DC of wealthy parents

[Rainingdogsandcats]

DH is a fairly high earner. My question is how do you keep your DC grounded so that they don't become entitled?

We instil a good work ethic in them, and that manners and discipline cost nothing.

If they work hard they get privileges, if they don’t they get punished.

Ds1 (13) does 8 different sporting activities.... ds2 (10) does 6, sport has given them an actively and healthy life skills, social skills and most importantly self discipline and social awareness and communication skills.

@Rainingdogsandcats you seem to place responsibility of your DS’s behaviour with your DH. Where do you fit into this?

Pocket money, ds1 gets £80pcm, however for that he had to empty and fill the dishwasher everyday, keep his bedroom tidy and clean and also hover the stair cases once a week.

Ds2 gets £30 however he never wants or need anything, so we have started putting it into his savings account.

They also get additional pocket money from grandparents, just for being grandkids

I grew up upper middle class and had a lot of nice things and experiences. I'm not particularly grateful to my parents and i dont expect my child and future children to be grateful to me either. I hope to be able to buy houses for all of them, and help them set up their own businesses in their teens.

What i will make absolutely sure of is that they're classless, basically. I have friends from all classes and levels of wealth, and feel equally connected to all of them. I will try to make sure they are on the side of the poor always, and understand the struggles people go through and why. I will teach them about inequality and how it comes about. They will be very involved with doing good works and giving money away. They will understand that £20 is nothing to them but everything to people who are struggling. I aim to teach them how to be business owners that employ others and give them a livelihood.

So basically yes they will be massively spoiled because i spoil myself and my money is their money. But hopefully i can give them the right mindset.

Fwiw, some of my friends from school were extremely spoiled, and two were gifted more than a million by their parents upon leaving school. These ones are extremely grounded and not entitled at all. One was very rooted in WC roots, and the others were involved in charity work from an early age so were well aware of their privilege. None of them are elitist or snobby.

So he has no problem spending money on what he wants ( a flash car), but complains about spending on his children for Xmas?

There's a name for that. And it's not a nice one!

Milomonster I don't have any money so am not in a position to indulge anyone. DH moans that D's attitude is bad, as it is then takes him away and takes him to test drive the next new car.

Dh

yourethechristmascarcass I didn't explain that very well. He dislikes wish lists as he says they're grabby and it's like they treat him like he's Amazon.

What do you class as wealthy parents?

Charity work. Only as an adult have I realised how privileged I was as a child but we always mixed with people from different social backgrounds. My mother was a social worker so that helped.
The values I was taught - there is dignity in all work, that some of the poorest in our society are actually the hardest workers - women carers in particular, that wealth doesn't make you any better than anyone else.
I teach this to my 4 year old - we give to the food bank - she models this in her play and she knows that many of the items I buy (like toys in the sale etc) are not for her, but for us to donate at the supermarket toy collection for children where even though the parents work really hard they haven't been as lucky as mummy so it's nice to share so they can have nice toys too.
I am involved in a local Facebook gifting group and as I drive deliver items to families in need. I take my 4 year old dd with me, some of the accommodation is highly unsuitable for children (or anyone!), it is seeing this that will open her eyes.
I take her to inclusive environments like community cafes which fund charities and she talks to everyone.
I grew up seeing my parents grass roots charity work and it has profoundly impacted me - I went to private school and then Oxford so mixed with the very privileged but am.proud to be work ing in the public sector and feel I am doing good in my career (which is quite well paid).
Also - the value of saving. There is an annual school trip that costs £1,500, my reception child wants to go. Realistically she will receive sufficient birthday and Chrismas money to achieve saving for this by recent of primary - but she will have to save for it.
I will make her get a job as soon as possible, I did shop work from the age of 14 and it did me so much good to meet people from.outside my private school bubble

It depends what you mean by "grounded". If you mean live like people who are not wealthy why is that important?

I'm rich. My DC will never have to worry about feeding or clothing themselves, having a place to live or having to work for money.

They're polite, work hard at school and the older ones volunteer, but realistically they will know what it's like to struggle.

They can do what they love and I'm glad of that. It's why I worked my arse off so they don't have to.

