0 friends among coworkers after over 3 years at this job

[scenicview222]

So, basically the title says it all.

I am naturally a super shy person but back home in my home country I had at least one person in my workplace that I chatted with regularly. At this job I have none. No one seems remotely interested in getting to know me at all.

At this job I feel like an outcast. I am a foreigner as I am not British and I think that might be a factor as well as my shyness.
I am from Italy but for some reason I am mistaken as a Polish girl. I've had a couple of people ask me out of the blue if I was or speak to me convinced that I was Polish. I don't look Italian and I know but then I don't have a Polish accent when speaking so I don't know why they assume that and even my name isn't a Polish one. Anyway, I say this as undeniably Eastern European people can be the object of unmotivated dislike among some Brits. I cannot think why someone would come and ask me if I am Polish otherwise.
I am always polite and if someone says hi or smiles at me I say hi back and smile. I don't think I present myself as unapproachable or stuck up. The people around my age or slightly younger just flat out blank me. The older ones are a little friendlier at least.
I work together with these people on a shift then they might pass by me on the way out while I am sitting down waiting for my cab and they act like they don't know me at all and don't even bother acknowledging me. I find it disconcerting.
There was this girl I had the induction with who initially would smile at me (of course I would smile back)... now she sees me and if I smile at her she just looks at me with this blank expression. Nothing whatsoever happened - I don't have any real interaction with these people so there has never even been the chance for me to even do anything bad lol. I really don't get it.
Oh and before anyone attributes this behaviour to a bad day or something like that. That has been happening every single time now so she can't be having a bad day all the time (and it's not that anyway as she hangs out with others just fine).
I have also noticed people working close to me don't even try to initiate chats with me but if they are put to work with someone else they will have a chat, etc. I am talking about newcomers as well so it's like for some reason people don't wanna speak with me.

You will tell me: you make the first move then. Like I said, I am pathologically shy and more so with people I have to speak to in English. Being super shy has never been a big problem for me as at least in my home country there was always the one person who gave me a chance to open up. Not like this here. I have been in this country for like 10 years now and I have 0 friends. 0. Not joking.
Yeah, I am a loner and a homebody but surely even someone like me should be able to befriend one person at least. I don't bite and I am a very calm and polite person. I don't know what's wrong with me that seems to keep these people here at a distance. They seem willing to initiate a chat with other Brits like them, even with newcomers like I once was, but not with me. Maybe you can help me understand. Thank you.

it very likely isn’t you OP but the ingrained culture of your workplace. People who would have been friendly in an overall friendlier workplace can be very different in a cliquey workplace and just fall in with the dominant culture. I’m sorry if it is motivated by prejudice against Europeans. You sound lovely so don’t let it affect how you see yourself.

It’s not your fault love!! Wish you were my coworker we could chat it up. The outcasts tend to stick together. I think it’s probably being the newbie, when another new person comes befriend them. Also if you are shy sometimes that can be seen as stuck up, not fair but how it is.

You sound lovely. I’m sure it’s not you, it’s them.

I will be honest i go to work to work and I’m not that interested in making “friends” at work . Yes I chat to people if the situation arises but I wouldn’t go out of my way to ask what they did at the weekend etc. You need to look for friends elsewhere.

Sounds tough OP-
Are you so shy that if someone initiates a conversation you don’t really carry it on? So if someone asks you a question do you answer if and not reciprocate? Because tbh people are naturally more drawn to confident people, have you tried starting a conversation “how was your weekend? Ready for Xmas” etc

Its not you op, it's them. Also if you are shy sometimes that can be seen as stuck up, not fair but how it is

I think you have a triple whammy of not being in your home country, not speaking your own language and being very very shy.

Ultimately though making friends is a 2 way street.

Like the girl on the induction, she smiled at you and you smiled back but didn’t say or do anything to take it further.

She probably thought you were blanking her and didn’t want to take the potential friendship any further so now just ignores you.

How much effort in the first place did you put into opening conversations with your colleagues
Are you waiting for others to do all the running and come to you.

Making friends does take effort.

I have a thread about something similar I totally empathise with you. I wish we worked together!

Unlikely to be you , some work places are weird . Last place I worked at was like that , most of the staff disliked me and vice versa it was very toxic environment. I know it's not me as I've made some very good friends over the years where I've worked and my current job I love most of my colleagues. Maybe time to change jobs ?

