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Original poster

Anyone wish they had cut their MIL a bit of slack when you first got together with your partner?

46 replies

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 15:28

DH and I have been together 18 years, married 16. I liked MIL well enough but when I look back at when DS (15) was born, I don't think I gave her much of a chance.

I think I expected her to be a pain in the arse (which she sometimes was, but so was I) and didn't see that sometimes she was just trying to help. I would interpret this as 'taking over' and was wary of her to a degree. She would turn up early for things and it would drive me mad, all sorts of things that I can think of now that really weren't the end of the world. I think I was almost waiting for her to do something annoying so I could have a moan about it.

Now we have DS 15 and DD 13 and I kind of think we've got used to each other. Does she still drive me mad sometimes? Yep Grin. But I'm sure I do the same to her too. I'm glad we've got to the stage where we kind of just rub along nicely now and I can see that she's actually a really kind woman who puts her foot in it sometimes just like the rest of us.

I wish I'd given her the benefit of the doubt more a few years ago. Anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
Moominfan · 04/12/2019 15:29

Is this a reverse 😊

Moneypenny007 · 04/12/2019 15:39

I wish I had put my foot down about more at the beginning. I was 17 and just wanted to be accepted. I'm 32 now and she expects to be let away with shite all the time.
My new Sil however has basically put her foot down (much easier if you live on the other side of the world) and is getting away with it.
I get shit if I put my foot down. She almost caused a divorce after our second was born and I've serious mh problems as a result.
So to answer your question.... no.

Original poster
SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 15:43

Is this a reverse😊

I can see why you might think that but no!

I was constantly on edge looking for things that annoyed me. I think I decided early on that I needed to 'stand my ground', which of course, you do. But I don't think I really gave her a chance, which is not a very nice thing to admit about myself.

She's almost 80 now and I know that given the rest of the family don't give a shit it'll be left to me and DH to take care of her should the need arise and I don't resent that as much as I thought I would. I still moan, but I don't like it when anyone else says something about her. Grin

OP posts:

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Horsemad · 04/12/2019 15:47

Nope. No I don't.

saraclara · 04/12/2019 15:53

I just want to come on and say what a lovely OP, OP!

Fortunately it was clear to me from day 1 that my MIL was a really lovely person. Marrying into her family was such a massive bonus for me. But even so I can remember very occasionally snapping at her about something ultimately trivial. She never ever reacted in a way that she'd have been absolutely entitled to. Just continued to love and accept me as another daughter.

I'm sure your MIL appreciates you too, OP.

livingmyslothlife · 04/12/2019 15:55

Nope. Wish I'd set my boundaries much earlier.

Silencedwitness · 04/12/2019 15:56

Nope I wish I’d told her exactly what I thought. Passive aggressive cow.

TheNavigator · 04/12/2019 15:57

Nope, one of the best things I did was set my boundaries from an early stage.

Kubo · 04/12/2019 16:05

Not quite the same but I wish I had been more open to a closer relationship with her/them than I was. I have a terrible relationship with my own mother and I was very guarded and wary because I didn’t understand how a functional and loving relationship with a parent figure could work.

We get along fine now and both MiL and FiL are lovely, but it kind of feels like a precedent was set and we are at a (very comfortable and harmonious) arm’s length. Which is fine really, a lot better than many have.

FrivolousPancake · 04/12/2019 16:10

Yes OP I read some threads now about how some MILs are treated and their contact with DGC controlled and I cringe thinking of times I behaved similarly

Cern · 04/12/2019 16:15

Yes, very much so. I was young and very independent, and didn't like to be told how to parent. This was 20 years ago, and I wish I had been kinder.

I am currently watching my MIL die, she is expected to pass within hours, I have been by her side for three days and promised her she would die at home, with us all around her.

I love her dearly and wish I had been kinder and more open in the early days. Now as I hold her whilst the carers tend to her I want to tell her my regrets, instead I tell her how much I love her, how grateful I am to her, and that I will take care of her husband, son and grandchildren.

Sorry to be self indulgent but this post has really struck a cord with me.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 04/12/2019 16:40

@Cern

Not self indulgent at all

Flowers and I hope your MILs passing is as peaceful and pain free as my DDs was earlier this year .

LetThemEatDrama · 04/12/2019 16:43

No, I wish I'd gone at her like a harpy and then compromised from there instead of being nothing but nice and friendly to her only to get drama and trouble back. Think she'd respect me more now if I'd started harshly and then given an inch where needed.

Lllot5 · 04/12/2019 16:45

Exactly the opposite for me. Wish I’d stuck up for myself a bit more.

Original poster
SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 16:46

Not quite the same but I wish I had been more open to a closer relationship with her/them than I was.

This is what I mean I suppose. I don't think it was until I lost my own mum that I realised that really, MIL was just trying her best. She has three sons and now says that I'm the daughter she never had. I never wanted to be that before (unkindly really) but over the last few years I've realised how lovely that is. I think I realised that I was getting closer to her when she had an accident in her car and I was so upset that she hadn't been able to get hold of me and had sat on her own waiting for the police etc. I feel quite protective of her now and I could never have seen than coming 15 years ago. I think that, looking back, there are times when I could have been much nicer.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 16:47

@Cern I'm so sorry, this must be a really tricky time for you. Flowers

OP posts:
saraclara · 04/12/2019 16:50

@Cern - thinking of you and your MIL.

My wonderful MIL is now in the most advanced stage of dementia. She doesn't know me, and can only babble like a baby. But I still love her, and get pleasure from sitting with her and holding her hand. I think she still gets something from my visits, as do I. I will still be distraught when we lose her.

Mermaidtissues · 04/12/2019 16:51

I look back to how I was with my ex Mil and cringe. I was a dick, she is a wonderful woman. I was young but she deserved better from a Dil.

Pumpkintopf · 04/12/2019 16:52

@Cern and @WhentheRabbitsWentWild unmumsnetty hugs for you both.Thanks

Original poster
SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 16:56

she deserved better from a Dil.

That's how I feel now. I'm glad I've got the chance to have a better relationship with her now. I hate the thought of anything happening to her.

OP posts:
reetgood · 04/12/2019 16:56

No, I’ve let a lot of batshittery ride for the sake of bigger picture and general harmony. I think we handle her fine.

reetgood · 04/12/2019 17:00

To add, we’re very different people and she is batshit. She does have good qualities: she’s never mean. But having a child has been good for relationship and gives us common ground. She’s not someone I would hang out with if not my mil.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 04/12/2019 17:28

Thank You @Pumpkintopf

Kanga83 · 04/12/2019 17:31

No, I wish the opposite. I wish I had the guts in my very early 20's to have called her out on her comments- race, weight, money, child hood. Now I don't speak a word to her.

Quirrelsotherface · 04/12/2019 17:35

I've been on a massive journey with my MIL. I was DH's first gf who she could see was wife material. She was massively threatened (she suffered badly with anxiety and depression) but I can see I was an absolute dick at times. I was brought up to talk talk talk about stuff, she wasn't like that. She was possessive with my first DS, I hated her for it. In less than 10 years, I would say we are friends and she has a wonderful relationship with her DGC's. It's about give and take, communication and understanding. Now I can say I don't even want to think of the day she isn't here anymore.