How to encourage DS to DO fun things

[OhGrrrreat]

Ds1 is 10 and a real homebody. I get that everybodys different but i's starting to concern me a little because he will happily sit on his bum the ENTIRE weekend with either the remote in his hand or the ipad. I don't allow him to obviously but it's so difficult getting him out for some fresh air! Ds2 is the opposite and loves being outdoors so we rarely get to do things as a family. He calls ds1 boring.

DS1 is not very sporty although he enjoys watching football. I encouraged him to join a local football academy but he said it's 'not really his thing'. He used to go swimming on a Saturday but is no longer interested. He was happy for me to put his name down for scouts and karate but we live in a small town with not much happening so these particular activities have long waiting lists. He likes chess but unfortunately there is nothing of the sort locally for juniors, I did a lot of ringing around. Dh drags takes both DC to a youth club occasionally on a Sunday where he volunteers but Ds1 calls it a snorefest. He even refused afterschool clubs. What do I do??

I've asked him numerous times if he wants friends over, (he's only ever had one friend visit our house) but he said no. Ftr he has friends at school and is popular so no issues there. I enjoy having him around the house but there's only so much lego, baking, crafts etc we can do before he is itching for devices again. When we visit family (I do force him to visit dparents once a week), he acts so bored and pesters for my phone or keeps asking when we are going home. He's 10 now and it seems quite rude. It's like he can't socialize or hold a conversation with adults. He enjoyed playing with his cousins before but finds them boring now too.

Any suggestions? Is he to get worse as he becomes a teen? He is a lovely lad, incredibly bright and makes me laugh every day. We do watch things on Netflix together and have meaningful conversations but I want him to enjoy his childhood and not be seen as a couch potato

Remove the screens/remote/ipad/phone/console/PS4/...... from his hands and place this book in the now empty hands en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Dangerous_Book_for_Boys

And if he doesn't want to read it, still keep all screens aways, unplug the TV and try a month without screens for the whole family

You could be describing me at the same age ( except that I read all the time since devices were not invented yet). Your DS is just one of those indoors kids who like being on their own and doing things by themselves.

It really isn't the end of the world - that "fresh air" that you talk about isn't any better for him than the air indoors. Being outside and being sporty isn't what he wants to do - you call it "having fun" but he gets his fun indoors.

I'd suggest that you just let him be. He obviously does other things with you indoors ,so he isn't entirely a device addict. Respect him for having his own interests and stop trying to force him into the "outside /fresh air" mold.

I turned out all right after being like that all my childhood - I'm sure he will too.

You could be describing my little brother (he's an immature 21 year old now). Do what my parents didn't do (and now regret) and take away each and every screen from him for a couple of weeks.

Oh and give him a book!

that "fresh air" that you talk about isn't any better for him than the air indoors.

Not the "air" technically. But outdoor time is really important for health--normal eyesight development and healthy sleeping habits. I don't think parents should force non sporty kids to be sporty, but I think it's absolutely fine to REQUIRE outdoor time, whether kids like it or not.

Take the screens away, as other posters have said. You say that he refuses after school clubs, but I think you need to level with him about this. Not doing organized activities is fine if a kid is happy to be active in other ways by themselves that don't involve screens (riding their bike, playing with friends, reading, writing, making stuff) but it's not OK if he is acting bored around the house, whining, pestering to be on your phone all the time. I would spell it out to him that he either learns to amuse himself in ways that don't involve a device and also get some exercise, or he's going to get signed up for clubs, whether he likes it or not.

he acts so bored and pesters for my phone or keeps asking when we are going home. He's 10 now and it seems quite rude. It's like he can't socialize or hold a conversation with adults.

I agree that this is a problem. It sounds like he needs to learn some social skills. Have you discussed this with him?

Thanks for all the replies.

I ought to have mentioned I want him getting physical exercise and to be moving around and not just the fresh air. He will honestly sit like a lump on the sofa with his blanket for hours. He is very skinny and I believe if he is physically active it will help increase his appetite as he is a poor eater.

I was a real bookworm at Ds's age and I do encourage him to read. We are currently reading the Alchemyst together, his idea as he is new to science fiction and struggles sometimes to understand what's going on. So even if he manages 1 chapter daily he does read. I have refused to buy a ps4 because of dc's inability to listen when I say no more screentime and the amount of time already spent on devices.

@shippingNews I understand everyone is different but getting outdoors atleast once a day and doing fun activities is important to me particularly because I missed out on it all growing up.

