Parental announcement: 'This will be your last birthday party.'

[letsgomaths]

(I'm not looking for sympathy, or saying my parents were wrong - I'm just sharing my thoughts on this.)

The declaration "this will be your last birthday party" was made by my parents, shortly before my 7th birthday, with emphasis on the word 'party', rather than 'birthday'. They made that "last" party into a good one, and my slightly younger brother was allowed one more "party" after this as well. What they meant was no more parties with lots of friends round, and games. Everything else remained - presents, cake, singing Happy Birthday, but from then on it was strictly "birthday tea", usually with other family members, and I could have one friend round for this. Also they never prevented me from going to someone else's party, unless we already had something planned (which did happen once: a massive disappointment when you're only six years old).

At the time, the "no more parties" announcement was somewhat devastating to hear: when you're only seven, a year is a long time, "never" is a big word, and birthdays feel precious. It must have taken them a fair bit of courage to make such a declaration. Some years later they explained that when they saw the kinds of parties we were sometimes invited to (whole class invited to McDonalds, disco, swimming pool etc.), they didn't want us to feel that this kind of thing was expected; organising such a party was certainly more than they could afford, or were prepared to organise.

To this day, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Sometimes I feel sad for the parties I might have had, and for the stark way they announced it, but I'm also well aware that at age I struggled with social occasions, which might also have been part of their reasoning. It also means that I now say very readily "I don't do parties" or "I don't do Christmas cards", or "I don't go to weddings of people I barely know" when lots of people grudgingly say "I was invited, I suppose I ought to go". Is this a positive thing?

I was reminded of this by all the recent threads about cancelling Christmas, or at least scaling it back to make it less stressful for she who has to do the real work: lots of people are saying, if you don't want to host a big Christmas dinner, then don't; simple as that. Perhaps it was the kindest way my parents could think of to manage my expectations of birthdays. I very much understand their reasoning, but I remember it was a shock to hear it at the age of six.

My last birthday party, although it wasn't announced as such, was when I was 9. My 10th and 11th were like yours OP, a birthday tea. This had the advantage of no guests to hide from while they destroyed my presents.
From 12 onwards, I was at school, and a successful birthday was one that ended without a kicking. For my 18th, I treated myself to boeuf bourguignon, a bottle of Holstein, and Star Wars.

I find that pretty sad actually.

I've got 3 dc & parties are hard work & expensive but totally worth it & just as important as the presents in my opinion.

My DD turns 11 soon & she's been thinking about her party for ages, where she'd like to go, who to invite (same kids as usual!) party bags etc

We always give the option of having a party or choosing a family day out but we've only done family days instead of birthday parties twice & they involved overnight stays as we're in Cornwall & everywhere is miles away!!

It's once a year for about 10 years (age 4 - 14ish although I'd carry on for as long as they wanted)

One of the mums at school lets her 2 dc alternate each year to have a party. They're not short of money at all. Seems a bit mean to me.

Pffft, I think you're really overthinking it!

I can understand it might've been a shock at the age of 6, but you're at an age now where you can understand your parents' logic and maybe respect that they didn't skint themselves or get into debt and stress to host children's parties every year. They still celebrated and marked the occasion with you and I'm guessing you received gifts.
I've never really thought about this before. My children have had parties but certainly not every year and I don't feel guilty about that.

It was weird they made a big song and dance about announcing it was your last party. If they had played it down you probably wouldn't have even realised you were missing out. Plenty of kids celebrate without a big party.

I think it’s sad too. High school age it would have been ok to swap to a smaller gathering but primary children are so young.

I also find it very rude to not host a party yet accept invites from others.

The 'fashion' from around 8 for me and my classmates was for a birthday tea. Maybe all the parents were skint (mine were).

I never had a big party out somewhere. When we had big ones they were at home, with pass the parcel etc.

Then we would have birthday teas, and a few friends would be invited.

I never had a mcds party but remember my mum taking us and a few of my friends to mcds for a bday dinner. Back then mcds was a novelty, not everyday food like now.

Never affected me, and they were good birthdays :)

This ^ was the 80's.

If it makes you feel any better birthdays were never a thing in our house growing up. We got one card which dad would sign from him and mum and mum might cook a dinner we liked but no candles or cake or wrapped presents etc

In fact it was only by going to the few parties I was allowed to go to that I learned what birthdays involved.

what you don't know you don't miss.

Aw, that was a bit of a harsh way to phrase it, though I guess they didn’t want you building up expectations to have them dashed. For the record, my one and only birthday party to date has been my 50th when I just thought ‘sod it! I’m doing this.’ My folks hadn’t cash to spare and DM goes in fear of having to host anything (dines out on the trauma of having one of my friends round on my birthday one year as an experiment). My birthdays were always a ‘tea’ with a few grown up rellies (I’m an only). I never felt I’d missed out as such but invitations to other kids’ parties did stop because I obviously didn’t reciprocate.

