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Original poster

If you met your DH/DP in your thirties, did you worry about really 'knowing' them?

50 replies

RachelAtHerBirthdayParty · 19/12/2019 16:57

I met my ex at uni, and we were together for 9 years until two years ago, when he walked out. It was fairly grim. Anyway, I'm 31 now and beginning to think about dating again.

Something which is worrying me is that I feel everything has to move very fast. I really want to have children so I know I do have to get cracking. But how soon can you get to know someone enough to be married to them, or have children with them? Is it true that you know? I thought that I knew my ex but I obviously didn't.

OP posts:
iklboodolphrednosedreindeer · 19/12/2019 17:05

Me & DH:

Met in 1999 - I was 30, he was 22. Friends for a while
2000 - FWB
2001 - get together properly
2002 - he moved in
2003 - get engaged
2004 - get married
2005 - DS born 53 weeks after the wedding. I was 36, DH 28.

There's plenty of time for you Wink

flyingchip · 19/12/2019 17:11

I think you will find you cut through the rubbish a lot quicker when you're dating now, and have more serious conversations up front etc, so the dating period speeds up somewhat and you get to know someone more quickly.

MsMellivora · 19/12/2019 17:14

Were friends and work colleagues for two years before we dated, I was 30 and he was 28 when we met.
Engaged three months after we started dating
Married within two years
First dc born just before our two year wedding anniversary.

There are couples that never know each other, we are both honest to the point of brutality on occasion, it does however suit both of us. Honesty however uncomfortable is needed as is communication.

Interested in this thread?

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Dating General relationships
Original poster
RachelAtHerBirthdayParty · 19/12/2019 17:47

Thanks. It seems so hard Confused

OP posts:
WatchingTheMoon · 19/12/2019 17:52

I agree with @flyingchip , there's less bullshit in your 30s and you're quicker to get rid of the idiots. I was anyway.

I was also perfectly happy to be single, which made it easier, as I wasn't willing to put up with any crap.

Applesandpears23 · 19/12/2019 17:56

Second time round you look more carefully. Meeting family and friends helps. Also the way he talks about his exes. Pay attention to your gut.

MrsScrubbithatescleaning · 19/12/2019 18:04

I met DH when I was 36 and he was 48. Wasn't looking at all as had messy split from ex at 34 and sworn off men but DH was kind and good company.
We had one DC at 44 (unplanned).
Still happy 18 years later. Smile

ShirleyPhallus · 19/12/2019 18:06

I got engaged to my DP and pregnant within 18 months having met in our mid 30s

It was great, we knew exactly what we wanted and were completely comfortable in our skin. We had basically accelerated through all the uncertainty and awkward growing up that you do in your mid 20s

Don’t regret it at all

hopeishere · 19/12/2019 18:11

I met DH when I was 33 and he was 40. I did feel a bit sad that we didn't have the shared history my sister had with her DH as they met at 20.

DH knows the "big" parts of my life but there's loads he doesn't know about "me".

Original poster
RachelAtHerBirthdayParty · 19/12/2019 18:17

I did feel a bit sad that we didn't have the shared history my sister had with her DH as they met at 20.

Oh gosh it's this. This is what I couldn't articulate. Thank you.

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 19/12/2019 18:17

I met dp at 18. He was a dick. We worked together and I avoided him

Anyway, after my marriage ended, when I was 34, my best friend said her brother was moving back to the area. We met fell in love and are together 4 years later. About 6 months in we realised we worked together. Lo and behold.....he was the dickhead I used to work with. He is like totally different person. He even admits he was a dick until his mid twenties and then he grew up.

I am glad I didnt bother to get to know him when he was younger.

Ohffs66 · 19/12/2019 18:19

Met DH at 37. Engaged 8 weeks after we met, married 12 weeks after that. Still happily married 10 years later! We did have some issues in the early years where we realised we hardly knew each other but we got through it and made it work. We both knew we wanted the same things after a few dates which I'm not sure you get at younger ages as lots of people don't always want to settle down or make a commitment.

Original poster
RachelAtHerBirthdayParty · 19/12/2019 18:24

8 weeks seems very fast! Wow.

