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Original poster

Relationship/someone else’s child

75 replies

Mammy7 · 17/12/2019 20:36

I’m in a relationship with my partner on/off for ten years, I have a 4 year old son and my partner really struggles with the fact I have a child with someone else it’s causes masses of arguments and awkwardness. I love him so much I love both of them I feel so torn. What can I do? Has anyone experienced this? My partner blows very hot and cold with me to the point now i am cracking up! But the anxiety I get at the thought of being with out him goes through the roof! Why I don’t know. Thoughts and peoples experiences?

OP posts:

ViciousJackdaw · 18/12/2019 02:00

Why do you want someone who doesn't like your son to want you?

Soffy · 18/12/2019 05:44

Get yourself some self respect , put your child first and dump this man.

blackcat86 · 18/12/2019 06:07

My first question would be why? He has a massive issue with you having a child, why? Lots of people are single with children. What's his problem. Also why are with someone who wont accept your child. Not only because presumably your child is very important to you and but also because they are a huge part of your life and identity as a parent. This guy has it made really. Is shitty to you, disappears off, appears (presumably for sex) and then goes again.

Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 06:13

How can you call him your partner? He has no relationship with your son, doesn’t want one either.
Put your son first for goodness sake. Dump this waste of space.

happycamper11 · 18/12/2019 06:17

I guess the issue comes from the fact you have been together 10 years and you have a 4 year old son that's not his therefore you either cheated or got pregnant during a short break? Whichever it is, his inability to get past it is causing him/making him feel justified to behave like a dick and you seem to accommodate him by sending your child away whenever he decides he wants to see you. I'd move on, I can't see where this is going if he's making you feel like this and obviously has no intention of spending time as a family which after all this time you'd expect

AlternativePerspective · 18/12/2019 06:22

Hang on. You’ve been with this man for ten years and you have a four year old with someone else?

TBH I can see why he finds it difficult to come to terms with the fact that you have a child with someone else in these circumstances, I think anyone would even if that child was conceived during a short break.

While he doesn’t have the right to treat your child badly I don’t think it’s quite as simple as “he’s an arse, get rid.” I would definitely end the relationship, but i do think you need to look at the reasons why he has an issue with this and think a bit more before flitting between relationships where having children by one person while sleeping with another are a potential.

MsMellivora · 18/12/2019 08:45

You need to really question what your doing with your life, it sounds like a mess. He isn’t your partner at all he is an on off user of you. Stip seeing him and get some therapy as much as he treats you like shit if you were supposed to be exclusive when you got pg by someone else he may be punishing you for it with his behaviour. Not right or nice of him of course but a possibility.

kierenthecommunity · 18/12/2019 09:06

Your ‘partner’ works away a lot and is suddenly away at Xmas?

You 100% sure you’re not the OW here?

Fanlights · 18/12/2019 09:08

How are you in a relationship with this waster for ten years but have a four year old who isn’t his?

Clangus00 · 18/12/2019 09:15

@fanlights it was an off & on again relationship.

OP you need to end this for good. End it block him everywhere & concentrate on you & your son.
Good luck, you both deserve better.

PegasusReturns · 18/12/2019 09:20

He’s not your “partner” in any meaningful sense. At best he’s an on/off boyfriend. At worst he’s using you as an occasional hook up.

Have some self respect, put your child first and dump this man

YorkieTheRabbit · 18/12/2019 09:34

How often do you actually see this man? If he works away does he come back at weekends or is he away for months then back for a couple of weeks? Where does he live when not at work?
It sounds like a strange relationship tbh, your son is part of the package not an optional extra.

Original poster

Mammy7 · 18/12/2019 09:56

He works away for 2 weeks then back 1 week he normally stays between mine and his mams for that week he rings me every night from work...I know I probably deserve better as I can never get any commitment out of him but I find it so hard to let go. I had my son when we had been on a year break so there was no cheating or deceiving.

OP posts:

VenusClapTrap · 18/12/2019 10:10

Yes, it is normal to want to spend Christmas with your partner. He does not love you or care about your feelings. I think he is using your son as a convenient excuse to walk in and out of your life as it suits him. He will never commit.

It’s up to you whether you want to waste your life on someone who treats you like this. But it’s a pretty damaging example to set for your son, who will grow up thinking this is how relationships work.

Danni12 · 18/12/2019 10:14

He is not treating you anywhere near how he should treat you. You are not his priority and he won't accept your child. End this. You deserve better OP.

Original poster

Mammy7 · 18/12/2019 10:16

I know this is what I think and I know deep down that the best thing I could do is walk away but that little devil on my shoulder just finds it so hard to let go, I genuinely care about him and love him but I know the love if he has any for me can’t possibly be the same as he wouldn’t put me through all of this.

OP posts:

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 18/12/2019 10:21

It’s not a relationship is it.

On/off for 10 years (the 2nd “off” should have been enough for you to realise this relationship would never work)

He resents your child

After 10 years he still lives with his mum rather than you.

He has no relationship with the most important person in your life.

He makes plans without considering you.

This is not a relationship. You are a convenient shag for him. Your son is an inconvenience to him.

RB68 · 18/12/2019 10:24

Am sorry, he is doing this all to manipulate your emotions, he is selfish, nasty and mean both to you and your Son. You need to dump his sorry ass

VenusClapTrap · 18/12/2019 10:26

Do it now, right now, while you have a very good straightforward reason to. “I am leaving you because by going away this Christmas you have shown me quite clearly how you feel about me and my feelings.”

Then block him, have a good cry, and focus on having a fun Christmas with your son. He is five. Five year olds are brilliant at Christmas. Let him distract you. Make 2020 your fresh start, tell your friends you need taking out and cheering up. It will be hard at first but you will get over this tosser, and with hindsight will see even more clearly what a dick he is.

PlasticPatty · 18/12/2019 10:28

The answer is - sack your partner. No-one should come between you and your child.

pooopypants · 18/12/2019 10:34

Raise your standards OP, he's wasting your time and you're wasting your emotions.

firstimemamma · 18/12/2019 10:41

If he doesn't have any relationship with your son, how exactly do you see your relationship with your partner panning out in the future?

He's had ten years and there still isn't a family unit type dynamic set up and that would worry me greatly as a mum.

I'd LTB if I were you for the sake of your son. Your son doesn't deserve to be excluded.

Cookit · 18/12/2019 10:42

I also don’t think you can call him a “partner” either.

Partner isn’t or shouldn’t be interchangeable for boyfriend. Partner is committed. You’re a team. You make life choices together and probably to a degree if not completely share a home and finances.

You have an on/off boyfriend who is probably not improving on your 4 year old’s life (you either have to try and get the child out of the way when he comes round or he isn’t as nice to the child as he should be) and that should be the main concern.

firstimemamma · 18/12/2019 10:43

*he's had 4 years that should've said, sorry typo.

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 18/12/2019 11:45

What do you think you should about this situation?

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