How to be someone that others like to be around

[Itainteasybeingcheesy]

NC for this and I don’t really know how to articulate what I’m asking.

I’m a pretty quiet person and very self conscious about my appearance, always have been. I tend to go into new situations or big social events thinking I am not quite good enough to be there and that I’m unattractive.

Not surprisingly if that’s how I feel inside, I’ve noticed that I just don’t really attract people into my company. If I talk to people I don’t know well, it often fails to flow and they don’t seem to really enjoy being around me. Meanwhile I notice others chatting easily and apparently having fun. My office party last week was a prime example. I had one conversation where it was almost comical how un-into talking to me the person was yet he was merrily talking to others a moment before.

I guess I’d like to know how to generate some kind of charisma. I know you don’t have to be good looking to be charismatic but somehow I constantly let my lack of good looks be the excuse. Is there a good book I can read that might help with faking it? I just feel a bit like a fun-repeller all the time.

Don't act like you are interested in people. Actually BE interested. Worry less about yourself and genuinely engage with others. This will come across in your body language, voice, smile, etc.
People who are genuinely curious about others and allow themselves to be vulnerable by letting go of their ego are always popular, no matter how they look, whether they are shy or outgoing.

Thinking about the women i know who are popular with other women. None of them are good looking. (Not saying you can't be popular and good looking obviously, I'm saying it's not a requirement) They are very tactful, so don't make others feel crap, they can laugh at themselves, they don't boast about how wonderful they are. They might be funny/entertainment but not always. Those are the women i know and people i know who are tactless, can laugh at others but not themselves and boast about themselves or their kids are less liked.

Smile, be cheerful, be happy and relaxed. Enthusiastic without being manic.

People want to be with the person who is cheerful and positive.

Obviously this is all easier said than done, but there is a real charm in a person who is enjoying themselves, enjoying the situation, enjoying your company.

There is a difference between popular and liked. Often the popular people control who is included/excluded and they have power but they're not actually liked that much by that many.

How to Make Friends.... is a life-changing book. Definitely a great place to start.

And I'd add - be lighthearted! Keep things fun. If you spot a chance to make a lighthearted joke or a funny comment during small talk, grab it!

At parties, people want light, fun, upbeat conversations. Nothing heavy. At parties, be Channel 4 rather than Radio 4.

I haven't read the replies, perhaps I should but I'm responding to your post.

You have connected to some people. You said about people you know. So at some point you CONNECTED!! Maybe your calling is more deep seated. You don't need to connect with everyone you meet, just the energy around you. Open your heart, you will find your tribe. 💜

The dictionary definition of popular is "liked or admired by many people or by a particular person or group" That's how i was using it

Pizza, you might just as well be describing Beverly Moss, and we know how grim that was.

"What if you’re not a likeable, fun person though? I try to be friendly to all but I’m the maaaah person."

But this is where the 'don't just act interested. Be interested' advice comes in. Stop thinking about whether you're likeable etc and focus on them. I find charm and charisma beams off people who have set their own preoccupations aside and made their main purpose making sure that other people are at ease. So instead of worrying that you're ugly, unpopular, whatever, imagine that's what other people are worrying about and go out of your way to make them feel attractive, interesting etc. Just that mindset shift from obsessing about your own insecurities to focusing on others is a big step. And again it's better to frame this not as a strategy to be liked, as that puts the emphasis back on your worries, but on making the event more fun or even making the world a better place by listening, caring and giving off the good vibes. People may seem like they're all having fun when you're in that worried place, but everyone has their insecurities and will appreciate the individual attention.

Sounds like social anxiety - you get worried about how you are responding and so become focused on you not them which perpetuates the whole thing. I recommend the ‘overcoming social anxiety and shyness’ book

Again, thanks for all these thoughts. I think everyone has raised good ideas here, and the ones that particularly resonate for me are about trying not to think about my unease but focus on having a good time/help others feel at ease, being a little lighter in tone (channel 4, not radio 4!) and of course accepting that sometimes it’s not you, it’s them.

I suspect I often have a bit of a flat tone to my voice, born out of being unconfident, and that can come over a bit ‘closed’ when I answer a question (even if it’s not a closed answer per se). Perhaps if I can sound a bit more ‘up’ at the end of a sentence it will help. (I need to come up with a better reply when people ask me what I do - I never really know how to reply when it’s someone outside my field!)

All the comments about people loving to talk about themselves are interesting- I hate talking about myself as a monologue, don’t lots of us? Would much rather have a two-way conversation about something. But maybe I should learn to love it, is that part of the problem with how I might be coming across?!