Thank you for all the replies. You gave me some encouragement and you were very sweet.

For some reason this issue has been really getting to me lately. I am dreading going to work tomorrow. Normally I hate working but I am indifferent to the environment but right now I just don't feel like seeing anyone there.

This year, for the first time I've had a couple of "incidents" where a colleague had a go at me.

One time was when I was put to work with this lady to help while my delivery arrived (I work night shifts in a supermarket).
She already looked pissed when she saw me as I worked it out that she didn't wanna be helped and drag on the work in that aisle; it is a quite easy one and she clearly wanted to stay there as long as possible instead of being sent off to do something worse once she had finished on that one.
I noticed she didn't bother moving the trolley where the cardboard goes out of the way to enable me get to the other side of the aisle easily. When I moved it slightly, she moved it back in the way.
I didn't say or do anything as I hate confrontations of any kind and I want to get on with everybody.
I then had something to put on the shelf very close to where she was standing (she was putting stuff on the shelf too). I didn't even touch her.

Anyway while I was minding my own business and filling the shelf there she turned to me and angrily said something like: "you say excuse me". Fair enough, but I was mortified as, like I said, it's not like I touched or knocked her. I made sure to stay out of the way and do everything as invisibly as possible as I had got the vibe already that I wasn't welcome to help there. I don't think I deserved to be treated like that. I guess she was annoyed and took it out on me but that's not on anyway.
After that I just left the aisle and started sorting out the rollers we had to work so I didn't have to be near her. I was then glad when I could go and work my delivery alone on my aisle. It really brought me down.

The other one happened the other day, when I went in to do overtime. It is something similar so I won't bother going into detail. The lady who had a go at me this time was more polite than the other one at least.

To answer the person who asked... I don't initiate conversations as I can't really. I just can't do it due to my extreme shyness. I wait to be spoken to but I am definitely a lot more talkative in my native language. Having to speak in English makes me not as chatty as I would be when I speak with someone I am familiar with already in my language. I understand this can make me come off as standoffish, but I see those people chatting with newcomers who keep silent to so I don't get it.
Of course if someone asks me something etc. I talk back. It's just that I don't go and approach people to initiate chats. I am not looking for close friends... I am a loner after all and like my own company.
I just meant people I can have some chit chat with and so on. I do concentrate on work but it would be nice sometimes to have the odd chat with people I am working with and have the feeling they are interested in knowing something more about me.

I have this idea that they wrongly assume I am Polish and so, like someone said, reserved and stuck up? My British partner does speak of Eastern European women he has seen in his workplace as stuck up.

I am starting to think I need a job where I don't have to be around people!

You write English awfully well for someone who speaks it as their second language.

Why not find a different job, using your English language skills?

Yes, I am sure English-speaking people have the idea that we Italians are all loud and tanned. I am very pale and super quiet but I am very Italian lol.
I remember when I had a brief exchange with a lady who's now gone and mentioned I was going back home for Christmas last year as I had booked some holidays.. she said: "Poland?". I said I was Italian and she didn't want to believe it.

I don't think that girl was expecting anything from me. She didn't say anything to me either to initiate anything. It was just smiles when we came across each other in the locker room etc. She is close with many other colleagues and I swear now she looks at me with this expression like she hates me. Even if it was how someone said, that wouldn't warrant dislike.
I did wish her well when she went on a maternity leave as she got pregnant and signed the card they got her along with many other people. Even if, like I said, I don't even speak to her or know her really.

Oh and one thing I do for everyone is keeping the swing door open if I see someone coming behind me. Many of them don't do this even if they can see I am coming right behind them. I think it's kind of rude but whatever. I do it regardless of who is behind me as I like being polite.

I do wait for them to interact with me but when I started I was the newcomer and many had been there for years already and they could see I was a foreigner even just from my name. It would have been nice for them to help me get integrated and feel welcome. They must know it's not easy for a foreigner to integrate.

@ managedmis

Thank you! I applied for many, many jobs of many kinds but with that sort of job where English is important they seem to prefer native speakers! Office jobs seem out of my league and I used to do insurance in my country and I am educated but that's all I could get. I have learned English all by myself really as you don't really get to learn it well at school.

