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Original poster

If you met your DH/DP in your thirties, did you worry about really 'knowing' them?

50 replies

RachelAtHerBirthdayParty · 19/12/2019 16:57

I met my ex at uni, and we were together for 9 years until two years ago, when he walked out. It was fairly grim. Anyway, I'm 31 now and beginning to think about dating again.

Something which is worrying me is that I feel everything has to move very fast. I really want to have children so I know I do have to get cracking. But how soon can you get to know someone enough to be married to them, or have children with them? Is it true that you know? I thought that I knew my ex but I obviously didn't.

OP posts:

supercee · 19/12/2019 20:10

I love threads like these. I'm nearly 38 and nowhere near even getting a date and have all but written myself off. Let's a glimmer of hope back in.

Original poster

RachelAtHerBirthdayParty · 19/12/2019 20:11

You all have reassured me. Thank you for sharing.

Now just to find someone...

OP posts:

moglovesmincepies · 19/12/2019 20:16

Met Dh at 30 after 3 years divorced
Engaged, living together and pregnant within 12 months. Married 2 years after.
He drives me potty but we know each other backwards and I wouldn't be without him.
That was 10 years ago now and we're better every day.
He knows the real me. I don't have to pretend to be anything anymore.
Much easier than first marriage.

Interested in this thread?

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Dating General relationships

Teddyreddy · 19/12/2019 20:23

I got together with now DH before turning 30. 9 years and 3 children on it really doesn't feel relevant that he didn't know me in my 20s - my life has changed so much since then it almost feels like those years happened to a different person.

Oblomov19 · 19/12/2019 20:31

No. You've not missed anything but missing the 20's. I met Dh late 20's. You just cut the bullshit, in terms of dating!

WhoTheFuckIsGail · 19/12/2019 20:57

This is interesting to read as I have wondered if DP and I have rushed things as we talked about a future together very early on. But we are older too and know what we want from a relationship so I guess it doesn't actually matter.

Out of interest, all those that moved in quickly etc, did anyone already have children?

LL83 · 19/12/2019 20:59

With dh since 20, knew him since high school its great. I love out shared history and we grew up together. Down side is often I worry we are growing apart, and often we revert to bickering more easily than I believe proper grown up couples do! Luckily so far we always end up in sync again.

You and your partner will meet as adults, knowing who you are and hopefully comfortable with who you are and know what you expect from a partner. So there are positives too.

toasterstrudle · 19/12/2019 21:00

2015 met DH
2016 bought a house, got pregnant (mutually discussed and planned) and engaged
2017 married, had dc1
2019 dc2

Full on, but had lots of discussions early on about our respective plans for future and have had some hard times along the way but wouldnt change it for the world.

RunningKatie · 19/12/2019 21:15

Met DH at 34, dc1 at 36, dc2 at 37.
Been married 8 years now.

I wish we'd travelled and done all that beforehand, and weren't older parents (he's a few years older than me!). However, when we met we knew what we wanted and there was no messing about.

Councilworker · 19/12/2019 21:27

Met my now DH September 2009 and had a few dates. Started seeing each other properly in Jan 2010. Had first baby in 2013 at age 33. Now about to turn 40, married for 5 years and had our second baby in 2018. We knew within months that we wanted kids together

firstimemamma · 19/12/2019 21:27

I met my fiancé through OLD and we have a beautiful ds. He was the second person I'd met online. You never know what the future holds

Ginger1982 · 19/12/2019 21:30

Met DH online in 2012, married 2014, DS 2017. I have a few friends married to their 'childhood sweethearts' and while a bit of me would have liked that for myself, it just obviously wasn't meant to be!

BobbinThreadbare123 · 19/12/2019 22:15

I was with XH from late teens to around 30. Divorce and some online dating later, I met DH. He's a few years older than me. We both knew what we were looking for, so no faff or bullshit. Married within 18 months of meeting, at 33 and 39. I did wonder if it was all over when XH buggered off, but it really isn't. Had to sift out a few dickheads though!

1300cakes · 20/12/2019 02:58

I think there's a certain amount you can know someone, and after that it's just more of the same. Like you know someone better after 4 years than 1, but I don't think you know someone better after 10 years than after 5.

OP your experience shows that it's not necessarily the more the better when it comes to length of relationship.

I met DH when I was 33 and he was 40. I did feel a bit sad that we didn't have the shared history my sister had with her DH as they met at 20.

