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Original poster

Partner is no help... or am I selfish

27 replies

Jen2505 · 19/12/2019 22:15

My partner and I had our baby girl 6 months ago. The birth itself was very traumatic as my baby was stuck in my pelvis. My partner has never acknowledged how hard it was for me and only ever says how ‘he had to watch it’ and that I had pain relief, etc. After the birth he has been all but useless. It is 6 months in and he still doesn’t feel comfortable changing her clothes or settling her to bed. He goes out whenever he likes and says ‘ it is different for a woman, the man can do whatever he wants’. He often calls me selfish and says I need to grow up. Yet I am the one who is paying the majority of bills etc. I feel like having a child to him was a novelty... he just wants the fun times and not the hard. Or is he correct. Am I being selfish and need to grow up ? Any advice is appreciated!

OP posts:
AlphaLemon · 19/12/2019 22:22

You should have 50/50 responsibility for the baby. He has known the child as long as you have so has no excuse to be useless.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2019 22:23

I started reading your post and thought my husband was being the same - I've had a traumatic birth seven months ago and he just doesn't seem to get it. But he does help out with our son and they have a great bond. I'm afraid your partner sounds like a bit of a prick to me Angry

StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff · 19/12/2019 22:25

What part of your behaviour sounds selfish to you? Paying the bills? Parenting a child practically by yourself? Having a traumatic birth?

In the flip side, what about his behaviour? Going out when he wants? Not dressing his child? Trying to make a traumatic birth about him?

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AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2019 22:27

”it is different for a woman, the man can do whatever he wants”

Was he a sexist arsehole before you had a baby?

Why are you paying all the bills?

Would life not be a lot easier if you weren’t constantly disappointed by his utter uselessness, knew you could only rely on yourself and only had your own bills to pay?

YahooGmail · 19/12/2019 22:29

So you do all the childcare and pay all the bills? What does he do?

KellyHall · 19/12/2019 22:30

He's preparing you perfectly for being a single parent.

I wonder if he realises that's what you'll be if he doesn't get his selfish head out of his self-centred arse?!

Original poster
Jen2505 · 19/12/2019 22:32

@SamVimesFavouriteDragon Oh no! I hope your recovery has gone well! I wonder that myself sometimes!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jen2505 · 19/12/2019 22:34

@AnneLovesGilbert I had never seen that side of him. He’d make sexist remarks in jest.
He recently lost his job and only just found a temp placement so I have had to financially cover everything atm

OP posts:
Original poster
Jen2505 · 19/12/2019 22:34

@YahooGmail. Provide for his family... apparently!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jen2505 · 19/12/2019 22:37

@KellyHall he thinks he is perfect the way he is... I sometimes question why I don’t leave. Part of me still hopes it will change- I slowly am starting to think it’s just wishful thinking

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 19/12/2019 22:46

It doesn't sound like he is prepared to take on the responsibility for being a father.

You say you sometimes question why you don't leave - has this man got any good points? So far you've only mentioned bad ones.

He isn't treating you with any respect at the moment. Maybe your wishful thinking is exactly that.

Sorry you're in this position. It must be hard to have to deal with a man who is so unsupportive and who doesn't do his share.

It isn't good enough for him to tell you that as you had pain relief for the birth there was nothing for you to be upset about. That shows a startling lack of empathy.

You must be feeling really upset. I do not think you have anything with which to reproach yourself. He sounds selfish and unkind to me.

Flowers
TheMustressMhor · 19/12/2019 22:47

OP how does he provide for his family if you pay all the bills and look after the baby 100% of the time?

Original poster
Jen2505 · 19/12/2019 22:55

@TheMustressMhor I have thought that myself! The odd occasion he will make breakfast or dinner or do something nice.
It breaks my heart to think that I had such high hopes of how he was going to be considering how he was when I told him I was pregnant for it to turn out like this.
He recently lost his job but got a temp job for a few weeks so he thinks that him going to work is providing for his family. However, he has to borrow money for transport/food/cigarettes so any money he gives is always given back to him -plus extra. It’s just lucky I had a good job and managed to put some money past before!

OP posts:
KellyHall · 19/12/2019 22:59

You need to have a serious talk about your future and whether it involves being together. Do it now, before the resentment becomes toxic.
I recently gave my dh an ultimatum: be the husband and father this family deserves, or you can't live here any more. It seemed to be the kick up the arse he needed but I waited too long to do it (dd is nearly 3) and I had my whole new life planned, I knew I could do it and was really starting to look forward to it.
Sometimes staying together is not the best thing for all of you, sometimes people just don't appreciate what arseholes they are if their behaviour has no consequences.

SamVimesFavouriteDragon · 19/12/2019 23:25

@Jen2505 Thanks, I'm getting there but it's tough, isn't it? I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you if he's a rubbish as he sounds Sad just because he can be nice every once in a while, that doesn't mean he can treat you how he does the rest of the time. A friend of mine has just split with her partner for similar reasons and she seems much happier now. Obviously it's hard to tell from the outside, but it seems to me that the effort of maintaining the relationship with him was more than the effort of taking care of her DD alone

Gilead · 20/12/2019 00:57

My ex dh was like this. I had three children with him. He NEVER did a school run, a lunchbox, a wash load, a breakfast, a tea, a shop. I wasted over 20 years with a prick who was idle and made everything about him. Have a long hard think about things.

Cornishclio · 20/12/2019 01:10

He sounds worse than useless. Why do you put up with it?

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/12/2019 01:15

My ExDP was the same. He left after 3 months of just about matching my financial contribution and being totally shit in all practical ways.

Sorry my post isn't more hopeful to you OP.

SarahAndQuack · 20/12/2019 01:16

He is an absolute arsehold.

My partner had a very traumatic birth. The baby was stuck, and both of them were in danger. They had a crash section, and because I am a woman, no one in the operating theatre realised I was her partner, so I saw all of it with no screen, and then I was prevented from picking up my newborn baby and talking to my partner. I know about trauma for partners.

And none of that made me feel in the slightest way inclined to excuse myself being a lazy shite.

That is not a normal response he's having.

If he's traumatised, he should seek support and help. I know there isn't enough of it. But, he should also be considering you - the person who actually experienced this traumatic birth! - and considering his child, who needs his care.

If you are paying most of the bills, frankly, I would suggest you cut off his spending money. Why should you put money into his account for him to have fun with?

TheMustressMhor · 20/12/2019 15:43

So he is "providing for his family" by borrowing money from you for cigarettes?

Don't you mind him smoking around the baby?

I agree with PP that you should stop giving him money to spend on himself, unless it is for essentials.

TheMustressMhor · 20/12/2019 15:45

Are you planning to go back to work, OP?

TheMustressMhor · 20/12/2019 16:03

Are you able to talk to him about money?

Original poster
Jen2505 · 21/12/2019 03:39

@TheMustressMhor He is never to smoke around our child! I make sure of that. He asks for money to get to and from work as he doesn’t drive! on the premise that I will get it back - I tell him not to spend on unnecessary items. Any time I talk about money I get the response of ‘ I KNOW, STOP GOING ON or ALL YOU DO IS MOAN’

Yes I am planning on going back to work - I had only gotten a degree and started a good job with lots of potential 2 years prior

OP posts:
KellyHall · 21/12/2019 07:06

Have you sat down and had a proper, honest talk yet?
You can't come up with solutions to saving your relationship by yourself, being a family takes team work. Anyone not working at it, is showing through their actions (or lack thereof) that they don't want to be a part of your family.

Weenurse · 21/12/2019 07:11

Does he even realise what is involved in caring for a baby?

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