Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Am I being paranoid or is he cheating ?!

33 replies

Mummyoftwoessex · 15/12/2019 15:27

So my husband has been working with this girl for the past year and he talks about her a lot, saying one of the guys in the office falls out with her as he treats her as a PA and shes not a PA she is HR, when their office opened it was my husband and another man then the HR woman joined and I haven't stopped hearing about her, even to the point it was their work Christmas party on friday and he mentioned a few times shes stressing about what to wear etc... what man who give a sh*t enough about a female colleague saying that that had mention it to me a few times. Went to the Christmas party with him met everyone for the first time, shes obviously a bit tipsy stood their telling us how nice it would be for us to spend more time together without the kids book a hotel etc she must have said this at least 3 times to me and my husband at the same time... first time I've met the woman and we have quiet a few date nights etc, anyway I was like ok shes just drunk didnt think anything of it. Then suspicion got the better of me and I looked through his work phone, theres texts on there from her to him saying where are you, when are you back the other guys have left the office - why would she send that ? Then another one saying where are you his at the pub told her to come down there is free drinks, shes replied oh knew you'd do this where is it I'll come for one. Another occasion his text her moaning about one of the other guys in the office saying hell tell her more later then they arrange to go out for drinks. This is on his work phone and I know I shouldn't be snooping but past experiences have left me untrusting. I haven't had a chance to look at his normal phone but would anyone else be suspicious or am I reading too much into it. The past few months his been ridiculous about work so engaged he hasn't a clue what the kids have going on outside or inside of school never asked about my job or life, I even had a mri and few hospital appointments which he completely forgot about and didnt mention. So we had a chat about a month ago saying he needs to prioritise family over work etc but those messages have got me mega suspicious and now I cant relax.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 15/12/2019 16:15

I don't really think any of those messages imply he is cheating? Does sound like a work friendship. If the office is that tiny it makes sense he mentions her often is she is one of only a few colleagues.

I would say listen to your gut feeling and there is a chance it's more of an emotional affair? But nothing you have said above sounds like they are meeting up and shagging. To me, anyway!

Pogmella · 15/12/2019 16:24

It doesn’t scream affair but they do sound chummy. Does the relationship still feel intimate between you two? If he’s checked out emotionally then that’s a concern I guess.

Betterbegoing · 15/12/2019 16:28

They sound close but not even one of those texts registers as suspicious.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
CoffeeAndCarbs · 15/12/2019 16:34

Nothing suggests cheating but they do seem to be close. I personally wouldn't be comfortable with it but others probably wouldn't bat an eyelid x

beelzeboob · 15/12/2019 16:37

I wouldnt have a problem with this to be honest

WellErrr · 15/12/2019 16:40

Follow your gut.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoessex · 15/12/2019 16:41

This is the main text made me paranoid... these were sent from 6.30pm so he would have no reason to go back to office...

HER - where are you?
When are you back *** is heading out.

HIM - we are in pub come here, free booze.

HER - you gonna come back here or no? Dude your the worst.

HIM - Not my fault! Come meet us.

HER - uh, knew this would happen. I'll come for one.

To me that sounds suspicious as shes sking him when his cooking back to the office as the other guy has left and her saying "uh knew this would happen' your the worst. And why is he saying it's not my fault?

Is it just me reading that wrong... given that those messages were sent out of office hours 6.30-7.30pm.

OP posts:
Greenkit · 15/12/2019 16:48

Was she suggesting he come back to the office for a shag, and he went to the pub and said come here instead.

That's how I read it

rottiemum88 · 15/12/2019 16:49

I don't read anything much into that exchange. Maybe they had some work they were meant to finish and she knew he'd let her down? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Garlicinyoursoul · 15/12/2019 16:52

Does he usually return to the office after people have gone or work late? It’d probably make me uncomfortable that he talks about her a lot.
Why not just say to him that you’re sick of hearing about her and ask him why he always brings her up?

ErickBroch · 15/12/2019 16:57

?? Sorry but that sounds like she was asking if she was going to be alone in the office till the end of the day or he would be coming back - probably wondering who would have to lock the office up?

