Being verbally abused and intimidated at school drop off and pick up

[alfieum]

My child started a new school in September and I've found the mothers quite hostile, but I've not thought much of it.

Last week at drop off I was saying to my child, who has been getting a bit anxious before school 'If anyone hits you, tell a teacher'. A woman I'd never even noticed called me a 'stupid fucking bitch'. I thought best to ignore it, as she looked like she would like the drama of a response.

I've now noticed that she's been glaring at me and 'fronting' at me all week. I think this have been going on a while but I'd never really picked up on it because.. I didn't know she existed.

At drop off today she was audibly bad mouthing me to other parents and staring at me again in a way that if I looked at her, she'd take it as permission to start a fight. It was really intense and left me shaking.

I asked another mother I know, who confirmed that yes this woman is bad mouthing me and being aggressive ton the point pf other people telling her to 'Just leave it'. I've never even made eye contact with this woman before, never mind spoken to her.

I'm now in a really awkward position as I don't want to inflame the situation, but I'm also quite worried that this might escalate if I don't do something.

Has this happened to anyone else or does anyone have any suggestions. I will contact the school but feel if they mention it to her it might make things worse.

She sounds a right charmer. I would totally ignore her and not engage with her on any level. Any other mum worth knowing won't pay any attention to the crap she spouts. I think it's best to keep other school parents at arms length.

Contact the school OP and let them know everything she has done and what you have been told tonight by your friend. She is attempting to bully you.

Also, teach your child that if someone hurts them they should say very loudly “don’t hit/nip/punch/kick me again [other child’s name]” Loud enough so everyone around them, including teacher/classroom assistant can hear it and will be aware that a hurting incident has just happened and who was involved. Then, if possible, they need to go to the adult straight away and state what happened. But it’s important they draw attention to it as it happens. Every time. So the teacher can see the pattern.

Don’t engage with the mother at all. Remove all her power by dealing only with the school.

Do speak or email the year head / deputy)
/ Headteacher.
Behaviour like that is not acceptable in the school grounds.

We have a code of conduct for parents mainly due to FB horribleness but it covers parental behaviour at school.
The woman is not required to like you but she shouldn't be abusing you like this.

• way better than! I am not intending to say retaliation is good!

Deal with the school directly. Preferably in person instead of by email as I think it gives the impression you take this seriously.

Thanks for all the advice, thought I'd update.

I went it to school this morning and they were fairly sympathetic. I said I would rather they didn't mention it to her and that I would like a note made of this made in case it escalates. There is no parent behavior policy on the website so I asked if one could be written and shared in the end of year newsletter, if there wasn't one already. The head was a bit vague about the existence of one so lets see.

They did say confronting her would pour fuel on the fire, so they were happy this wasn't what I wanted. I get the feeling they might have a lot of dealings with her as they seemed a bit weary when I mentioned her name.

I took DH with me to drop off and funnily enough she and her group were not making a scene like yesterday. In terms of ignoring her - I have never ever looked in her direction and don't intend too. I'm hoping she get's bored. In terms of the other mum's who have been rolling eyes as I pass or tutting, I can only assume she's said something a bit worse then I'm encouraging my dd to tell teachers if boys hit her, but it's not something worth thinking about.

I'm really hoping this is the end of this but I'm also looking in to another school locally for next September. After one term we have had a scooter stolen, my child needing medical attention and day off school after being hurt by a child and now this. It points to a culture that I don't think is all that pleasant and is probably being guided by the attitudes of the parents.

I'm also looking in to another school locally for next September. After one term we have had a scooter stolen, my child needing medical attention and day off school after being hurt by a child and now this. It points to a culture that I don't think is all that pleasant and is probably being guided by the attitudes of the parents.

I’d say you’re right tbh.

Yeah it’ll be because her kid has been in trouble for hitting other kids, and she obviously thinks he should get away with it!

You’ve done the right thing talking to School op. Hopefully after the Christmas break she’ll have turned her attention elsewhere.

Sounds like you are wise to look for another school. All the things you have listed plus these horrible parents - sounds like a right rough place. Just think how nice it will be if you find somewhere where you can even be friendly with some parents!

Further update - I went to collection yesterday and the class teacher asked if I could go to the head. When I got there the other mother was in her office crying. She stormed out glaring at me and then I went in. The head then said that she claimed I have been targeting her and she said what she did because I was using conversations with my DD to attack her. So many people on this thread were right!

As I said before I hadn't even noticed her until the moment she swore at me and even after just tried to let it go. The fact I didn't go to the school straight away counts against me and they have said they need to take her perception into account. So they are now saying I have bullied her. This is really upsetting as I am a quiet person who keeps themselves to themselves, I would never bully someone and I and would no way want the attention of this quite frightening woman.

They have said to her she needs to approach me professionally if she has any issues. I said have you asked her to stay away from me and they said they can't do that. I then said I am worried about escalation and they said they are too and can I get someone else to collect my child.

Long and the short of it I'm looking at an in year transfer and think the school have made this so much worse. All I wanted was a link to a parent behaviour policy sending out. Now they have said she is partly justified swearing at me and threatening me and that they can't guarantee I'm safe on school premises.

I didn't do drop off today as I'm working so now dreading next week.