I used to work nights in a supermarket and there was a couple of Polish female workers there too. I do think that they can appear to be stand-offish and rude at times and many people would have an automatic opinion of them from that.

I worked in 4 different supermarkets on nights and my opinion of your situation is that your colleagues might think you're too "posh" or "stuck up". At one of my jobs I got treated the same, I was just shy & the other women weren't friendly or welcoming AT ALL and so I either sat alone or with the blokes who treated my normally. I overheard the women saying one night "oh look at her always sitting with the men, why doesn't she sit over here?" Erm maybe coz you give me evil looks every time I walk near you!

All you can do is either speak to your supervisor about feeling bullied or leave. I'm sure you could get another job, even the same role, and people will be much nicer. Not everywhere is like that!

I'm inclined to agree with everything OliversMumsArmy says.
I'm not sure what you want us to say really.
You say you are extremely shy and reserved. Well, as I read on MN so very often there are people who don't want to make friends at work. If you don't chat, it is understandable people don't continue to make the effort.

At @managedmis says, your written English is excellent - why not look for other work where you might be able to use that, and possibly even your ability to speak Italian too.

I’m similar to you in that I’m very shy and rarely initiate chats with colleagues. I do however always try to make small talk 1 on 1. I find it much easier to chat to someone if it’s just us two and not in a group of a big crowd.

Can you start doing this? Just maybe simple questions like when did you start working here or do you live close by?

Honestly people are probably not being deliberately nasty and exclusive but probably just don’t even notice or care. As you are shy they may assume you want to be left alone. It is very difficult I know, but try and make small talk. Tell people you’re from Italy. I would personally find that interesting and want to know more.

I am not desperate about close friends or people to go out with. As I said, I am quite happy with my own company. I just don't like feeling completely ignored I guess and not part of the group.
It's not true that I don't chat. It's not like if someone asks me a question I just stand there and don't speak. I do answer and even venture to ask something back sometimes, despite the fact I am super shy. My problem is initiating things basically. In general I am better at listening than talking and talking but I am able to talk of course. Especially once I feel comfortable with the person.

I have to get taxis to and from work because of my working times and where I live and I do have nice chats with taxi drivers who make the effort to chat and ask me things; I have even met a taxi driver who is Romanian and speaks Italian with me as he lived in Italy before. We have long chats whilst he drives me home in Italian (I am not remotely interested in other guys as I am in a relationship and happy and he is married he told me and has a daughter).
I might be shy but I am not unable to carry a conversation when given the chance. I just need someone to give me a chance to open up.
I had the odd brief exchange at work with a couple of people but it either never happened again or the person then left and things didn't have the chance to develop further. I had the chance to tell someone I am Italian but they never seemed to want to know more.
And usually these people are old women. The people my age or younger (I am 33) don't seem interested in asking me a single thing.

I am not the type of girl who likes your typical girl stuff. I am not into clothes or shoes or make up. I don't go out and usually stay at home with my partner and we do things together. I have never been to a club in all my life either. I don't enjoy drinking and I don't think getting drunk is a particularly fun activity. That's the sort of person I am. I am sure I sound odd to many. I also know going out to drink is a big part of British culture (my partner does that with his coworkers occasionally) and it's not something I am interested in instead.
My interests are stuff like astronomy, literature, pharmacology, technology etc. I would be happy with just meaningless chit chat; just so I don't feel like I am an outcast. I don't need a close friend or someone who shares my hobbies.

I am also there just to make money so this hasn't really been a big issue but I guess what happened the other day with the lady who had a go at me just deepened my general depression and made me feel like I don't belong there. It's difficult to explain.

I worked in another supermarket on the night shift for 3 months before my current job and even there it was the same.

Another thing I wanted to clarify is that I am not the type who would be going out to pubs or the library to meet people. It's just not me and I am not desperate for friends that I would be changing my nature to try and meet people. I don't mean to sound arrogant. I just don't think I should change how I am. Unfortunately I am shy but if someone wants to know me they have to accept that's part of me.
The people I became friends with in my life were met either at school or at work. That's how I meet people personally... or online of course but online it's a completely different story as I am not shy.

I can't believe with 100 people around on the night shift there isn't one willing to approach me and interested in getting to know me a little.

