How to be someone that others like to be around

[Itainteasybeingcheesy]

NC for this and I don’t really know how to articulate what I’m asking.

I’m a pretty quiet person and very self conscious about my appearance, always have been. I tend to go into new situations or big social events thinking I am not quite good enough to be there and that I’m unattractive.

Not surprisingly if that’s how I feel inside, I’ve noticed that I just don’t really attract people into my company. If I talk to people I don’t know well, it often fails to flow and they don’t seem to really enjoy being around me. Meanwhile I notice others chatting easily and apparently having fun. My office party last week was a prime example. I had one conversation where it was almost comical how un-into talking to me the person was yet he was merrily talking to others a moment before.

I guess I’d like to know how to generate some kind of charisma. I know you don’t have to be good looking to be charismatic but somehow I constantly let my lack of good looks be the excuse. Is there a good book I can read that might help with faking it? I just feel a bit like a fun-repeller all the time.

I read that book. Im not sure I wasnt doing all of that anyway!

There is a book / you tube clip by olivia somebody that i will link. I must watch it again.

Talk about the other person, ask them questions. Honestly, no topic is more interesting than the topic of yourself. People love talking about themselves

I relate to this. I think part of the problem is being super self-conscious and over-analysing how you come across to others and how they are with you. It can come across to others are either weird and needy or rude and stand-offish.

I'm not sure what the answer is as I've struggled with this my whole life. I've become self-conscious about being self-conscious! I've realised the people who always seem to have loads of conversations are almost always talking about really inconsequential things like how drunk they are or sport-related stuff.

Sometimes you bump into someone you can really click with, but it's pretty rare for some people. I tend to ask a lot of questions to get a conversation going, but it's rare that someone will ask me loads of questions in return. People are pretty self-absorbed.

Vanessa Van Edwards, olivia fox cabane are two female Charisma writers that I have listened to. I specifically wanted to hear what women have to say because I think, watching clips on youtube, what is perceived to be charisma from Will Smith wouldn't be perceived in quite the same way from a woman. Unfair. But true I think.

I reading a book by Viv Gloskop (?) as well atm as she takes 10 women and details why / how they could ''own a room''.

I devoted a lot of time to this about a year ago (funnily enough, when somebody at work was trying to manipulate the dynamics around me/her to exclude me. I didn't care that she didn't like me, my ego can withstand one person not liking me! But I felt I needed to fight back.......... so to speak.

That woman left work and I stopped my ''research''! I agree that not being self-conscious about how you come across is part of natural likeability.

I have another book in my pile, maybe I'll get time to read it over xmas, it's called ''the likeability switch''.

If someone isn''t interested in you, no amount of you asking about them is going to change that.

I think being able to talk to people easily is an art form! I have one friend who is amazing at it, I watch her any time we are in the same event because she really makes it look effortless. But she's spent 20 years being thrown into rooms and situations where she knows very few people, and having to start from scratch. I guess practice really does make perfect!

Thank you all, I think it’s definitely true that for some, practice makes perfect. @AnFiadhRuaRua your suggestion of Vanessa van Edwards is really helpful, I’ve watched a few of her clips and she’s making a lot of sense! I’ll look at Olivia Fox Cabane too. I’ve also bought How to win friends etc, thanks @SonEtLumiere.

Maybe this’ll be my resolution to work on for 2020. It feels daft still being anxious about talking to other people, at the age of 47.

Viv gloskrop (sp) podcast 'how to own the room' is great if you don't want to buy the book. I found going to cinema or doing something interesting the day of a social event helps as I throw it into conversation and it gives things a good start.

I need help too! When I’m with others e.g at work people always speak to the other person that I work with! I wonder what signals I’m giving off😕

I'm not very good chatting at parties but I find it much easier if I'm doing something such as book club, sewing club or even at work. I think activity takes the pressure off.

Mirroring - Google it. If you want people to think you like them or want them to like you then you mirror their actions. They have their arms crossed, you cross yours, they hold their wine glass a certain way, so do you. It sounds silly but I employ it in work situations and it totally works.

I also have a mental list of stuff I can talk about, memorise children's names, hobbies etc. That helps. People are always impressed if you remember details, people don't usually.

You can also act confident, think about how you walk, how you stand, cultivate an "it's nice if you talk to me but I don't need you to air". If you act confident people assume you are.

Can you tell this stuff doesn't come naturally to me 😁 If I told that to my colleagues they wouldn't believe me...lots of practice.

this is something you can learn.

I'm naturally quite a shy and awkward person but I work in sales. I've had to learn the art of small talk and quick rapport-building.

As PP have mentioned the key is talking about the other person. Ask them questions and when you hit on "their" subject keep them talking about it. Before you know it they'll have talked about themselves nonstop for 10 minutes, but they'll come out of the conversation feeling like you're an interesting and insightful person.

