I always feel lonely at Xmas for the family I don't have

[ssd]

Parents are dead, siblings might as well be on the moon, estranged.
Xmas always makes me want aclise extended family, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.. It always makes me feel isolated. I have grown up ds's and dh, I'm lucky that way. I just want this emptiness in the pit of my stomach to go away.

I have the same situation with parents and siblings, but no extended family I have DH and DC's but it is especially hard especially at Christmas. I try to forget and just enjoy the now with my family.

I am now at the top of our family tree..there no one between me and my death.
I was chatting to an 85 year old man at the beach yesterday. Lovely man. So cheerful despite losing his wife and grandson a few years ago

I never allow myself to feel sad he said. I’ve been pondering on that.
Feeling follows thought..if you dwell on sad things you will feel sad.
Something I’m thinking about taking on board
Choosing how you want to feel

I'm the same OP it's so hard. My dad is dead, mum is a toxic useless mess and siblings live far away. I only have my little children

It does amaze me when posters say "I've only got my children" . I'm in the same situation but I've never felt lonely or sad that I don't have anyone except my children . They are what life is all about - the lack of cousins, uncles, aunts means nothing to me. If you've got your own little family you've got everything.

Parents and grandparents all dead, no siblings, no kids. Some aunties/uncles and cousins left on my dad’s side, but haven’t seen any of them since he left my mum when I was 4. Really feeling it this year for some reason, usually manage to crowd it out with Christmas cheeriness.

We're similar. Siblings aunts, uncles, cousins far flung or not interested, parents deceased. Just me, dh and dcs for Christmas. I'm glad we don't have to feed loads of people but it isn't very special. Going to try to see friends.

I always feel guilty for my DD as there is only the three of us. I had big family Christmases growing up but she’s never really known any different.

I don't want to sound harsh, but if spending Christmas with a partner and children isn't enough, it might be time to reframe how you see Christmas. Spending time with the people who love you and you love should surely make you happy, not sad. We've lost 3 parents in the last 2 years between us, but we're determined to make Christmas special, even if it is different.

Some people will be spending Christmas entirely alone and have no-one who loves them. That's truly awful.

You do sound harsh though AuntSpiker.

I know this sounds corny, but have you thought of contacting Age UK to see if you can become a friend/volunteer to an older person, they would have lots of guidance about how to do safely etc. Or do you have any older neighbours who could come around Christmas day?

I have the same feeling OP and often struggle. No family, no dc either though. It will just be DP and I, and he works christmas eve/ day.

I try to put it to one side. After all Christmas is one day and it really brings these things to the fore. Not having a family nags all year but only really stings on days where it feels like everybody else would have theirs.

Life is a lottery, we will always have less than some and more than others. It's no reflection on your value to have less family to see over xmas OP.

MeowyChristmas

Genuinely didn't mean to be. I think we all put so much pressure on ourselves to have the perfect huge family Victorian Christmas, but it isn't always like that. Very few families have a Christmas like that - there's rowing, and trying to please everyone, and people pulled in different directions, and driving round all over the place to not offend someone.

Sharing Christmas with your children can still be special.

ssd I think Christmas can really magnify the issue.

I often see big family groups out celebrating at this time of year and wish I could be part of a crowd of people like that who all seem to like each other - but we have the families we have. Although I'm lucky in that all my close relatives are still alive, mine is pretty dysfunctional. But then I guess so are many other people's and we don't necessarily witness those in the same way.

I think Dowser's advice is sage though and I will try and do a bit more appreciating what I do have this year.

Thanks for that AuntSpiker. And do you have any similarly comforting words for those of us without children? Or is Christmas cheer only for those who have reproduced? Doubtless, you didn’t mean to be harsh there either.

I was responding to my own post which was about spending Christmas with just your children actually, which in turn was in referencing other posts about spending Christmas with your children.

