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Original poster

When is enough enough? Boundaries need to be put in place

29 replies

samm16 · 04/12/2019 18:27

Please can we get some advice in here! When is enough enough and how can you put boundaries in place and make someone stick to them?

Basically there has been an ongoing issue for a while where my OH will watch pornography, even when I’m in the house but doesn’t fuss about being intimate with me. From early on he said that this has been throughout all relationships after the ‘new and exciting’ period ends and it isn’t a big deal to him. We had a blow up a short while ago as I confronted him about the porn whisky in was in the house and a though it was an awful night of him commenting we’d passed a bridge we can’t come back from as I was invading his privacy again he came around and we sorted it... I felt a lot better as he acknowledged the issue and said he’d try and not watch or given it was impacting us.

Today... I’ve come home and he’s locked in the bathroom again and I know that it’s reverted back to the issue...

We are getting married (and I expect to get the usual comments) but I just want to know how you deal with this as I’m just worried about getting the same comments of good much has happened between us to move forward’ which I know hell say. This is the standard to get me to back down but I genuinely love him and our relationship is amazing taking away the issue above so even though many people would say just don’t put up with it I don’t want to lose anything and I’m hoping there’s someone there who can advise a way to approach this again when he can be very stubborn when he is in the wrong.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2019 18:31

Your sex life is rubbish and he has zero concern for your needs or feelings. Your relationship is not "amazing."

Marrying him is utter madness.

IndecentFeminist · 04/12/2019 18:34

How is it amazing? I can't think how it could be amazing enough to make up for this attitude etc

Funnyface1 · 04/12/2019 18:59

This is a big issue though. Everything you've described sounds far from amazing and you're not even married yet. Think seriously before you commit years to this.

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Relationship problems

pinkyredrose · 04/12/2019 19:01

This will be your life if you marry him.

MrsMaiselsMuff · 04/12/2019 19:03

I'm fine with porn but him going off to knock one out in the bathroom whilst you're there is about as disrespectful as can be.

He doesn't give a shit about you. I know that's not what you want to hear, but you're trying to minimise his actions as "porn", when really it's that he has no respect at all for you.

BertieBotts · 04/12/2019 19:04

You can't discuss things with him, don't marry him!!

If you're having to ask how to make someone stick to things, the relationship is not healthy. It won't just be about porn, it will be other issues as well.

You asked how people deal with this - they don't. This is honestly intolerable in a marriage. When my husband and I have different views on something we discuss it until we arrive at a place we are both genuinely happy with. That's not pie in the sky, that's a real, healthy, adult relationship. Someone refusing to discuss things like this is not, and you will be unhappy if you marry him. It doesn't matter how good everything else is if you don't have that mutual respect and consideration and willingness to communicate.

Sprinklemetinsel · 04/12/2019 19:09

This is early days. How will you feel when it's been going on years and he still doesn't care that you hate it?

Why would you marry him? Years of a bad sex life down the line, you'll really regret it.

blablablabla123 · 04/12/2019 19:11

When people get married their charactor doesn't change, you just get more of the same behaviour. Do you want to be married to a man that does this or not? If he could change he already would have. You can state your own boundaries to him but its not possible to make someone stick to them. Thats the whole point in boundaries, they are yours and you stick to them.

Im sorry that this isn't what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

TuttiCutie · 04/12/2019 19:22

Your relationship isn't "amazing".

He won't change.

If you marry him we'll see you on here in 1 year, 3 years, 5 years... same old same old...

at some point you'll be complaining on here that he's wanking off to porn in the loo while you're in another room with your kids.

Grim.

Butterymuffin · 04/12/2019 19:29

So he basically says that if he has to give up his porn use, there's no future for you? Listen to him. He's saying porn is more important than you. There's no way to reconcile that with getting married. What it is is an effective way to get you to back down. Either way, you have to call his bluff and agree that you don't have a future and will have to call off the wedding.

Longfacenow · 04/12/2019 19:33

This is the absolute best of him OP as you're not even married and he has quit the team.

It's not a good idea to marry him.

Pepperwand · 04/12/2019 19:43

Boundaries have been put in place, your completely reasonable boundaries. He's ignoring them and you certainly can't make him stick to them so what are you going to do next? You either accept that this is the person you're marrying or you respect your own boundaries and call off the wedding.

