Sex is no longer enjoyable after having a baby.

[Lafoosa]

Me and my partner had our first child 19 months ago and the whole pregnancy and labour was as smooth as anything. No problems at all apart from slight grazing in labour which made it very very painful to use the toilet after birth.
Anyway, since about 2 weeks before giving birth sex hasn't been good for me at all, it's either painful or I actually can't feel anything at all. I'm pregnant again now and still hate sex, the whole pregnancy I haven't had any kind of sex drive, I have to force myself to do it for my OH's sake.
I hate all foreplay and when he touches me I get flinchy and end up pulling my whole body away. The thought of foreplay stresses me out and puts me off the entire thing, which I usually don't even want anyway.
I don't know why though, it's not like I've had anything traumatic happen to make me no longer like it or ever desire it and it's made my relationship difficult because he knows I only have sex for his sake and literally never orgasm or even feel good from it. It's not even that he's bad at it, I just can't get in the mood even while we're doing it.

How do I fix it? I don't really want to go to a doctor as I'm not comfortable talking to a doctor about it.

Well firstly, stop forcing yourself to have sex when you don’t want to.

Do you still find your dh attractive? How is your relationship generally?

Are you still breastfeeding? I found it painful when breastfeeding and had no libido at all but got it back immediately when stopped each time (3 kids).

Same. I'm a bit of the opinion that it's an evolutionary thing. I'd never have sex again, but my husband is of the opinion that sex=love and I do it to make him feel loved.

I hate it.

@olivehater yeah, still breastfeeding and 38 weeks pregnant. Looks like I'll be breastfeeding for at least another year now though. Hoping to also pump this time so maybe that'll help.

@LeekMunchingSheepShagger
Yeah I still find him attractive and our relationship is pretty good, apart from the lack of a sex life.

@BoswellSolver my partner doesn't feel loved unless we have sex either, and I'd feel bad if he felt like I didn't love him 🙈

I totally understand the hating foreplay thing, I loathe it now just want to get sex over and done with. It's not a loss of sensation for me, rather than years of built up resentment have killed my attraction for DP. Maybe it would be worth talking to a doctor about the pain, it may be something fixable.

I think the breastfeeding explains it. Pumping makes no difference. It’s the hormones. Seriously the second I stopped it was like a light switching back on. For me it was one of the main reasons I stopped each time. Breast fed them all just over a year. Depend how much it bothers you but I would consider attempting to stop it it is becoming an issue for you.

Maybe look up a women's physio? X

When I was pregnant with DD literally the full pregnancy I couldn't think of anything worse than having sex. I was never in the mood & when DP tried to initiate i still had no interest in it when before being pregnant it was great! After having DD took around 6-8 months for me to properly enjoy it again (didnt have any tearing etc in birth either to put me off). Happens to lots of people I think, few of my friends were also in the situation, nothing to be worried about I would say x

Could it be to do with the fact that sex leads to babies, but you've already got a baby and another one would jeopardize the first?

Agree @something2say, not to mention the fact your body becomes a 'thing to be used' by another human (the baby) and you are being with, touching, being touched ALL THE TIME and honestly, sex just feels like another fucking person who needs your body for some reason.

I sometimes wish I could be a brain in a jar for the young years, I'd control my body with a remote. Put the jar somewhere dark and quiet, maybe with radio 4 on.

I think it's a sort of animal instinct thing. Women are here to reproduce. Once we do then we don't want sex until the next time we want to reproduce.

Men just want sex all the time.

Plus when you have a baby using your body for milk and another growing inside you, you probably see your DH as someone else who needs your body for something.

I'd love it if I could go just one day without someone else touching me.

Do you have actual loss of sensation, I.e.if you check you can’t feel yourself touching? On the outside of the vulva and/or the vagina? If yes, that suggests serious nerve damage. I had that because of a herniated disc which developed a complication called cauda equina and the nerve has taken months to recover.

@something2say I don't think it's that because I'm pregnant already (38 weeks)

Exactly. You are pregnant. The need to do the getting pregnant thing ie have sex is negated right now, and to help safeguard you, your body is giving off huge dont touch me signals?

Are you breastfeeding? That can have a massive impact on sex drive.

Sorry just RTFT. It's definitely the feeding.

I understand that you care for your husband and want him to feel loved, but you do love him! I think I’m healthy relationships the whole ‘conjugal rights’ idea still looms strong, and you need to question that. Have you talked to him about how unpleasant it is for you? If he’s a decent human, he will not expect you to go through the motions when it’s painful. I think you need to talk about how he can feel loved without you having to do things with your body that you hate. It sounds like you are building up such a negative association and that will be difficult to undo if it continues for years.

Also agree with what others have said about being touched out, bf hormones etc playing a part. Talk to him about it and question any idea that this is some role you have to fulfil. Why?

Yep it's the feeding! The hormones kill your libido

It’s the breastfeeding! It must be hormones but as others have said it was like a light switch for me- as soon as I stopped I wanted to do it again. It literally made me hate all touch that wasn’t from the baby (or from baby and toddler second time). I would cringe when DH came near me. I can only imagine it’s something to do with nature making sure you don’t get pregnant again too soon.

First off, you and your DH need to talk. Maybe with a therapist. The thing is, the longer you have sex you dint want, just to appease him, the harder it will be for you it want sex again. Sex is turning into a chore, an obligation, something to dread. It will not get better like this. I find it hard to understand how any loving partner can WANT to have sex with their partner when a) it causes them pain and b) they desperately don't want to be doing it. That's not love making. It's using you as a masterbatory tool. You need to properly work on this. And it will involve a period of not having sex. If he can't deal with this then you have bigger problems than a lack of libido.

Also just realised you are 38 weeks pregnant. As in full term!!! Most people don’t want to have sex then!!!’

@BoswellSolver are you currently pregnant or BF as well?

Sorry if TMI but is it the lack of sensation or being touched out that you hate? My DD is 3yo and I'm still no where near back to normal. It feels like it might as well be someone else's body when we DTD because I just try to zone out now.

Both. There is just no feeling of pleasure when touched, and I hate the whole event.

I'm not a naturally maternal person, so the act of mothering very demanding, emotional, touchy kids drains me of almost all human feeling. I'm basically a robot now, and occasionally a sex robot to keep DH from getting bloody hurt feelings.

Not pregnant, not BFing, just a very cold woman 😅