Things you never thought you’d say until you had children

[puds11]

Today: please could you take your foot out of your mouth.

Previous: Don’t lick the cat

Never would I have thought these were phrases I’d need to say!

Be sick in mummy’s hands not the carpet
Why have you done a poo on your dinner
See you at soft play on Saturday
Twelve litres a week: in response to how much milk I buy a week

Thanks for the invite to go out on the lash but I’m too tired and have a pile of ironing

No thank you, I don't want to eat that bogey on your finger, get a tissue!!!

Stop showing me your bumhole and then running of laughing!

Stop trying to lick my face!

To DS: Yes, your poo IS in your wheelbarrow!

To DD: DONT EAT THAT BIRD POO!! Nooooooo!

"Darling please dont play in your sick"

Stop licking the bin/window/dog/kitchen counter
Stop touching your willy (like a PP x 727837373)
ARE YOU LISTENING

And I really didn’t think I’d have to spell this out at almost 3 but: We don’t lick things in shops so mummy has to buy them

Hahahaha these are so funny. At what age does licking random things stop please? My almost 4 year old seems to have decided to start recently...

"Stop playing with your bum"

"No we don't wee on people, we wee in toilets"

"Did you do a poo today?"

"Stop licking me/other random object"

Norovirus hit last week during my first hangover for years and I asked my son to be sick in my hands rather than the sofa. There was so much and it was really warm, I underestimated the amount it basically sieved through my fingers and all I was left with were chunks. Then I chucked it in the sink and threw up too. Grim day indeed.

Oh @PonderLand I hope you’re all better now!

Leave your foof alone. Get you finger out of your nose. Don't you dare lick that. WASH YOUR HANDS... WITH SOAP!!!!!! Do you have McDonalds money? Do you have cinema money? Do you have ice van money? Do you have lamb doner money???

Seriously. Daily.

To my husband - "He hasn't done his 6 o clock poo! Bath time is going to be a nightmare!!"

Lots of licking going on

(While laughing somewhat hysterically) He's done a wee down the stairs!

There was a random sound of gushing water and I ran off the sofa into the hall to investigate to find DS (5) sleepwalking and mistaking the stairwell for the toilet. Without a glimmer of recognition, he put it away and ambled off to bed.
Meanwhile I had to disinfect every single stair!

I'm sure there is much more bizzarre, but just about anything is "normal" now and I can't even remember what normal was. I come on to MN just to put normal conversation into my head.

"Take that trout out of your hair"

"Stop hugging that bollard, people are trying to get past"

"Don't lick that man's bicycle tyre!" What is it with all the fucking licking, seriously?

"Yes, if you go to bed NOW, as a treat I'll pretend to be a slug and slither around your room"

"Your brother is not called Fishy"

And "nighttime voices" x 10 million squillion thousand.

Don't pull it! (His willy)
Yours is the same as mummy's! His dinner)
Come back here and have your nappy on! Don't wee on the carpet!
Don't throw it! (Anything really, toys, food, water cup and finitum)