We both knew we wanted the same things after a few dates

Did you go on dates thinking 'I want a husband'? Is there a middle ground? Have I got time for a middle ground?

OP posts:
puds11 · 19/12/2019 18:25

Met DH at 29. Married and baby at 31. I don’t care he wasn’t there for my past, my past was shit. I feel like I’ve always known him so it’s irrelevant to me.

puds11 · 19/12/2019 18:26

@RachelAtHerBirthdayParty we were also very upfront about what we wanted and that neither of us was interested in messing about.

IamPickleRick · 19/12/2019 18:34

I “knew” my DH immediately. We live in a town where there is a rich side and a poor side. You just know straight away who grew up where, from the way they talk, the jokes they make, references about people and areas etc. We had mutual friends as well but didn’t know we did so the ground work for us was done, he was like an old mate from the park or the youth club.

I was pregnant within 9 months. I was 30.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/12/2019 18:43

Did you go on dates thinking 'I want a husband'? Is there a middle ground? Have I got time for a middle ground?

I was terrified to ask my BF in my 20s what he thought of marriage and children. Honestly felt like we couldn’t talk about it. On my second date with my now fiancé, I asked him where he stood on it and he said he wanted it too.

I’d also asked the few casual relationships before that about it, I didn’t even see that they could turn in to something more if we fundamentally disagreed on what we wanted from the off

malfoylovespotter · 19/12/2019 18:52

I expect you thought you knew you ex really well yet he walked out. Must've been a shit time.

Knowing someone for longer doesn't mean anything really, you can never know someone totally.

I met DH at 33, he was 29. We got married three years later and had our DS a year after that. Plenty of time and I know whim very well now obviously.

Just check the basics- does he want kids? Is he a Tory? etc

CoffeeAndCarbs · 19/12/2019 19:01

DH and I met 2015 (1 month before we both turned 31)

Engaged 2017

Married 2018

Currently 14+2 pregnant with our first baby (we both just turned 35)

As PP says, you don't mess around as much when dating in your 30s, important topics are discussed early on and you know quickly whether they are the right person for you or not x

Ohffs66 · 19/12/2019 19:09

Did you go on dates thinking 'I want a husband'? Is there a middle ground? Have I got time for a middle ground?

Not so much "I want a husband" more that I wanted someone who in theory was also looking for a serious relationship (albeit that might not be with me!). We met OLD and I'd been messed about so much I started being quite upfront that I wanted to get into a relationship and settle down, if that wasn't what he wanted ultimately too then I wouldn't have been interested. Obviously I didn't put that all on him on the first date!

Original poster
RachelAtHerBirthdayParty · 19/12/2019 19:16

Thanks all. I think I'm just going to have to give OLD a go, for better or for worse Confused

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 19/12/2019 19:17

I met DH in my late thirties.

He might not have been present for most of my life, but he knows me a lot better than any of my exes ever did.

Megan2018 · 19/12/2019 19:24

I was 35, he was 39 - met online.
We moved into a rented house together after 6 weeks, got engaged after 4 months and married a year later.
Our DD is 13 weeks old (we are now 41 and 46).
We did move fast but kept our own houses for 2 years before we bought together and we didn’t rush the baby as up to that point we could have backed out if things didn't stay good. We had nothing to lose and everything to gain though so decided to risk it.
It’s 7 years since we met in Jan and we’ve been married roughly 5.5 years now. Very happy but it’s not always been easy and has required some effort at times!

JingleJingleHoHoHo · 19/12/2019 20:00

The difference is at 30-something you know what you want. You know what you are willing to compromise on. And what's important.

Also. Talking future. Do you want xyz. Isn't as scary to a man who's 30+. It's just realistic.

BoomBoomBoomLetMeHearYouSay · 19/12/2019 20:07

I was with my ex for 12 years before a v messy split. Turns out I didn’t know him at all!

I guess with DH there’s less shared history, mutual friends etc but the point is we have made a life together. We are making memories now cheesy as it sounds.

With my ex latterly we really didn’t have much in common anymore. We’d been at school together but what does that really count for.