As I said, I am quite happy with my own company. I just don't like feeling completely ignored

But by not speaking can’t you see you are ignoring other people.

@Oliversmumsarmy

It's not the same. I am only one vs 100 people lol. They are many more people and they don't ignore other taciturn people like me but go up to them just fine when they want.

I am not ignoring them anyway. I have a legit issue approaching people. I don't ignore them because I am a bitch who won't bother talking to them.
If you are a group of colleagues who have been in the job for years and you see a new girl from another country, do you you expect her to go and force herself in or do you think it should be the group that eases her in and makes her feel welcome? Seems common sense to me.

@Oliversmumsarmy

You're of the opinion that it is up to me to go and speak to them if they don't speak to me first (I can understand why you say that and it's normal to think that) but listen to my point of view and tell me what you think... not all people are extroverted and feel at ease going up to a stranger and starting a conversation. At my workplace, one of the biggest supermarkets of this chain in the country I was told, there are on average 100 people there during my shift among all departments who can see me there... is it that preposterous to assume at least one would be inclined to come up to me and approach me in over 3 years? They just seem to keep among themselves. I might exchange the odd word because of the task I am performing and then they pass by me on the way out and cannot even be bothered to acknowledge me with a smile or anything. As if they had never seen me before. That's what I am finding hard to accept and that I take as ignoring. More than once I hinted at a smile to be met with a blank expression and left to feel as a fool. You can't tell me I ignore them. Not when I even make sure to leave the door open behind me for these people.

@Oliversmumsarmy
Sorry for the 3rd post in a row but I cannot edit previous messages to add stuff that I wanna add...
Once I was in town and met a youngish colleague of mine. We work on the same nights and have even occasionally been put together in the same aisle.

I remember I was walking and I saw him standing outside a shop. I Passed by him and I was ready to smile and say hello and all that but he kept looking ahead completely blanking me so I didn't say anything. As if he hadn't even recognised me and it's not someone I have ever argued with or wronged. I can't force anyone to speak to me of course so I don't usually dwell on this stuff but I am just remembering and pointing this out to make you see I am certainly not out to ignore anyone and I try my best to be friendly despite the limitations caused by my shyness. It was just an example and I have many like that involving different people that I never treated bad or been rude to.

You are educated and your interests include astronomy and literature? Sorry to break the news but you are not going to make friends working in a supermarket!

There will be an element of culture clash going on too. That's why Polish people come across as stand offish. Try observing and learning how your colleagues interact and then copy. Use the words and phrases they use, the body language etc. But equally if you think they're a bunch of knobs don't bother.

And to answer your point about the group should welcome the new person in - well you would think so, but that almost never happens. Usually the group stay close and the new person is left on the outside. Most people aren't interested in making new friends or even in putting strangers at ease. Most people's social circles are "full", they don't want to add anyone new. It's definitely a British thing, I've worked abroad and it was not like that at all.

Can you find a job in an office - which you’d probably be overqualified for from your background. Most offices have more opportunities for more gentle, slower relationship building (lunch together, the brew round, if that fails take in biscuits!). I can imagine shift work at a supermarket, there are plenty of quieter people who don’t have any work friends.

I agree with Booberella9 - you don't fit in at the supermarket because you're so different from the others who work there. If you were more outgoing you'd maybe have been able to navigate around the culture clash but as you're shy you've been misunderstood and are seen as different and perhaps stuck up. It definitely isn't your fault and in another workplace such as an office (where I work for example) you'd probably be liked and respected. The woman who was wasting time and didn't want you to help was clearly a miserable person who is unhappy in life and doesn't care about others so wasn't bothered about being nice and polite to you. Since you don't have friends or allies in your workplace you don't have any "social capital" so people know there won't be any comeback from treating you badly. So basically you are around a group of people where you don't fit in, some of whom are the type to be unkind to others to make themselves feel better.
It definitely isn't your fault, it's just that this job isn't a good fit for you. Anyway I don't think you'll be happy spending the rest of your working life in a supermarket. Plus the longer you're there the worse it will look on your CV and the harder it will be to leave. It seems you should be able to get a better job if you keep looking. Maybe somewhere that does business internationally where your language skills would be appreciated? Don't give up. In a funny way it's a good thing you're not comfortable at your current job because that means you'll have the motivation to aim for something better!!!