End the conversation before they do, so they don't get a chance to feel stuck or bored.

Get good at banter - quick, lighthearted responses that keep the conversation flowing.

You can practice banter with shop staff, waiters, etc. Many like a good chat and it's a low pressure situation which you are in control of. If it falls flat you can leave (and never go back!)

I agree with the PP who said that charisma is different for men and women. Techniques that work for men don't necessarily work for women but most of the advice out there is from a male perspective

Don't change for other people. Be you and if they don't like it, so what. You can do a song and dance to make them like you but if it's not the real you, what's the point?

I find asking the other person questions and taking interest is the easiest way of people liking you. As others mention, a persons favourite topic is themselves.
I also find that behaving like you’ve almost known them before and bringing them into the conversation seamlessly as though you have met them, keeping it cool and casual, makes them more at ease with you. Instead of awkward introductions just chatting about the easiest topic (weather, occasion, location, Christmas)... they will feel the warmth from you.
Also, remembering that you matter too, what you say counts, and you deserve to be heard and having confidence in that will help you. Cause you do matter. Hold your head up high OP, you got this.

Smile. Act interested in them - conversation only flows if you create platforms, so when they say something about say house renovations, their history, their family, you ask them about that for a while and then hopefully they should ask you about your life.

Pretend to be confident, smile with your eyes.

I guess it's easy to say when it comes naturally but that's all I can advise tbh

Smile, smile some more, compliment and ask questions!

People love talking about themselves!

Just go up to someone "Oh my word I love your shoes/scarf/earrings where did you get them?" If you can chuck a compliment in there too "Love the scarf l, it really brings the colour out in your eyes"

It may sound corny but it works. Every. Single. Time.

A pp have said, finding non work related context to practice in eg an activity focused club might help. Everyone’s a bit awkward and not quite themselves at work so it’s more difficult to have real conversations.

I'm noting all these recommendations, any others?

I’m very confident and chatty as an adult, to the extent that I actively enjoy walking into a room full of strangers and striking up conversations. Having been a painfully, excruciatingly self-conscious and awkward child and teen, I promise it can be learned!

1. SMILE, BREATHE, RELAX - approach people with the mentality that they are ok, and you are ok, and that this is going to be a pleasant interaction.
2. Ask lots of questions and, if you’re asked a question, make sure you give a nice open answer (rather than yes or no). If you’re stuck for something to ask about ‘so, how do you know [host]?/how long have you worked with [company?] are safe bets. A (non-creepy) compliment is also always good - ‘oh I love your skirt, where’s it from?’ Etc
3. it’s ok to acknowledge and own that you feel awkward! No nice person is going to mind if you lose your train of thought and say ‘sorry, I always get a bit nervous meeting new people - I’m actually a bit shy, I hope I’m not coming across as unfriendly!’
4. Occasionally you will encounter someone who is rude or unfriendly - the problem is them, not you. Say you need another drink or whatever and get the hell out of there

Most importantly, try and enjoy the interaction - don’t overthink it!

Essentially, always approach people with the mindset that you are a likeable, fun person to talk to - if they don’t like you, that’s their losses

What if you’re not a likeable, fun person though? I try to be friendly to all but I’m the maaaah person.

I have always been able to talk to anyone . Age, alleged status etc mean nothing. It’s all about contact with other humans.

I ask questions, if someone mentions something I have an amazing recall memory so I can join in with an anecdote or ask a further question relevant to the subject their talking about.

There is the vibe we all give off though. I’m not sure that can be taught as such. I pick them up keenly from others. If you give off a nervous vibe it can be quite negative. I think working on why your so self conscious t your appearance would be the most helpful thing to do.

A tip I saw on some youtube clip that I have remembered to implement is that if somebody says something ''dodgy'' that can be taken two ways, only ever HEAR the good part.

I was never sensitive to this type of stuff, usually only realising 72 hours later that a comment could be interpreted in a negative way, but in the past my typical reaction would have been to joke along that I was offended. 'Don't do that!

I can't think of any examples now, except true story if somebody says ''the good thing about having had *so^ many failed relationships is that you've learnt a lot'' don't laugh along and say ''oy what are you trying to imply'', say ''thank you, yes, i have learnt a lot and I value that!''. It sounds like the less humorous of the two responses but it forms a connection and 'sits' more comfortably between you. I think it is one of those situations where an off the cuff witty response is not the feel good response (for either, even if they WERE a bit rude!)

I know in the past I definitely would have gone down the path of the fake offended jokey witty remark. I hope this makes sense.

I wish I could think of more examples. I cannot even recall the example that was given in the clip.

And I think it was my ''auto pilot'' response to always give the most humorous response and humour is good but occasionally it is going to be the distancing response that stands in the way of a connection.