I'm fully aware that Christmas can be difficult. Along with the three parents we've lost in the last 2 years, both of my best friends, my husband's sister and my other parent are also dead ......

I totally understand OP. I blame social media for a lot of it as we are constantly looking at photos etc of large happy family gatherings . I am lucky I have lots of cousins and aunts and uncles but I am sad that my DC have no cousins of a similar age as my only sister has no dc and DH has nephews but they are grown up.

But you obviously didn’t read mine where I said I had no kids AuntSpiker.

My basic point is that you don’t get to be the judge of whether someone else is justified in missing people. For whatever reason. Whether it’s people who have died, or who were never born, or who have gone away, or who have fucked up in some way.

To wade in saying, basically “look on the bright side”, “reframe your thinking and it’ll be fine” or it could be worse, you’ve still got your own kids” is deeply dismissive, crassly insensitive, toxic positivity.

Sadness is a valid human emotion. It is a valuable part of the human experience. Just because you are uncomfortable with sadness, or any other “non-positive” emotion doesn’t mean you are allowed to “reframe” everyone else’s emotions out of existence. You don’t get to sweep aside other people’s lives to make your own more comfortable in such a peremptory and high handed fashion.

It's easy to put on rose tinted glasses now, but part of me always felt disliked by much of my extended family, and now that i don't see them at christmas there's no-one to make snide remarks and make me feel like shit. I've grown to love the just me and the kids thing.

My parents aren't dead and neither are my siblings but they all basically act as though i am, most of the time. None of them cared about my side of the story when i became estranged from my mother so what's the use in wishing they felt differently about me? It's a waste of energy and you can't change people.

Best to just make the best of here and now and focus on what's going right.

Invite friends or neighbours to join you? Do you have a local Good Neighbour scheme who can put you in touch with an elderly person in your community who would otherwise be alone at Christmas?

I have a friend who has no-one, and nowhere to go at Christmas, so we always invite her to ours. It helps her through an otherwise difficult time, we enjoy her company, and it teaches the kids the right sort of Christmas message.

@MeowyChristmas, & OP, hear you, I know what it feels like to be lonely when families are having fun.
And it's not wanting any random company or being invited if someone feels sorry for you.
For years I tried to keep busy when not happy but I still haven't found any better solution.

We will probably meet here again next week.

I understand.

I have a very small family who don't get on well. I've had mh problems most of my life so it's been hard to make friends. I try to be happy with what I have but would love to cook a big dinner for a ton of people and have people over randomly for drinks etc.

I hope all of us can find some peace and cheer this Christmas.

I have grown up ds's and dh, I'm lucky that way

I think you are enermously lucky. My mother and my only sibling are dead, my father and his bidie-in are away on a SAGA cruise over xmas as per, I have very little in the way in the way of extended family, and I’m not married and don’t have kids.

Afraid I agree with @AuntSpiker.

I'm not dissing spending the day with dh and the dcs. I love them more than anything. I just wish there was more of us. Now they are grown, they have lovely girlfriends who both have cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles over at Xmas and it sort of magnifies our lot. We spend all year together, it would be nice to open the door at Xmas to family who want to see us.

Everyone's feelings are valid. I don't think AuntS was saying otherwise, just trying to help ssd see another perspective that might help her a bit.

I don't have DC either, (very much want them), and if I think about my future Xmas's, when all the adults have gone, it's very worrying. So I don't think about it and focus on what I do have in the here and now and how lucky I am.

The big, cosy, jolly family sat around the dinner table with candles burning etc is actually very rare. It's an image mainly created by advertising companies so shops can sell stuff to people wanting to have that kind of Christmas.

You can't change things unfortunately, (unless you want to reach out to your siblings? But guessing they're estranged for good reason), but you can enjoy what you do have. Which is lots! Your children and DH plus any future wives/husbands etc, That's a huge amount to be grateful for and find happiness in.

Try to to think about what you don't have. That way sadness and madness lies.