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Original poster

Sick children and newborn

35 replies

RigidBoard · 19/12/2019 08:07

I'm just after a consensus here and I'm not trying to provoke any negativity I'm genuinely interested in people's opinions from different perspectives of parents and step parents.

I have a newborn baby and my partner's children were over this weekend. We were due to go to his parents. When the children were dropped off their mother said one of them was feeling unwell. I decided to stay home with the baby to protect them from illness. My partner thinks I was wrong to do this (although did not say at the time) as if they lived with us full time I would have to deal with it anyway. His child is still unwell now and off school.

So whoever you would be in this scenario what would you do?

Would you send your child to your ex who has a newborn knowing they are unwell?

In my position would you have gone to the family?

If you aren't a step family would you try protect your newborn from your unwell older children?

I feel awful that I have caused upset (which I have) thinking I was doing the right and sensible thing.

OP posts:

MrsPatrickDempsey · 19/12/2019 08:11

It's a difficult one. I need more definition on 'unwell'. Whilst you can go out of your way to protect babies to a small degree, it's impossible to keep them in a bubble. I understand your feelings though.

Namechanger23455 · 19/12/2019 08:13

I agree with your partner, if they lived with you full time you’d just have to deal with it.
It’s their home too.
My DS aged four got a cold when my DD was born, she was 10 days old when she got her first cold 🙈 she picks up all sorts of bugs that he brings home but that’s just the way it is. She’s four months now and has had about 3/4 colds l- including one now.

I can’t keep her sheltered and wrapped up away from everyone.

The only things I’d be mindful with are norovirus and chickenpox with someone so new. If my DS had those when she was born I would have tried v v hard in the house to keep them further aprt

MiniGuinness · 19/12/2019 08:15

But what would you do if the children lived with you full time? And if it was my children’s father’s weekend, yes of course I would drop them off, why wouldn’t I?

Interested in this thread?

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Families

PotteringAlong · 19/12/2019 08:20

Yes, you should have gone.

You say if you were not a step family would you try and protect the newborn; but how? Moving out? Not seeing your older children? Neither of those things are possible! They’re your kids, you just need to get on with it.

Original poster

RigidBoard · 19/12/2019 08:21

I personally would try and keep the children separate but I'm a first time mum so perhaps I'm out of order thinking that way. I'm just trying to protect my baby. Unwell is sickness and high temperature. As sickness bugs are rife in the schools atm I didn't want to risk it. I was wrong.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 19/12/2019 08:24

Would you send your child to your ex who has a newborn knowing they are unwell?

Yes, of course. Older children who are already likely to be a little unsettled by their parent starting a new family should not be excluded for being ill. They can’t help they they’ve got sick, and it’s ver important at this time to make sure they are still welcomed and included fully.

In my position would you have gone to the family?

Depends on the illness. But just for a cold with an otherwise healthy newborn, yes I’d still go, and just be mindful of hygiene. I’d think that if the older child was well enough to be out doing family visits then they weren’t really that ill.

If you aren't a step family would you try protect your newborn from your unwell older children?

Again, only with good hygiene. There isn’t much else you can do.

TillyTheTiger · 19/12/2019 08:25

Going against the grain but I don't think you were wrong. Yes there are times when it's inevitable that your newborn will be exposed to illness, mine had a cold within four days because she has a brother at preschool, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to protect them where you can!

christma5 · 19/12/2019 08:26

I have a newborn and older children. I would have gone to family but I would and do try to protect baby by not allowing the older children to cough over baby or kiss her face. Also good hygiene. I do understand it must be a difficult situation though.

myduckiscooked · 19/12/2019 08:28

I don’t think you were wrong not to go to the extended family but equally I don’t weekend visits should be cancelled due to illness. He is their parent and parents must parent though illness and health as you are about to find out.

Original poster

RigidBoard · 19/12/2019 08:33

All is noted. I thought I was doing what was for the best.

I have apologised to everyone but I can't obviously it isn't enough. Hopefully I'll make it up to them in due course.

OP posts:

LunchBoxPolice · 19/12/2019 08:39

I wouldn’t send my son to his dad’s if he had a temp and sickness, especially if there is a new baby in the house.

Newmumma83 · 19/12/2019 08:43

Hun I wouldn’t let my newborn be near a sick child related or not if I had another and my son was ill and I had a 8 week old
Or younger I assure you they would be kept a apart and thats my own flesh and blood I am referring too ... he would be more put out if we had to leave him with grandparents as we visit the hospital with a vomiting new norm that can’t keep anything down x

TypicalMeBreakMyTypicalRules · 19/12/2019 08:46

Going against the grain too but I think I would have done what you did. The kids continued with their day that was planned and you opted out. I think with a newborn you're ok to make that decision, you did what felt right

Original poster

RigidBoard · 19/12/2019 08:48

Thank you to those who think I wasn't necessarily wrong. It has caused an argument and I don't know how to right it. I suppose I can't really.

OP posts:

BriefDisaster · 19/12/2019 08:48

I try to keep my kids apart if one gets ill, I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

thefamousfiveplusone · 19/12/2019 08:49

I can understand and relate to how you're feeling. Sickness bugs are my worlds worst nightmare! I try to avoid them at all costs so I imagine I would have felt the same as you on this one.

Saying that I too have a newborn (9 days old) who was 3 weeks early and she already has her first cold! She's full of green snot which is just heartbreaking for such a tiny new little human. It was my 12 year old who probably passed it on and unfortunately this is to be expected when there are other children in the household. You can't protect them from everything sadly.

Avihoot · 19/12/2019 08:51

If you are breastfeeding, your baby will have some of your immunity. But sickness bugs are always unpleasant so for my own personal reasons I would not want to be near the sick child. I wouldn't have worried about the baby catching it though.

I agree with others, that if the children lived with you full time you could not keep them separated. But I understand your position as a first time mum. I was so proud my eldest was never ill as a baby. My 2nd child had his first cold at 8 days old. Younger children caught everything going. It's just the way of things.

Shookethtothecore · 19/12/2019 08:52

I would of gone on my first- but my third is 11 weeks old and has just spent a week in hospital, 4 days in high dependency with Bronchiolitis passed on from her older siblings. It couldn’t be helped, and tbh I was probably a bit lax with them all in her face making her smile but I wouldn’t of wished that week on my worst enemy. So now, we are avoiding sick kids as best we can. I realise I’m hyper sensitive to this issue as what we have been through is so raw

CornishMaid1 · 19/12/2019 08:52

I don't think you are in the wrong. I think you did what you thought was best.

If I were in your shoes but the children were living full time with us then yes you would not be able to keep them completely separate, in the same way you probably didn't this weekend, but it would be reasonable for one of you to look after the baby and one to look after the sick children since there are two of you. You haven't done anything different with them being stepchildren with the two of you as you would probably have done if they were children of your relationship living with the two of you.

Knucklehead101 · 19/12/2019 08:54

I’d have absolutely done the same. You had the choice to protect your newborn from a potentially horrible illness (could be norovirus) and you took it. I’d definitely put the health of my baby above the feelings of a few miffed in laws but it seems like we are in the minority! Hope he or she is feeling better soon x

AJPTaylor · 19/12/2019 08:55

Well, for a start it can be righted by others taking their stance having a bit of sympathy and empathy for a first time mum with a new born.
Staying at home with a new born baby is never wrong. May be the question is, was your dh right to take his child out of the house whilst I'll?

PixieDustt · 19/12/2019 08:58

You're not wrong at all. You followed your instincts and no one should make you feel bad about that.

If anyone had the option to keep their newborn baby away from illness they would and you did. It's not the end of the world you didn't go to PIL's.

You're a new mum and a lot of people will make you feel bad about your choices but don't let them. Always follow your instincts.

SubordinateThatClause · 19/12/2019 08:59

If they were with you full time, you would keep them separated. They're not, and you have the possibility of keeping them even more separated. As pp have said, a cold wouldn't stop me having step children over (it is their home too), but what sounds like norovirus is a whole different ball game with knock on effects. Your DH caring for sick child, potentially getting it himself and unable to support you with a newborn... not to mention we're less than a week to Christmas.

You've absolutely done the right thing. I would never send my dcs to their Dad with a sickness bug, even if I am vomit phobic!!!

Maryann1975 · 19/12/2019 09:00

I don’t think the dcs mum was BU for sending the dc to their dads for the regular contact visit. He is their dad and part of parenting is that you deal with poorly children. I wouldn’t have taken my poorly dc to their grandparents for the day though. Kept them at home, so the gp didn’t catch it. But I guess it depends how poorly they are.
I completely get why you were concerned about your baby, but they are siblings and if they lived with you the majority of the time, you just have to get on and deal with it as best you can. (But I also think I have opposite views about step families to a lot of mn. If I had step dc Who were off school and I was on mat leave, I would fully expect to look after them for the day rather than dh having a day off work to look after them).
Your partner is being a bit U. If he thought you should have gone, he should have spoken up at the time, there isn’t a great lot you can do about it now.

ShouldI101 · 19/12/2019 09:04

Maybe dh was disappointed that his parents didn't get to spend time with the baby. I don't know where you all live or how often you see each other. If you see each other a few times a week then I might have stayed at home too. But if they live a distance away and this was the only time you would see them for a week or so I would have gone. And just kept the sick kid at a bit of a distance from the baby.

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