@FuckedUpBig
I have suffered from intense anxiety and depression all my life, from as long as I can remember and recall having my first panic attack at a 3 year old in play group.
As the odd one out I got bullied badly at school and had no self esteem or self confidence.
I too avoided interviews and stressful situations for so long, always taking the path of least resistance, which in turn led to low paid, unfulfilling jobs that I hated.
The anxiety and depression got so bad that I ended up having a nervous breakdown, which ultimately saw me going to see the Doctor, who prescribed anti-depressants.
These, to be fair made . a massive difference, but didn't help with the anxiety. I went back several times to the GP and tried different drugs and a few years later had another nervous breakdown.
After trying all the first line medications, the GP referred me for assessment under secondary care to see if there was a different drug that they could prescribe maybe off label that would help, that couldn't be prescribed by a GP without referral.
The assessment was fantastic and effectively said that the anti depressants were like repeatedly putting a plaster on sore feet - they way she put it was that what I needed instead of more plaster was a pair of shoes.... this was a revelation.
She then went on to explain that she had found I had anxious personality disorder, with avoidant and obsessive traits. When she explained how these manifested themselves, it all became so clear and obvious.
I was just about managing to cope with day to day life, but operating a 95-99% emotional capacity every day and it didn't take much to tip me over the edge. After living on the edge for so many years, eventually the brain gives up the fight and this leads to me depression.
The depression is due to the exhaustion of anxiety, rather than the principal issue. I needed to fix the anxiety in order to avoid the depression.
This then led to a a lot of therapy which whilst it hasn't cured my anxiety, has helped me identify and understand who I am, how I work and what makes me tick.
She was brutally honest and said that unless it is caught and treated early, pre-adulthood, there is seldom that can be done to reverse things as your brain is pretty hard sired by that point, therefore learning coping strategies is the best way forward.
Once I'd identified what the issue was and gone back to the most effective of the drugs I'd tried to manage the anxiety, I was able to take a deep breath, press reset on my life and 'go for it'.
I made a promise to myself to give it one shot, to try and save myself. I got my head down, worked my backside off, put myself forward and did a load of 'brave' things I'd have never tried previously which were absolute torture, but exhilarating nonetheless. This led to a promotion, which ultimately then allowed me to apply for a better job with a different company, which ultimately led to another promotion into management.
I had to endure panic attacks before interviews, pacing up and down the garden in the rain for hours trying to calm myself, not being able to eat or sleep, crying to myself, but all knowing it would be worth it to break the cycle and prove I could do it.
I did do it and it was hell, but it can be done. I'm now in a much better place, in that I earn reasonable money and survive day to day much better, but it is still an almighty struggle, but far better than it was.
Anxiety still gets the better of me, I still have to avoid triggers, but knowing how I function and understanding it better, give me some inner peace, as does the satisfaction that at least for a short while, I succumbed enough courage to be brave and do what was needed to force myself into a better place.