@user1477391263 yes we have discussed this. He gets upset and says he can't help it. He gets quite anxious in some social situations but I don't think it's helpful for him to continue using a phone as a crutch?

My DS9 is a bit like this. He's an introvert and enjoys being at home. I've learned to understand that's just the way he likes to recharge.

We on on family trips and he moans about going but kind of enjoys the trips when we are out. We have explained to him that in order to be healthy, it's important to do a range of different activities.

Maybe plan some trips or activities that DS will enjoy eg something computer related. Explain the plan to him and that you are going out until xxx and when he gets home, he can do whatever he wants. In the meantime, you don't want to hear any moaning.

This could have been me, except with a book. I am not sporty, I hate going for walks etc. I could happily spend all week indoors. I am just an introverted homebody naturally and happiest in my own company. My mother comparing me to my extroverted sporty brother didn't help.

Of course he needs to exercise for health reasons, but you can't rewire someone's personality and when he gets older you won't have a say anyway. So focus on the exercise outdoors for health, curb screen time, but don't try to force him to be someone he isn't. It damaged my relationship with my mother.

There's a different between being a book worm and addicted to screens.

Lots of us parents have facing the screen battle, I think. It definitely has such a bad effect on behaviour here. I'm trying to restrict it to half hour a day and we genuinely do have a much better day without them.

Ah, I x posted there. Part of the issue here is you are saying fun things but they may be things he doesn't find fun. I found going to relatives boring as well, but my mum just reminded me of my manners and punished accordingly if I was rude. To this day though I am not much of a chatter, I just fake it a bit and recharge once people have left.

It does sound like you are limited by where you live though if there are waiting lists. I just think you need to focus on the message that sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to and suck it up. You need to accept though that what you find fun may be very different and not focus on what you missed out on, he is a different person.

Yeah, that is fair, but I did advise to curb screen time. I suppose what I am saying is that it is probably a case of trying to find something he considers fun outside of the home, though I appreciate you are trying to do that already.

Ironically I now read everything on screens so am probably not one for advice anyway

Maybe photography?

don't try to force him to be someone he isn't

Exactly this. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. We've done all kinds of outdoor things with our son over the years - walking, cycling, swimming, golf, skiing, etc. We've bought all kinds of activities for Christmas and Birthdays - model railways, lego, meccano, etc. When he was young, we read with him several times a day. He'll reluctantly do things with us, but he has no "mojo" to do anything himself and just prefers to play on his Xbox, ipad or iphone or watch football on the TV. He hasn't read a book for the last 6 years (secondary school killed it dead). He is who he is, he's happy doing his own thing. We've not "forced" him to do anything, but we've tried to encourage him and facilitate him to do other things, but it's all come to nothing. What more can you do. There's no way we were going to punish him for doing things he enjoys.

Would he go out with friends, on their own? And would you let him (once weather is lighter)?

My DS1 is 11 (today!) & in Year 6. At the end of Year 5 & the first half term of Year 6, he & a group of friends, who all live in our village, go out on bikes & knock for each other. They are given a strict curfew & limits as to where they can go, plus they cycle past our houses so we can keep an eye on them. They absolutely love it, it gives freedom, exercise & socialisation. Does depend if you are in an area where it's safe/practical though.

@EmpressJewel yes DS1 also moans when we go out even if he secretly has a good time. He isn't as bad now but he would get very upset and say that we waste all his time we no longer take him shopping and avoid long journeys if we can. Eating out depends on his mood, he usually prefers a takeaway than going to a restaurant.

@BarbedBloom I never compare him to ds2 or make him feel this is something wrong with the way he is. But I want him to enjoy different experiences and have nice memories. He is also very quiet like you and 'a dream' when someone babysits

Photography is a good idea! I will buy him a cheapy camera and see where it takes him.

@user1497207191 I agree there is only so much we can do, and I'm sure you have no regrets for all the ways you tried to get your DS active and into different activities. I guess I can only do the same and see if it triggers an interest. He loves lego Ninjago so most family members will be getting him lego sets for xmas!

@confusedofengland Ds is allowed to ride his bike alone at the small park near our house but going out with friends alone isn't something I think he is ready for. He has no sense of danger when crossing roads. He is in year 5 and at the start of the year his teacher encouraged parents to allow children to come and go alone from school. It caused a huge row with DS because he also wanted to. But we live further away than most of the other children and with many busy roads inbetween. So we compromised that he be dropped off two streets from school and walks from there. But I'm always worried as he just does not look! Sitting at home all day doesn't help him with becoming independent or learning basic things like crossing a road safely.