I don't think it's a major issues.
Growing up a lot of my form had parties until 7yo and then most didn't in the juniors. Some had small trips out of 2-3 people, but not a party. Very few people had parties after 7yo.

I think telling you early enough to get used to it was a good idea. I've certainly had my dc coming to me over 9 months before their birthday saying "at my next party I want to..." Better to know before than tell them at that point when they're planning/might have told friends.
I think it probably was also as well to tell you before the last party, as saying "you won't have another party" would potentially be more devastating for a child than "you have one more."

My birthday is on a particular week where everybody tends to be away/on holiday. I didn't have a birthday party till I threw one myself as an adult.

Most at primary school stopped having parties at around 8 or 9 and just have a few friends for a sleepover or family only. I don't think it's overly unusual...

Oh god I announced that to DS for his 7th. To be honest I find parties a total ball ache. I said last night party with whole class’. I am intending to do a cinema trip with a group of friends and a McDonald’s or laser quest or something though, just not the rigmarole of a party.

I only had a birthday party when I was 7, at home with the kids from the houses around. It was the 70s and we were on the bones of our arses financially. Remember it as very special and didn’t feel I’d missed out.

I never had parties. Sometimes I was allowed a friend round but was told about it and never chose who it would be.

The one 'party' I had was a collection of elderly neighbours and aunts and a couple of school friends when I was about 15, organised by my mother, of course. I have photos of us all, lined up in the garden.

I went to one party, there were 3 of us plus the friend's younger sister and mother and I was made to wear a horribly itchy and hot dress and squeaky shoes, of course they made a noise during the 'games' and dancing because they had rubber soles so I was reluctant to move after a comment was made.

Anyone who had even a couple of decent birthdays is very lucky compared to mine.

I've never had a birthday party...I enjoy going to other peoples though

When I was a child in the 70's, having a party or anything more than a couple of friends round was really unusual once you left infants, and tbh I can't ever remember having a party party. No one went on a trip instead either until we were late teens and could take the bus to go out (15 miles to nearest large town)

I was a child in 70s and a party for us meant about 6 friends round to the house for some games and a party tea. There was no hiring venues or big trips out.

My ds had his last party last year when he was 10. From now on it will be an outing and something to eat for him and a couple of friends.

I actually think it’s a shame that more parents aren’t like that!! I think there’s a lot of pressure put on parents to give their child a large expensive party every year when most probably can’t afford it. My little boy will start school next year and I’m already dreading it. There’s no way I will be able to afford to take a whole class of children somewhere like some parents do. I would prefer to have a few children at our house and have an old fashioned tea party and party games. Everything these days has become a big competition (and I don’t begrudge those parents that actually want to/can afford to, that’s lovely) but I hate the expectation that you have to do it in return. Sounds like your birthdays were still made special, just in a different way and there’s nothing wrong with that in my opinion

Your parents did what they thought best. You still got your celebration but not the big party. Money may have been tight. Parents didn't discuss finances then with their kids, you either got something or you didn't, it doesn't sound like you missed out, they gave you what they could afford.

McDonalds was becoming big when I was young, I always wished for a party there. I went to parties there but now looking back it was expensive and I'm glad they didn't put themselves through that stress just to be the same as everyone else.

I'm now at an age where parties are ridiculous. Thankfully mine finished having parties when they were done at home and just when play centres were starting to become popular.

My nieces and nephews all have children now and the parties are so ott. We were recently at a horse riding place, 20 kids and then a half day in a hotel where every entertainer was on hand and every type of food. Another one had hired a field and had every bouncy castle there with rides etc. One party last year had hired Neil horan to perform, it was an 8th birthday party. I mean, who can live up to extravagant parties like these.

I never had a party.
My brother and 2 sisters did though..probably one of the many reasons I'm now in therapy!

My kids have a party (more a day out with closest friends..think go ape/paintballing type things) every other year and this will stop after the last year of primary.

I think that's pretty sad tbh. I didn't have many birthday parties as such growing up, mostly birthday teas which was fine by me as that was the expectation (and all of my childhood birthdays that I remember were lovely).

I had one big class party for my 10th birthday as it was a 'big' birthday, which felt like a real treat. We went bowling and had party food in the bowling alley.

By the time I was 11 I was more interested in going to the movies with a couple of friends than having a big birthday.

To say to a 7 year old 'no more birthday parties' seems very harsh to me.

Perhaps plan it that way and steer them towards more low key celebrations but to announce it seems a bit cruel.

Parties kind of stopped about 7 or 8 for me too, they became ‘teas’ or even a trip to the Wimpy and to see ‘Herbie rides again’ at the cinema with four friends.