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Original poster

Relationship/someone else’s child

75 replies

Mammy7 · 17/12/2019 20:36

I’m in a relationship with my partner on/off for ten years, I have a 4 year old son and my partner really struggles with the fact I have a child with someone else it’s causes masses of arguments and awkwardness. I love him so much I love both of them I feel so torn. What can I do? Has anyone experienced this? My partner blows very hot and cold with me to the point now i am cracking up! But the anxiety I get at the thought of being with out him goes through the roof! Why I don’t know. Thoughts and peoples experiences?

OP posts:

ISmellBabies · 18/12/2019 11:50

Of course he understands why you're so upset, he just doesn't give a fuck and is doing it anyway. It's a piss poor relationship. Put yourself and your son first and end this shit show once and for all. 10 fucking years and he abandons you on your own for Christmas, fuck off!

frazzledasarock · 18/12/2019 11:56

I honestly do not understand these sort of posts.

The man does not like your child. He resents your baby.

And yet you’re wailing ‘but I loooooooveeeee him’
Then he’s abandoning you at Christmas despite dangling fake Christmas plans in front of you and ensuring you’ve declined all invites so you’ll be sitting alone at home whilst he’s living it up.

You’re doing this to yourself.

At the very least put your son first and dump the useless fecker. Your an available baby shag and ego boost to him.

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 18/12/2019 13:44

Now that you have explained that you had your DS during a "break" I can understand his feelings. It doesn't make him right, but it explains why he feels like that. Had you previously discussed having children together?

JellyNo15 · 18/12/2019 14:59

If I were in your shoes anything I felt for my partner would have ended the moment I realised how he felt about my child. Put your child first and kick this piece of shite out of your lives. No one would dare to treat me and mine this way. Step up and put be the role model your child deserves.

Original poster

Mammy7 · 18/12/2019 15:14

It is all easier said than done I know what u all mean I suffer from anxiety anyway, I’m feeling really anxious about all of this even more now

OP posts:

DisPater · 18/12/2019 15:27

Who cares if you love him? He's being a bastard about your child. You can't exactly send the child back, so the partner has to go. Sad but that's life after children, you don't get everything the way you want it

LittleReindeer · 18/12/2019 15:38

I was in this exact situation. I’d been with someone on and off for about eleven years (his doing not mine). In one of our “off” periods he had a child with someone else. Quite frankly I was jealous that he chose to do that with someone else instead of me. I didn’t want someone else’s child intruding on our relationship - I wanted it to be just us, the way it had always been. I didn’t like our “new” situation with this child in tow.

It would have been different if I’d met him for the first time after he’d had his child, because then I’d have known the situation from the start and I wouldn’t be jealous because it would have happened before he met me. But I already loved him before his child existed and then I felt like he’d moved the goal posts and just expected me to accept it. He could have had that child with me but he actively chose not to - that was what hurt.

Anyway, I did the mature thing and broke it off with him once and for all. I understood that his first responsibility was to his child and if I couldn’t accept that (I couldn’t) and accept a role as stepmother (I wouldn’t) then I had to walk away. Your partner is being selfish - he wants to have the “pre child you” that he knew before, and he can’t.

JellyNo15 · 18/12/2019 15:46

I'm sorry if I made your anxiety worse but honestly his guy is probably causing a lot of it. You survive two weeks at a time without him. You can live a better life without him in it, for you and your child.

itcamefrombeckyvardyself · 18/12/2019 15:57

Op he's a prick.

He hasn't committed in ten years, he has no relationship with your child. If he was in this seriously he'd be intent on building a family unit. He doesn't have to replace his dad or even try to but he sounds like he does nothing at all to build any sort of relationship with your son.

I could not be with someone who treated me or my child in such a casual manner.

Stop making him your priority when to him your just an option.

QueenofPain · 18/12/2019 16:00

How on earth have you got ten years into a relationship with someone who resents the existence of your child?

Surely your son is entirely non-negotiable and always has been, your role as a mother will never change, and he can’t magically become the father of this child, in the same way that your son can’t just disappear, so all of his pissing and moaning is completely futile?

How has it got this far? I don’t understand.

VenusClapTrap · 18/12/2019 16:24

I’m not surprised you’ve got anxiety after ten years of that shit. Once you’ve purged him from your life you’ll probably feel a whole lot more secure.

AdaColeman · 18/12/2019 16:31

Get rid of this man ASAP.
He is no good for you or your child, and he will never change.