I know it must be awful to hear, but this is not a healthy adult relationship. He sounds like a grubby teenager! You ask when is enough enough.....well, that's for you to decide but there is no way in hell I'd marry someone like this.

mclover · 04/12/2019 19:44

There needs to be consequences for his actions - that's the only way to install boundaries.

sa186mn · 04/12/2019 19:59

Yes, to be honest in the past anytime I’ve done that and stood my ground it’s worked out as I’m usually too worried about arguing as I don’t feel much of a strong character. I understand I’m getting a lot of it wouldn’t do this and it’s grim’ etc but it’s really hard when you’re in that situation and I suppose that’s why I’ve come here.

PizzaExpressWoking · 04/12/2019 20:04

I'm really sorry, OP, but this is not someone to build a life with. I really am sorry.

He knows he is making you unhappy and he doesn't care. He cares more about wanking off to porn than he does about your happiness. This will continue as long as you are with him.

sa186mn · 04/12/2019 21:57

Can I ask if anyone has been in a similar situation? Even coming close to it or had experience with dealing with partners who watch porn when it impacts their relationship?

AnyFucker · 04/12/2019 21:59

You are hoping to change him

Said every deluded woman ever....

Smallnmighty · 04/12/2019 22:47

@sa186mn - yup, I have been in a similar situation. Started off the odd bit of porn (which he knew I didn't like - and I get that some people do, but some don't). Then a few years later our then crawling baby found a stash of porn DVDs under a cupboard. All the apologies, I'm sorry...blah blah blah. Then it was sex phone lines, web cams, internet etc etc.

It continued, it affected our sex life - it affected our WHOLE life - he started acting out things he'd watched, got sulky if I didn't want, blamed me for being frigid, and then became more abusive and violent. And things just went from bad to worse, he had a full addiction to porn by the time we divorced. Thank God we did divorce, our 'relationship' destroyed me, and years post-divorce I still have issues.

And sexually I'd been to hell and back, including anal rape. I was so worn down by his bullying, nagging, coercion that I did a lot of things I really didn't want to do just for a quiet life - how fucked up is that?

I think some people can enjoy porn as part of a healthy, mutually respectful partnership. For others it can become about one person losing all respect for their partner and needing more and more extreme porn and real life action to 'satisfy' them. They're usually - excuse the pun - wankers in other areas too. It totally objectifies you and studies have shown that it 'rewires' the brain.

Things might not get as awful for you and I really hope they don't, but he's already showing you that he's going to do something you're not happy about anyway. He'll just be more secretive, and that destroys relationships.

Moominfan · 04/12/2019 22:55

It'll only get worse

GlassHeart1 · 04/12/2019 23:02

Well, yes, we just leading separate lives but living together due to family commitments. Mine didn't change, became more selfish.

hettie · 04/12/2019 23:34

Oh lovely... Lots of people who've been there or watched friend's go through this are trying to tell you. it's GOING TO GET WORSE Find shine outside space (counseling?) and week through what you want...

Apileofballyhoo · 04/12/2019 23:56

There's no changing him unless he wants to change, and he doesn't want to. He doesn't love you enough to want to. He doesn't care if you're unhappy. He doesn't love you enough, OP. Sorry.

sa186mn · 05/12/2019 15:05

@Smallnmighty oh I’m so sorry you had to go through that. That’s truly awful. We just don’t have much of a sex life and when we do I feel that it is just very samesy and rubbish for him and I feel self conscious thinking he’s just not even into it... I’ve suggested in the past too about mixing it up and stuff to make it more exciting hoping that would help but there’s no interest in that either...

There have been chat sites such as Chatroulette and Omegle which I’m not sure what it is a Few years ago... I know a lot of people on here are giving the simple leave answer and honestly it’s the answer I’d give to anyone else myself... it’s just hard being the person in that obviously.

altogirl · 05/12/2019 16:36

I would put marriage on hold for awhile. If he's willing to get help for his addiction then you could think about it again. It IS an addiction, just like alcohol or drugs and it will destroy your life if you marry him now. It's much easier to walk away if you're unmarried/no kids.

Smallnmighty · 05/12/2019 21:38

@sa186mn @samm16
Yes, it was really shit going through it and I wasn't brave enough to leave for a VERY long time. Wasted my best years with him, and my kids didn't have the best example of a relationship due to the arguing and unhappiness. I regret this such a lot every single day.
When things are 'good' they'll convince you that no-one else will ever love you like they do, you'll never build the memories etc etc and that is total bullshit! But very convincing.
If you'd tell a friend/sister/daughter to leave if it was their relationship PLEASE, PLEASE show yourself the same love and consideration. You can do it. It's difficult, it's scary and it's hard BUT it's a whole lot worse if you're married and maybe got children and another few years together.
He's showing you who he is - please recognise that. You can not change him and you can not fix him but you CAN change YOUR situation and YOUR future.

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