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Original poster

When to start overnight stays at child’s dads house?

35 replies

Febee23 · 18/12/2019 00:34

What age to start thinking about letting the child’s father have overnight stays with daughter?
Take into consideration that I was single and threatened throughout my pregnancy on what to do once daughter was born so has only seen our daughter a hand full of times and no real bond and trust has happened as of yet

OP posts:
BubblesBuddy · 18/12/2019 00:42

Get an agreement in court. Has he asked? Has your DD asked? Why does she need to stay overnight right now? All cases are different but I would try and get an agreement on visits.

Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 00:59

We are actually currently going through court as he wants her surname changed as I didnt agree to his wants of using his surname so now he’s applying to double barriered her name which I still don’t agree to!
I’m wondering when roughly overnight stays take place in situations like this

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 18/12/2019 01:10

I would say he needs to 100% understand her needs and she needs to know him and be settled with him.

Personally i wouldnt start under a year old

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HeddaGarbled · 18/12/2019 01:10

Not at all in situations like yours. He will need to establish a relationship with her by frequent short daytime contact, gradually building up to longer periods of time, before an overnight is attempted. Regularity is more important than age. A “handful of times” is inadequate preparation for an overnight stay.

Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 03:12

Yes and also I’m still breastfeeding as my daughter is only a few months old

What are your opinions with him applying for her surname to be changed

OP posts:
DecemberSnow · 18/12/2019 04:13

Keep breast feeding, exclusively, dont express, (even if you are bottle feeding, dont tell the courts that)
he wont be able to have her then!

DecemberSnow · 18/12/2019 04:15

Legally, he can not get that changed / added without your permission

Rtmhwales · 18/12/2019 04:35

He can apply to have it double barreled. I'd let him go to court for everything and see if he maintains interest.

Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 05:17

I’m anxious I really hope the court don’t allow him to change her name.. I see it as he just wants a label around her there’s no meaning in it doesn’t define their relationship or define his role in her life.. and he actually once said he understands and he’s fine with her taking my surname (I have proof of him saying that)

The hand full of times he was able to see my daughter he came into my family home stoned and stunk of weed which left my daughter smelling of it!! Second time he then had the cheek to start demanding me to express so he could take my daughter when she wasn’t even a week old?! Silly.

Consistently questioning when I was going to register my daughter (putting pressure on me in early days to get it done ASAP) whiles knowing I was recovering from a csection. (He Still isn’t on birth Certificate) I agreed that he would be added on there but as we are going through court and has made matters 10x worse I will leave it to court to add as I don’t disagree i just can’t physically be in a room with him until we have everything in black and white ‘agreement’
And for him to prove to court hes drug free..

To note as well he has another child on the way which my daughter and his other child wont even be half a year old apart. I think what I’ve explained so for kinda gives you a rough idea of what kind of person he is. Criminal records, caught with a class A drug on him.. drug addict class A and B (claims he has stopped) also a drug dealer (also “stopped”) done for drink driving, harassment... controlling, aggressive, bully.. UNSTABLE!

Really hope they see his previous behaviour and just get a good picture of who he really is.

P.S love this Webb good for ranting lolz

OP posts:
Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 05:20

The court can grant it if he proves that it benefits my daughter which he’s going for ‘so she knows her identity’ BS as said to me He just wants it so everyone can see she’s his too. That’s not for her benefit that’s his own.

OP posts:
Shortbreadbaby · 18/12/2019 05:25

Why are you even considering over nights? Seems like a messy situation OP. Stay strong

Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 05:31

Oh I’m not considering anytime soon believe me! He has a lot of proving to do before anything! I’m mainly wondering if the courts will make it happen and If so at what age it would roughly start

OP posts:
hellywelly3 · 18/12/2019 05:34

I personally would keep this person out my daughters life as long as possible. He sounds a nasty piece of work. Without his name on the birth certificate his rights are very limited so don’t put him on it

Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 05:53

Yeah and I missed out he wished cancer on my family also.. actually lied said he couldn’t have kids which obviously is a lie as now I have a daughter by him and he has another on the way so yeah I totally agree i personally only knew him for a few months and in those times it was all red flags that I thankfully saw! I have to just fight for mine and my daughters safety and well-being hopefully the rest will full into place

