That's really lovely, thank you. I'll save it for New Year. (However many times I tell you that I'm seriously allergic to one of the ingredients, you always buy it, but because you are old and otherwise nice I won't make a fuss)

I didn't buy any chocolate cranberries this year. (I did but they are hidden away and they are all mine. I have a few every time I go upstairs).

Wouldn't you like to take the dog/ children for a walk to see all the lights -and get yourself and them out from under my feet-

A drum-kit/ recorder/ toy police car with sound effects (delete as appropriate)! How wonderful! DC would love this to live at your house so they can play with it when they visit.

--

Just this. Sometimes saying nothing is wise.

Oh yes that'd be nice.

I'd rather stab my eyes out with skewers

Please don’t piss on the carpet again.

And no, Mary’s fanny did NOT have tinsel on it.

I’ve just used it must go and wrap the presents - please don’t come in my room’ to wrap the presents and have a little break from them all and lie down

I need to pop home and feed the cats. watch EastEnders while pigging out on chocolate