Nothing about these exchanges are suspicious HOWEVER if you feel he is a crossing a line emotionally by talking about her a lot etc, that is fair for you to feel uncomfortable! But no, those texts sound pretty basic.

Original poster
Mummyoftwoessex · 15/12/2019 16:58

He never goes back to the office or works late, his out quiet a bit with his job but with his job he would not need to go back to the office and he doesnt work alongside anyone she is just the HR girl so their jobs are complete worlds apart that's what made me questing why shes asking him to go back and telling him that the other guy has left...

OP posts:
bottlenose301 · 15/12/2019 17:01

The messages could literally mean anything. Could be some work she needed help with and on her own so felt stitched up. Could be something more suspicious (but if that's the case at least he didn't go back).

bigchris · 15/12/2019 17:04

Whether hes cheating or not he doesnt give a shit about you, your health or the kids if hes no clue whats going on at home

Arnoldthecat · 15/12/2019 17:10

This needs watching. Keep your powder dry and gather/preserve evidence.

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2019 17:11

she is just the HR girl

Not nice OP. She's a woman and HR is a perfectly decent job.

I actually think there's nothing wrong with the messages at all. I've had plenty of exchanges like that with male (and female) colleagues.

You're starting to sound a little unhinged OP. Do you have trust issues?

1moreRep · 15/12/2019 17:14

address why you don't trust him, and his checking out of your relationship. i don't think he's having an affair but the fact you don't trust him is a symptom of a problem in your relationship. these texts seem innocent enough.

ErickBroch · 15/12/2019 17:15

Look, you've had mixed responses. Nothing you keep adding makes a difference that I think the exchanges sound perfectly normal between work friends? You do sound paranoid now.

SmellMySmellbow · 15/12/2019 17:20

None of the above would make me suspicious

Original poster
Mummyoftwoessex · 15/12/2019 17:22

'Just the HR girl' if you read my post you see I mean it as in their jobs are worlds apart, they would never work together they are just in the same office he works solo.

And yes, as I stated in my original post - unfortunately I do have trust issues as I've been with my husband for 16 years and has cheated on me in the past. So forgive me if I sound unhinged but unfortunately being cheated on in the past not everyone can fully let go of and forget. There will forever be a lack of trust to a certain extent because of that.

I just came on here for some advice not to be judged and told what I am coming across as. As I previously mentioned past experiences have left me with trust issues.

Thanks for your advice though 👍

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 15/12/2019 17:25

The messages themselves wouldn’t make me suspicious

I would be hurt and angry that he is at the pub if he is not engaging with you and the kids at home and forgetting about things like your MRI. Do you think that maybe that’s more the problem??

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2019 17:26

past experiences have left me untrusting

Well that’s your issue, not this woman who works with your husband and sends normal if friendly sounding messages.

What happened in the past? Were you’d suspicious correct? Has he cheated before?

ErickBroch · 15/12/2019 17:26

OP I can't see anywhere in your original post about previous cheating? Or past experiences?

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/12/2019 17:43

'Just the HR girl' if you read my post you see I mean it as in their jobs are worlds apart, they would never work together they are just in the same office he works solo.

You're failing to understand that referring to her as "just the HR girl" is quite offensive. You also seem to think you know your husband's job so well. He never goes back to the office. He works late. He never works with "the HR girl". Do you keep him under lock and key also? Does he have to ask permission if he needs to pop back to the office because he forgot something? Or does he not tell you and risks facing your paranoid wrath?

Seriously OP, the more you post, the more it's clear that you have a real problem. Please go and talk to a therapist about this. You need some professional help to work through your issues. Life is too short for you to make yourself (or your husband) unhappy about things that could be resolved with some help.

Betterbegoing · 15/12/2019 22:04

Yea still don’t think it sound suspicious. Sounds like he said he’d do something with her for work and instead went to the pub and she was mildly annoyed but they’re mates so let it go.
Which you need to do too, somehow. Have you had some sort of counselling? Clearly your husband being untrustworthy in the past has left you with issues (unsurprising) and maybe counselling would highlight how best to move forward, either with him or without.