I lived in the Middle East for 10 years and knew the DC of royalty, billionaire oil sheikhs, etc. All of these children were indulged with almost anything they wanted. All of these children were also kind, humble and respectful.

Spoiling children doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ll grow up to be entitled arseholes.

@girlraisedinthesouth
What would you say kept these children kind, humble and respectful? The culture?

I grew up the eldest of 7 children. My dad worked at the colliery but was very high up and we were very comfortable with a large house.
But we only ever holidayed in static caravans or Eurocamp abroad. ChristmAs we only got £100 spent on us a piece. Birthdays £60.
Very grounded my parents are. My dad is a true Yorkshireman and as frugal as they come. Drive a 10 year old estate.
Me and my siblings have all grown up to be very much the same. Very frugal. Not as high earners.

@changedtempforprivacy Yes, definitely a cultural thing. Being humble, respectful and kind are highly regarded in Arabic countries. No matter how wealthy you are.

Thanks @GirlRaisedInTheSouth, I got that impression visiting Arabic countries but don't personally know any families from this background so don't know much about the culture unfortunately

Do not try to keep up with the Jones or what your kids say the Jones’ kids got)

My son attended private school, there were very rich kids, a couple of aristocrat kids and a lot of middle class ones. The more entitled ones where the middle class ones, the other had parents that kept them in check and were so used to their situation they didn’t have any need to over indulge their kids.

I think the real issue here is your husband.

There are no outward shows of ostentation in our family

I went to school with a girl who when I visited her house felt really sorry for her as to me it looked really poor, lots of old brown furniture, rugs on bare floorboards, one huge bathroom, house was freezing. I was talking about this with DM recently and she was laughing saying they were minted, it was a period property, antique furniture and she was really jealous of them. Now that I'm an adult and I know a few very wealthy people, you really wouldn't know by talking to them or looking at them. They don't make any effort to display wealth or have stunt pineapples/mangoes/limes.

We are lucky to have two decent six figure incomes. DSs (14 and 12) have only ever lived in a very large house with land, go to private school etc.

However DH and I are both from very normal working class backgrounds. We work really hard and make sure the DC see that. We are very focussed on the fact that hard work, the right mental attitude and kindness are essential in life. Everyone has to muck in the keep the household running smoothly - feeding animals, walking dog, doing laundry, tidying, doing stuff in the garden, bringing wood in etc. We don't buy "stuff" for them for the sake of it. Of course if they need new shoes etc we buy them but toys, books, branded clothing etc are all strictly birthdays and Christmas only (we do go to the library regularly before anyone pounces on that).

We also talk to them about the fact that they have a lifestyle that most others simply don't have because we are very conscious that independent school means they're in a bubble.

Its tricky.

@Rainingdogsandcats do you not have access to any money?

mymadworld I don't work so DH gives me housekeeping per month. For birthdays and Christmas DH gives me his credit card or debit card.

“They have helped out with charity work from a young age and we ensure they have a well rounded “life education”.”

This is all well and good as long as life education means interacting with people from different circumstances as equals, not viewing them solely as recipients of your bounty.

There is a very marked difference in behaviour amongst the wealthy kids heading for the more exalted private schools in our area, to that of the friends of my Dc who have wealthy parents who go to the comprehensive school.

Clue: one lot talk about people as ‘peasants’ the others don’t.

Send them to Scouts or other clubs that are outside a private school setting. Keep up friendships with a range of families. Don’t define yourselves socially by wealth bracket. Talk to them about the systems that enable the rich to get richer and vice versa.

Avoid ostentatious spending for the sake of it: talk about need and functionality when you discuss purchases.

Oh, sorry, I am way behind.

Yes, you have a DH problem.

Money = power, control and status for him.

And that is an unhealthy attitude that he will pass on and he has not been treating you as an equal. ‘Housekeeping ‘ allowance , ‘his’ credit card

You get housekeeping money? What is this, 1935? You have a serious bad, bad husband problem.

Also shocked to read about your family and money set up.

@NameChangedNoImagination

I aim to teach them how to be business owners that employ others and give them a livelihood.

That attitude couldn’t be more feudal if you tried.