@confusedofengland oh and happy 11th birthday to your ds

Make him bored, properly bored like we used to be in the 80s he will soon make his own fun.

@Bunnybigears He has this way of killing me slowly and painfully with his moaning when I deliberately hide away devices. A friend suggested we hide away our TV and ipads etc and pretend we've been burgled a bit extreme but I'm actually looking forward to Christmas TV or I would!

Be careful not to superimpose your idea of fun on him. He obviously thinks gaming and tv all day is fun.

That doesn't mean you can't insist he does thinks like come for a walk in the fresh air, just don't expect him to enjoy it. Frame it as ' as people get older/ become teens it is important to look after your body and keep fit. It may not be your idea a fun but it has to happen'

Given that he likes football, would he be interested in going to see your nearest big name team play? My friend did this with her screen addicted DS. He supported a Premier team, and they couldn't afford to go every week, or indeed get tickets, but he and his dad started following their local non league team and it became "their" thing to do together.

Definitely take the screens away for a while. You will get moaning but he’ll sort himself out.
Does he enjoy swimming? I’m sure if he has a choice between swimming and screens, he’ll choose screens but what if his choice is swimming or anything other than screens?

A pp mentioned photography. A camera has got my ds out and about with us. He loves to take photos of nature and wildlife and happily comes along now.

When they don’t have screens, my two ds will find things to do and have even resorted to baking. Some other things have been very creative. It doesn’t happen if they’re staring at screens.

OP would he play Pokémon Go or Geocache? My 7 year old DS is a bit tech-mad but he will happily come on a walk if he can research geocaches or play Pokémon out in the wild.

Every school holiday, I print out a list that I find on the internet which has Rules for screen time and has a list of things to do before screen time like make their bed, reading, playing outside, helping out with chores.

For some reason, the fact that I’ve found it from a site on the internet somewhere, gives it more gravitas than nagging mum

We have a reward system. DS (10) has to earn screen time during the week for the weekend. Only allowed tv during the school week if he has enough daily points. During the holidays they have to spend 20 minutes outside, read to me, 20 minutes doing something sensible, help with something and 30 minutes playing with toys before I will discuss screens with them.

He sounds v similar to my DS 11.

I know everyone is saying it but we had to cut down the screens. I finally admitted it when he was about 10 and initially cut him down to half the time he was having (I'll risk being slaughtered - all day) and then when I realised that still wasn't enough, a quarter. 25% of the time he is awake dedicated to screens I felt is plenty yet isn't so little that I am unable to cope with him. I'm not willing to cut them out completely but this is so much better.

I made him pick a club. I just gave him a list and made him choose one. Luckily the one he liked was available, so he does parkour now. He is driving me mental begging for special parkour trainers and practicing running jumps onto the sofa or down the hallway but secretly I love this because it is such a change from where he was a year ago.

Food - I am a bit crap at this still but I started a new rule that what I make for dinner is what is on offer for dinner. No excuses that he hates it or whatever. I find it tough because he will literally refuse to eat for days if he decides he doesn't like what I've made, but I make plain things for him, nothing awful or strongly flavoured (unless it's a strong flavour that he likes). I am a bit weak with this one and sometimes agree to let him make his own dinner but I've stopped cooking three separate meals and letting DH do a fourth. I also make a sustained effort to eat together or do the kids' tea together so that he's not shovelling food in in front of a screen. But I limit the time I stay at the table to about 20mins and if he's making the mealtime miserable because he's just whining and moaning through it or getting up and down or whatever then I don't stay. He's allowed to pick bits out as long as he does it neatly onto a designated reject plate. He is not allowed to fill up on other foods after making a token effort unless I ok it.

I'm trying to get a handle on my own screen time. Of course he wants to be on it all the time as he just sees me doing the same. I'm setting up activities some afternoons that we can do together. Board games and crafts go down the best, he also enjoys cooking and likes picking out meals he wants to eat. During school holidays we can do trips out, but he doesn't want to after school and that's fine.

I've come to see that although I'd love him to be a self starter actually him doing non screen stuff that I have initiated is still a win. And he's been having more ideas for things he wants to do because I've started him off with some things. He also has to do one job around the house every day and two at weekends. Keeps him busy :o