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Soontobe60 · 18/12/2019 05:56

From what you say, he sounds like a less than ideal father. But he is her father, and as such I can totally understand why he would want her to share his name. I'm not sure why you wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate. So many people as adults in that situation are desperate to know who their father is, as it's a big part of their identity. It doesn't mean they want to have a relationship with him though!
At some point you must have been in a relationship with him. Didn't you see this side of him then?
If he is as bad as you say, then I can't see the courts agreeing to even unsupervised contact. Where does he see her at the moment?
Generally, try to think of what's best for your DD, not for you, or him. I think him being in the birth certificate, and having both parents surname, is important to her and really doesn't have any impact on him as a father. It won't give him overnight access or PR automatically. But it will help her know her identity as she gets older. Children I work with who don't know who their father is seem to have something missing. Those who do, but don't have contact, are more accepting of this.

Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 06:08

I agree with you and that’s why I said I have agreed for his name to be added to the birth certificate we are going through a tough time atm and I personally don’t want to be meeting him until everything is settled with court and as they have concerns from his past and that I’m mentioning this on going behaviour he has they have suggested contact through a contact centre which I’m happy for just waiting for them to organise that and when my daughter was first born I happily let him come to the hospital and then into my family home supervised by my mother at all times yes I was in a relationship just for 6 weeks which our relationship was more forced because I conceived VERY early. soon as I found out I was pregnant this is when his behaviour changed and of course we was spending more time together I got to see how much he smoked and then the other stuff when he went out. I tried to address my concerns about his drug use and that’s when he would become verbally aggressive

The name is what I disagree to that’s it as long as my daughter is safe bonding and a happy relationship can be built

OP posts:
Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 06:26

So everything that happened in our ‘relationship’ of 6 weeks I didn’t bring up once my daughter was born ‘fresh start’ I allowed him to come to the hospital once my daughter was born and I hoped he had changed which only took him 3 days to prove he hasn’t drugs and trying to be controlling demanding things. Thats where it starts off again and no agreements have be able to be made by one another so court is our only option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 06:31

And sorry who in their right mind wishes bloody cancer on the mother carry your child family. As at that time technically it’s your childs family your wishing that on.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 06:33

Ffs that poor little girl.
I know it’s too late now but choose a better sperm donor next time.
You’re going to have to fight him every inch of the way here. Maybe when the other poor little sod I’d born he’ll lose interest in your dd.

Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 06:39

I feel it for my daughter I really do! I just hope for her sake he turns his life around and these babies give him the motivation to be a better person. Also would be nice is to understand and respect me as the mother that would be nice too I guess.

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Original poster
Febee23 · 18/12/2019 07:06

I can just keep adding to it too so sad. Whiles I was midway through my pregnancy!! he ask about names as mostly I was sending his mother updates as he wasn’t concerned with updates up until when he decided he wanted to be involved and play happy family thats when I mentioned she would be taking my last name which a week later I received a solicitor letter whiles I was bloody pregnant!!! All over her name ffs

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 07:29

He’s not going to be the man and father you want him to be. You barely know him.
Get ready for a fight.

Verily1 · 18/12/2019 07:35

Why on Earth are you letting him anywhere near your dd?

There are so many child protection risks there!

Allowing contact at all is risking the perception of your ability to keep her safe if you are so blind to the risks of him.

No contact until a court says so and get yourself a lawyer and fight against his application for PRR giving all the safeguarding concerns you have as a reason.

He’s a danger to your child FFS!

Blueroses99 · 18/12/2019 07:43

I think him being in the birth certificate, and having both parents surname, is important to her and really doesn't have any impact on him as a father. It won't give him overnight access or PR automatically.

I think you are wrong @Soontobe60, what I’ve learnt from Mumsnet is that being on the birth certificate does give parental rights. And if he is fighting in court about a name change, he may not be reasonable when it comes to agreeing to holidays, schools or medical treatment etc. And the child will know who her father is as OP will tell her.

underneaththeash · 18/12/2019 07:47

DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE!