Nightmare teenager, can anyone relate? When does it get better?

[TeenageNightmare1]

DS turned 13 a couple of weeks ago. He's in Y8.
At primary school he was popular, well loves, a kind, caring, lovely, sweet kid.

Year 7 was not great.

Year 8 and he's a fucking nightmare. My head hurts tonight, I shouted. I've had enough.

I get emails or calls from the school once a week.

He was found with a lighter. (We don't smoke, he said he found it on the play ground floor).
He's disrupting the class.
He's doing infantile things with friends, hiding during drama.
He's disrupting the class.
He's not doing the task in hand.
He's distrusting the class.
He walked out a class and missed most of the next lesson.

The school give detention.
I have taken his phone awake for 1 week at a time.
He's been grounded, 1 week at a time.

He has a hobby that he's obsessed with but involves being outside practicing for hours (he's basically semi pro) and he's painfully gutted to miss this when grounded.

But all the sanctions don't work.

After the last two things, truanting and finding a lighter, he's grounded for a month.

Because I want an improvement in behaviour I said for every week he has no bad behaviour, he can lose 3 days off his month grounding. He could effectively cut it in half if he's smart.

That was 3 days ago.

I've had two emails since about bad behaviour.

He ALWAYS denies it. The teachers hate him, he wasn't even there, it was his friend, I don't remember that. What?! When?! I wasn't even there etc etc etc

He was bullied in Y7 so switched a lot of classes. He swore his behaviour would improve if he switched classes. He admits he's no longer bullied but still acts up.

He had a tantrum today after I took his phone off him for good (he was allowed it while we were at work, he can now rely on the landline for emergencies) smashed up his advent calendar and said he wanted to mill himself.

He sees a counsellor at school and I'm calling a private one on Friday.

Help....?

I know others have suffered because TeenageNightmare was already taken for a username!

((Hug)) you are doing all the right things! I teach a bottom set year 8 with a few similar lads, you are so not alone! When it comes to school work can you help him engage positively? What topics is he doing? Is there a related documentary you could watch together? Are there assessments coming up? Can you quiz him (loads of stuff on bbc bitesize.) is it possible there is some undiagnosed sen going on making him struggle? Take every opportunity to reward success and hard work as well as sanction the undesirable stuff.

Is he being influenced by a “bad crowd”?

I don’t have a teenager yet, but as an awful teenager I have experience. I found it was about pushing boundaries. I wanted to be put in line but my mum never stuck to her word. So I just constantly pushed the boundaries to see how far I could go.

Eventually around 15/16 I just stopped. Like a switch flicked and I didn’t want to be that person anymore.

I still wish my mum done more. Only advice I can give you is to be strict, follow through on all consequences. Oh my mum used to “throw me out” to my dads which was absolutely awful so I don’t advise that. It’s hard, I sympathise!

Not the lighter or the walking out of class, but my DS did the rest. I used similar sanctions to you but they didn’t seem to work. A couple of months before he turned 14, something clicked and he grew up practically overnight. He still struggles to focus in class at times but he’s doing brilliantly now and I’m so proud of him. I’d say you just need to keep doing what you’re doing consistently until it sinks in

What's he like at home? Could you try spending some time re-connecting? I know you don't want to treat him but is there some way of spending some time together and reminding him how much you love and support him.
There is usually a 'reason' behind any behaviour but it's possible could be just hormones x

Sorry about your trouble.i am very blunt and to the point if you hand out a punishment see it through. Again sorry for been so blunt.

He's bloody lovely at home! Back to the lovely lad I love and adore.

Just a little sodd at school.
He has no SEN, he just doesn't.

I'm glad to hear it's normal, I'm worried that the light won't switch and he will get worse and end up with no GCSE's.

Are you 100% he doesn't have adhd? He sounds like my son to a t.

Many, many children with adhd are fine at primary if they have skilled and supportive class teachers who can keep them focused and on task, but fall apart at secondary.

PS I was also adamant my son didn't have adhd but thay was due to my own misconception about what adhd actually is and looks like.

In my limited experience of boys (I have two) 13 to 14 is the age they go absolutely doolally. (Year 9 was the nadir for both of mine so things may get worse before they get better!) As others have said, mine - after pretty bad, disruptive behaviour in one case, and feeling very low and being on ADs in the other - just very suddenly got back to their old selves. They’re both delightful now (nearly 17 and 15).

One thing I would say though is that he sounds quite sad. The bullying may have affected him more than you think, perhaps? If you can afford it, find a counsellor who he trusts (I found a relatively young man for DS2, but someone with good solid qualifications who specialises in adolescents) and throw money at regular sessions. It’s expensive but I think it was a big part of the reason DS2 got his mojo back - I know he said things to his therapist he’d have been very reluctant to say to me or his dad.

Also don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s normal for kids this age to be a bit gruff or self-involved - save the sanctions for things that really cross a line (are you clear in your own head where the lines are? If not, decide and stick to them - mine was genuine rudeness, to us or anyone else, and I told DS1 so that he understood.) I let quite a lot of low-level stuff go - if he didn’t hand in homework and got a detention, I saw that as his problem.

With DS1 I tried to make sure he really knew I was fundamentally on his side. Occasionally I would speak up for him if I thought the school had overreacted, even though he obviously was being a little scrote a lot of the time. Tried to be calm and loving at home unless he’d really pushed my buttons.

It’s a lot like having a toddler - keep calm, know your boundaries, follow through on sanctions, try to catch them being good and give praise wherever you can, and know that this too will pass. It feels like you’re pushing through a strong headwind but suddenly one day the clouds part and with a bit of luck they come back to you!

@sundaynightflight I think your right, my son went from being a lovely boy to hard work once in year 7/8 I put it down to my marriage breakdown, he was permanently excluded, got in a gang of other excluded boys ( this was where he was happy). There was police involved and the youth offenders confirmed he had ADHD I knew very little about this then) he was given medication which helped he was in and out of court for 2 years. I loved and supported him, set rules, kept to them. It was very very hard. Yes like a toddler as someone said, he now is a lovely adult and the troubles are behind me but it was very hard. Keep loving him, be on his side, be firm but don't make his home life unhappy ( iyswim) I really feel for you. Also don't hid it in real life from those who can support you but also don't let others see him as a bad boy. So hard

Huge sympathies from here.
I have 4 kids.. the other three were average teens..a bit moody and horrible at times but no major issues.
DS1 however... the memories make me shudder.
He was just as you are describing. He was excluded for fighting , he did all manner of disruptive and utterly stupid stuff, and we had a few conversations with the police(all low level stupid things with his mates, nothing serious)... this was all year 9-11.

On top of that his temper was awful (he punched holes in dors etc). it was someone had taken my lovely gentle lad and replaced him with an evil twin. I remember saying to dh that if he stayed like this he would have to leave at 18 because I couldn't live like that.

Then he turned 16, got an evening job, was away from his idiot friends..and became human again. It was virtually an overnight switch!

Two things helped I think...

1. DH and I had to be consistent in our responses. Grounding didn't work so we went for the grey rock approach and when he was awful, treated him like a guest ,polite but refused to argue with him when he was spoiling for an argument and relentlessly cheerful. you may have this yet to come...

2)Excellent staff at school. He was basically a ball of raging hormones for a couple of years, and having a head of year who liked him and knew he wasn't really awful, helped SO much.

Now he's 26, engaged to a lovely aussie and about to go to Australia on a couples visa, and it's almost impossible to imagine he could ever have been such a vile teen. He's the lovely, funny, kind person he was as a child!
He says he has no idea why he was so awful and he's glad we stuck through it!

It will pass ...

Dd is 14 and in y9. Someone I barely know at work asked me yesterday how she was and before I could stop myself, I found myself crying.. (Poor horrified colleague). Y7 wasn't great, y8 worse, y9, aaagh! She too is lovely at home, but the minute she is with peers becomes a total git. I've tried sanctions, tough love, nice mummy, screaming banshee, nagging witch. Nothing working yet. She promises the next day will be different and then I get an email... no answers, just another mum here in solidarity, hoping for the turnaround

We had this at 15,ds just loved being the class clown and chatterbox 🙄

We had a meeting with his teacher who emailed me weekly and gave me an update on his behaviour, IF it was good he could earn his hobby for the week ( more positive than losing it we thought) if not then he didn't go .

It worked very quickly. No shouting or arguing, just sat down and told him this wasn't acceptable and we weren't prepared to pay for a hobby when he wasn't doing the basics at school and basics come before hobbies -ds was also excellent, it was a really big thing in his life.

Good luck!

I have two boys, I think I've written on here before about the eldest, he's 21.
Spent most of his pre teen and teenage years worrying about him (still do to a certain degree)
I went to see my GP so many times, in tears at one point, who referred us to Camhs, they have been involved twice,
(not much help there unfortunately, all I ever wanted was an assessment done, never happened, just provided me with details of parenting courses in the area)
as have the Police, and other agencies.

He stole from Dh, me and younger brother.
I would even go on to say he is a compulsive liar. He doesn't seem to know he's doing it.
Things that happened at school, Home, outside the home, ie stealing cars, push bikes etc were never his fault, he wasn't there, wasn't him etc etc although he was shown evidence.

Leaving school and getting a job, doing something he enjoys, (he's been there 3 years now) has helped, he useless with money though, as soon as he's paid, it's gone, god knows on what tho.. weed at one point until his boss told him he'd brought a drug testing kit!!
And all though things are not perfect by far, I can see a small light at the end of the tunnel, it might not get any bigger, but he has 'grown up' if that's the right word, a little.

Sorry, not much help really
Just another mum here who has a rough idea of what you're going through, and a hand hold.

OP. Just to let you know there is a Teenagers board under Being a Parent that has a 'support thread' for people struggling with their teens.

Can you get the school to put him on 'report' where he gets a card signed by every teacher after every lesson then has to show it to HOY or SLT at the end of each day?

Just thinking aloud ... if he's lovely at home, why punish him there? Let home be a respite from his school where he is obviously struggling with something. By all means support the school with their behaviour policy but if he's a lad that needs to be outdoors, I wouldn't be stopping him doing his sport.

At this age, young lads need a strong male role model. Has he got one in his life?

I've tried sanctions, tough love, nice mummy, screaming banshee, nagging witch. Nothing working yet. She promises the next day will be different and then I get an email...

THIS. Exactly this!!!!

He has Tourette's and supposedly 50% of children with tics have ADHD.

DS2 has tics and is being investigated for ADHD (he's 9) and he so very obviously has ADHD.
DS1 is the opposite, so chilled he's horizontal. Doesn't struggle in the way that DS2 does, was thriving during primary, excelled at certain subjects such as maths.

At this age, young lads need a strong male role model. Has he got one in his life?

Yes, my husband. His father.

He has Tourette's and supposedly 50% of children with tics have ADHD

And you didn't think to mention this in your OP?

All my sympathy OP, and just one thought-

I wouldn't ever punish a boy like this by keeping him away from a healthy, much loved hobby, especially one which keeps him outside.

I have seen kids whose sanity and even lives have literally been saved by hobbies like this. It is SO easy for teenagers to change and give up much loved activities at this age, and the result is plumetting self-esteem, more time doing horrible on-line activities, fewer friends, worse health (mental and physical). I would (slyly, so he doesn't pick up your intention) do anything I can to nurture his interest in his hobby.

He does sound like he is having a hard time, and of course it is terrible for you.

Sorry to hear this teenager stage is difficult they are raging with hormones up one minute down the next desperate to fit in and make friends so if making people laugh achieves it he will do it. If he has separate issues it will be even harder sure there's some great advice on here to try I tried it all it didn't get better till in 20's but I know aggression yelling etc achieved nothing and if you shout they want to prove they can shout louder so even tho it may be hard try to keep calm

The struggle is real.

And you didn't think to mention this in your OP?

No I did not. He went through CAHMS when he was 10 and had significant tests for various things, dyspraxia and others.

He doesn't have ADHD, and you took that comment out of context of the rest of my post.
Your post was abrupt and unhelpful.

I wouldn't ever punish a boy like this by keeping him away from a healthy, much loved hobby, especially one which keeps him outside.

No I don't usually. That's why I only ground for a week at a time because I really really don't want him to lose out on his hobby.
Also why I wanted him to earn his time back with good behaviour.
I'm also grateful that it's raining here, he wouldn't be able to do his hobby anyway.

We are very very supportive of his hobby and encouraging. It's not something I want to take away at all.
I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.