Your first priority must be your child. Focus on making a happy life for yourself and your son.

Ellapaella · 18/12/2019 16:39

Trust me OP, if you look back in this thread in five years time you'll wonder why you ever bothered with him in the first place. Trust us all, we're all saying the same thing here!
Your son is the most important person in your life, how can you be in a relationship with someone who resents him?
Never mind all the other crap...

Original poster

Mammy7 · 18/12/2019 17:24

I know I keep reading over the replies they do help me, I feel a fool, what does OP mean? Original post?

OP posts:

Ellapaella · 18/12/2019 17:34

You are the OP, the original poster

housinghelp101 · 18/12/2019 18:20

You are his FWB OP, put your child first, get some self respect and get rid of this loser.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 18/12/2019 19:24

I suffer from anxiety anyway, I’m feeling really anxious about all of this even more now

It can seem very hard to leave a relationship, even a not-very-good one. You get comfortable with what you know and how things are, even when you know deep down that they are bad for you.

And yet, no-one regrets leaving a bad relationship, and usually they bloom and rediscover themselves. (My friend kicked her husband out after 13 years, when their two children were under 5. He'd been emotionally abusive for so long that she thought she was incapable. At the time she was holding down a well-paid professional job, whilst he was 'too depressed' to work! She's discovered she's amazingly capable and has tonnes more confidence. It is wonderful to see her being her true self )

Do you think your relationship makes your anxiety better or worse? Surely the on/off aspect means you don't feel secure? And always seeking his approval, even if that means surpressing your feelings and opinions?

Original poster

Mammy7 · 18/12/2019 19:48

Yes I feel exactly that! The anxiety does get worse when I don’t “meet his approval”, I’m low in confidence and self esteem I just want to hide away all the time and if I do go I anywhere I want to not be seen or hurry back home where I feel safe. I’m in a professional job two professional jobs one I volunteer for and I feel like I don’t want to go to them because I feel like at the moment my anxiety has been the worse it has ever been.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mammy7 · 18/12/2019 19:51

I know a lot of u will be thinking I am a weak person.

OP posts:

VenusClapTrap · 18/12/2019 20:19

Prove to yourself that you are not. This toxic man has made you think you are weak. If you take control of your life and end this dysfunctional relationship right now, you will feel empowered.

FabbyChix · 18/12/2019 20:22

He causes your anxiety

Original poster

Mammy7 · 29/12/2019 23:49

Well I think tonight has been the night...update...he lost his phone on his holiday, come back to mine to collect his work things he was in and out like flash lightening and he had to get to work since arriving at work he has text me calling me some really u forgivable things knowing fine well I’m very insecure and suffering really bad with anxiety (sure he thinks I just make it up) I don’t even think I can repeat on here what he said to me. I know people can say things in the heat of the moment nasty names but several hurtful things - I’m not quite sure! He has got me at rock bottom it’s like the person I have loved has tore strips off me and grinded me down to the ground knowing full well I have issues with anxiety I mean who could do that to someone is it normal male behaviour?!

OP posts:

Bumshkawahwah · 30/12/2019 08:20

It’s got nothing to do with male behaviour...it’s unpleasant, selfish, bastard behaviour. I doubt he thinks you are exaggerating your anxiety, he just doesn’t care. He treats you like this because he can.

I know this sounds harsh but you’ve nothing to lose by being without him. He’s not a positive thing in your life and he’s certainly not a positive in your son’s life. Look at all of this through your son’s eyes, about the behaviour both of you are modeling - this is not what you want your son to grow up seeing, that this is how women should be treated and men should act. If nothing else, focus on that.

Apolloanddaphne · 30/12/2019 08:27

Cut him loose and concentrate on you and your DS. You deserve so much better.

Original poster

Mammy7 · 30/12/2019 08:58

I know I do, because this has went on for ten years gradually I have lost everyone else in my life for one reason and another and they all have there own life’s and families now I feel like because I’ve devoted my life to him I have nothing and no one now as I’m 30 next week. I know I have my son but I don’t think it’s wrong of me to feel alone I want friends a I want a group of girlfriends I can rely on to be able to talk about things like this I want friends to be able to call in an emergency but I don’t because my world has revolves around him for ten years and as yous probably know it gets hard to make new friends the older you get. I’m just going to have to plod on and live with the anxiety he has left me with.

OP posts:

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