Yes, this is a thing. But it goes the other way too. If you meet your partner later, you have both had more seperate experiences - bringing more variety to life and more to talk about.

WatchingTheMoon · 20/12/2019 05:32

"I met DH when I was 33 and he was 40. I did feel a bit sad that we didn't have the shared history my sister had with her DH as they met at 20."

People change though, especially when they're very young. I'm a totally different person at nearly 40 than the person I was at 20. And often, the relationship doesn't change to reflect that, which causes its own problem.

PottersonDayz · 20/12/2019 05:44

I met my DH when I was 37 and he was 39, we married just less than 2 years later this September.

When we met it was just like a click and everything fell into place, it was as if we had been together for years.

I often wish we met when we were younger but then we might not have had the relationship we had today as I believe life shapes us into the people we are. Together we have been through one of the toughest times of our life with the loss of our baby earlier this year and medical complications where my DH thought he'd lost me but we have come out of it with a much stronger relationship.

Ohyesiam · 20/12/2019 06:01

I did feel a bit sad that we didn't have the shared history my sister had with her DH as they met at 20.

Met dh at 36 and ^ has never occurred to me.
Don’t you have gut feelings about people op? It was obvious when I met dh that he was the one for me.

AlexandraPeppernose · 20/12/2019 06:27

I was mid 30s when I met my husband. I'd already had my kids. We discussed whether he wanted children on the 2nd date, our politics on the 3rd. Because we were older we got the important stuff early on as if that was incompatible there is no point going forward.

KatyN · 20/12/2019 07:00

I met my husband at 29. We were both twats in our 20s so I’m glad I didn’t meet him then as we would NOT have got on.

Hippywannabe · 20/12/2019 07:34

I was 43 and DH 47 when we met. Both divorced, me a 5 year marriage, 3 kids and mainly alone for about 15 years, him, divorced after a 24 year marriage (27 years with the same girl).
He moved in with me after 14 weeks (weekends really as he lived 200 miles away although we did manage 2 one week stays).
We both had almost whole lives before we met with oodles of memories.

Part of why we work is we put those previous lives away and moved only forward. I could tie myself in knots wondering about his life before me with a 27 year relationship or wondering about him always having done things before but with someone else. I can honestly say I know very little about his former life as it has no impact or relevance to ours. This was probably easier as he moved to be with me.
In my convoluted way, I am saying that you have so much time that you can make your memories in. We have crammed so many into the 12 years we have been married.

zaffa · 20/12/2019 08:05

A truly obnoxious woman once told me that couples who meet in their twenties struggle to last to their 30s as you grow so much during that period. She told me that as I sat next to my then fiancé who I met when I was 21.

This morning, I'm lying in bed with my 2 and a half week old newborn scrabbling around on my chest and my sleep deprived husband in the bath - the man I met at 34 because that obnoxious woman was right (about us at least). He's ended up one of my close friends and even my DH is friendly with him. My DH is the love of my life, I can't even articulate my love for him but it's nothing like what I felt with my ex. I don't think I would know what I wanted at 22, I wasn't this person and the failing of that relationship and of DHs first marriage taught both of us what we wanted and what we wouldn't accept.

I'm happier than I've ever been. My second chance is the best thing that ever happened to me.

LBOCS2 · 20/12/2019 10:00

Out of interest, all those that moved in quickly etc, did anyone already have children?

My now DH did (does!). It was part of the conversation we had - I wanted to know if he was 'done' as having a family was important to me. We were married 51 weeks after our first date.

It also reassured me - he was and is an incredibly committed parent, even with his ex moving a long way away, he's never shirked his responsibilities and will move heaven and earth to see DSS. It told me a lot about him.

Megan2018 · 20/12/2019 10:08

@WhoTheFuckIsGail

No existing children on either side for us, I’d certainly have taken a different view if we had. I was happy to take a flier as it was just us

Mumdiva99 · 20/12/2019 10:12

I've had a few old bfs. Engaged and living with one etc. When my husband and I got together I knew it was serious or nothing. (we had known each other as colleagues and friends a while first). Within a year we were TTC. Within 2 had our first child. We just knew. It doesn't mean it's all been perfect but actually I don't think we would have been compatible any younger.

Doilooklikeatourist · 20/12/2019 10:12

I was 33 , he 31
Met in October
Engaged by Christmas
Married following June
First baby born in the spring
Just celebrated our silver wedding anniversary
No point hanging around 👍

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