Things you never thought you’d say until you had children

[puds11]

Today: please could you take your foot out of your mouth.

Previous: Don’t lick the cat

Never would I have thought these were phrases I’d need to say!

‘If she looks like she’s going to be sick give her to me, you’ve got nicer clothes on’
I knew being puked on was to be expected but I didn’t think I’d be volunteering for it!

‘You left the poo on the windowsill’

"Stop licking your sister's bottom" and "Don't lick the doormat."

Are both phrases I remember saying whilst thinking that's not something I ever expected to need to say to my children 🤣

these are great! The volunteering to be puked on is definitely not how you see your life going

Shouting to DH ‘She’s just shit up the wall!’

We had a changing station set up for new born DD on the dining room table so we didn’t have to go upstairs every time we had to change a nappy. As I was changing DD she did a poo explosion which shot out and went straight up the wall opposite! I was crying laughing but DH was not so amused!

I'm afraid most are potty related:

That's not your willy; put it down! (many bathtimes)

It's only a bit of wee/sick/poo.

Could you try eating it with your mouth please?

Please don't lick my boobs while I'm wiping your bottom.

What a fantastic big/small/smelly/colourful poo that is in the potty!

That's not a potty! Nooooo!

Don't put your willy in the cats ear to DS1.

Don't punch Minnie Mouse on the nose to DS2. We were at a 5th birthday party and they had Micky and Minnie Mouse mascots.

Stickers don't go up your nose!
Stop licking the bus stop.
Stop playing with the toilet.
Paint isn't food.
Mummy is not a trampoline.

stop trying to touch your brother's willy

"Stop trying to lick your own willy"

"Please don't lick that window, I've just cleaned it"

"Is that chocolate? No, its poo, isn't it? No, I don't want to lick it"

"No. I can't stop your brother breathing your air, we're all sharing it"

Stop hugging lampposts! Dogs and people wee all over them.

They are eleven now and still try the odd ‘singing in the rain’ manoeuvre

Don't damage your father! (When DH and DS play wrestling).

The dog is a living being, not a toy, please leave her alone.

No football in the house please.

No, I didn't see you playing football, but I could still hear the ball bouncing off the walls!

Give me the football that you hid behind the sofa when I came in please.

And the other football as well.

No, you can't have them back unless you're going to play outside.

If you take the football out of the cloakroom again, I will confiscate it for a week.

No, you can't have the ball back.

Yes, I'm a very mean mummy!

"Mud is not a foodstuff!"

Stop riding the dog, she is not a horse!

Yes that’s a lovely green poo, thank you for showing me.

Please don’t lick the dog I’m not sure she likes it!

Will you please stop getting naked in the library!

"Don't put your finger up that little boy's nose"
"Don't lick the dog"
"Don't pull the dogs little boobies, she doesn't like it"

Leave your willy ALONE x 5424679753 a day

Your socks don't belong in the dishwasher/bookcase/my handbag/cutlery drawer/rabbit hutch.

DS2 is seemingly unable to help himself bollocks littering the house with discarded socks. All of the above are real examples. Git.

NO, NO let go of that poo, you don't run around with the cat's poo.

I’ve done a poo. Do you want to see it before I flush?

Do NOT throw turkey dinosaurs at the vegan...

Is that poo or chocolate? (A high stakes game!)

"Why is there a naked Barbie in the fruit bowl?"

The dogs boobies poor thing!

Can you smell his bum? Does it smell of poop?

He vomited all over me again, it’s my second change of clothes for today

No, no, don’t pee on the couch please!

Who threw the fake poo on the ceiling? It has left a greasy mark.