Oh that's not fun.
Go looking at other schools.

Ugh. I hate mothers like her. She knows what shes doing and her child is obviously following in mothers footsteps. As you're not a confrontational person, I'd say stay well out of her way and look right through her whilst you handle this transfer thing. Do not tell any other parent what you're doing because word will get back to her. Hopefully your DD (?) is still reporting any incidents to her teachers so they can (if they cba) build up a behaviour intervention report.

I’ve been in a similar situation op - not involving dc though. An adult woman antagonist who took against me and behaved appallingly towards me while painting herself as a victim.
The truth is- just like bullies at school, no one wants to deal with them, because they are relentless.
If you live a normal life with normal relationships it has a negative impact on you. If - like these women - you lead a shit life with shit relationships it’s normal to you and it’s never ending ... that’s why you can’t win.
Move schools and don’t look back.
And remember- it’s not your fault. You can’t control how other people behave.

I think you should report the school for the way they are dealing with this:

No matter which one of you they choose to believe, someone and their child is at risk.

I would be so, so angry if the school acted this way with me. Surely they can't expect you to never have contact with your child's school again? Can you get any witnesses to vouch for you? They haven't sent you the parent behaviour policy so they can't claim you have acted badly.

They're doing what always happens. They cant deal with the bully because that's difficult. She is more dangerous than you so they won't take measures against her. Its simply easier to ask the nice parent to stay away, so they dont have to deal with the aggressive one.

I think you need to take your complaint to tour local authority/governors. And ask the head teacher is telling your daughter "if someone hits you then tell the teacher" was wrong. Because that's all you did. They will know that your daughter had previously been hit and was worried, all you did was respond to her worry. Dont let the school bully you. I know you'll be moving school, but dont let them bully you into silence on the way.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this position, op. It must feel quite literally like being back at school again.

I think if it hadn't escalated in this fashion I'd suggest hanging in there and ignoring her.
But perhaps now I'd agree with moving schools or perhaps pushing her under a school bus.

Now they have said she is partly justified swearing at me and threatening me and that they can't guarantee I'm safe on school premises.

I would report the school for this and, if you do feel intimidated or harassed by her, log it with 101. It seems ridiculous to have to do but the school are not supporting and this woman behaviour is a concern.

I would also look for another school ASAP.

So sorry this is happening OP. Bullies like this bully everyone, and get away with it because everyone is afraid of them, as they have no boundaries. I suffered three years of bullying from one person in a social group, everybody supported me in theory but not one person would speak up. I would say your only option is to move schools - the current one sounds like it has some dog rough parents there so it will be no great loss. Best of luck.

People on this thread are right, they are taking the easy way out because she causes so much trouble.

DH thinks that the other mum will leave me alone now but I don't want to risk it. It's not even that I think she will hit me, as I don't think she's that stupid , it's more that she will be threatening and fronting again.

Yes I really feel like I'm at school! This other mother is about twenty years younger then me. For her school was only a few years ago and think she's still in that mindset, but to me school is a lifetime ago.

Also so glad I'm not on social media because I'm sure she will have been posting about this on the school WhatsApp and Facebook. I've heard this is her MO when complaining about the school. Crossing fingers the other school accept us, just waiting for the forms from the local authority now.

Wow.

It sounds like they are massively intimidated by her as well! What injustice!

I think you are right to take your child out of this school and I would also make an official complaint of how this has been handled. I'm not sure who would be best to complain to though? Maybe someone on this thread can advise. I bet you are so angry!

Fucking hell!! They actually told you to get someone else to drop off and collect your child from school?? rather than them nipping it in the bud right now! How pathetic a school they are. This tells you everything you need to know about their bullying policy. It isn’t worth the paper it was written on. Move your child ASAP. She won’t be protected from bullies there.

I would be taking the school's cowardice and ineptitude over this further (governors, LA?), as well as getting my daughter out of there at the first opportunity.

That school is dealing with this so badly, I'm really shocked. I really feel for you, op, as I think you are right about this young mother seeing it all as an extension of her own school experience, so that's such a nasty approach. The school really need to step up properly on this one and I hope you get the opportunity to tell them how much they have let you down. I do think you're right to move school, though. Also absolutely right not to look at social media, for your own sanity!

This is exactly how schools deal with bullies in my experience. Victims are told to stay away. They are told to go play a different game with other boys and girls or go to the other side of the playground if the bully is harassing them. My son (and the majority of his class) were bullied relentlessly by a teacher's son. She had worked there previously and had grown up and gone to school with a lot of the teachers who were locals (small town) and he got away with everything. I mean, who's going to bring their bestie and drinking buddy in for an official meeting about their child's bad behaviour and be serious about it? No, it's easier to remove the victims than to deal with the bullying. The head once told me to stop my child mentioning what his bully did that day. When I asked for clarification, she said, "You need to cut him off when he starts. Change the subject and stop making it a thing. You know, making an issue of it"

I never asked my son. It was always him that brought it up because it was very relevant to him. But I was to shut him up complaining about it.

I wish I had recorded that shit.

OP, good luck in the new school. Make a formal complaint. This is a terrible way of dealing with a confrontational, nasty, abusive parent making a scene at school. SHE should have been asked to stay away, not you.