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Original poster

Anyone wish they had cut their MIL a bit of slack when you first got together with your partner?

46 replies

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 15:28

DH and I have been together 18 years, married 16. I liked MIL well enough but when I look back at when DS (15) was born, I don't think I gave her much of a chance.

I think I expected her to be a pain in the arse (which she sometimes was, but so was I) and didn't see that sometimes she was just trying to help. I would interpret this as 'taking over' and was wary of her to a degree. She would turn up early for things and it would drive me mad, all sorts of things that I can think of now that really weren't the end of the world. I think I was almost waiting for her to do something annoying so I could have a moan about it.

Now we have DS 15 and DD 13 and I kind of think we've got used to each other. Does she still drive me mad sometimes? Yep . But I'm sure I do the same to her too. I'm glad we've got to the stage where we kind of just rub along nicely now and I can see that she's actually a really kind woman who puts her foot in it sometimes just like the rest of us.

I wish I'd given her the benefit of the doubt more a few years ago. Anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:

dontcallmelen · 04/12/2019 17:40

@WhentheRabbitsWentWild & @Cern 💐
I’m glad I managed to find a way through with my Mil she had a terribly difficult life at times & lot of how she behaved really couldn’t be helped she loved her children & grandchildren so a lot of stuff I just let go over my head, I miss her & she made me laugh she was incredibly funny.

newdeer · 04/12/2019 17:48

Didn't need to. I adored my MiL. She frightened the bejeezus out of me at first but after I got to know her I realised what a lovely person she was. She was hard work at times - very blunt and outspoken and absolutely maniacally houseproud whereas my parents were far more relaxed (ahem) about housework and emotionally much more manpulative and indirect. I came to love and trust her bluntness and learned how to keep house from her. I was heartbroken when she died.

PlasticPatty · 04/12/2019 17:51

No.

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C305 · 04/12/2019 18:01

Not for me I'm afraid! I wish I'd tried to set boundaries earlier & not been/continue to be such a polite door mat😫

Enko · 04/12/2019 18:16

My mil was an amazing wonderful lady who passed away 1 1/2 years ago I still miss her and think of her daily. If I can be just half the mil to my childrens partners she was I dont think there will be any complaints about me on mn

CalamityJune · 04/12/2019 18:29

I think I've been OK with my MIL and always done my best to not favour my sude of the family, however I have noticed since having DC just how many of my friends all seem to have have "pain in the arse" MILs while their own mothers can seemingly do no wrong.

It's made me realise just how hard it must be to be a mother of sons and feel excluded from your son and GCs lives, and I can see why some may end up overstepping boundaries and being too forceful in their efforts to be close to the new family unit.

Every situation is different but I can't believe that the MIL is always entirely to blame.

Original poster

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 18:35

seem to have have "pain in the arse" MILs while their own mothers can seemingly do no wrong.

I think I was a bit like this. I adored my mum, she was so laid back and we used to have such a laugh together. MIL is very staid and straight-laced and I thought she was a bit po faced to be honest. She's not really though, it just took me some time to see that.

OP posts:

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 04/12/2019 18:46

Yes, I get this a little bit. I've always liked my MIL, but went through a stage where she drove me bonkers when the kids were little: it really pointed up where her parenting was different to my 'model' - in some good ways, but also some bad that frustrated me. I also really, REALLY wish I'd got her more involved with the wedding planning. Me and DH were very self sufficient - & in retrospect she would have adored to come dress shopping with me, and would have been brilliant, especially in comparison to my mum (she burst into joyful tears when she saw me in my dress on the day. My mum asked if I was ready!) She only has sons, and it would have been really special for her. I did take her bridesmaid shopping and she still talks about that day, but I definitely missed a trick

AConvivialHost · 04/12/2019 18:54

When I look back on it now, I'm very embarrassed about my behaviour towards my MIL when I had my PFB - I think it was the fact that we weren't particularly close and I wasn't comfortable with someone I didn't know well feeling like they had some 'claim' to my child. In the first few years, I was much more comfortable with my DD staying with my mum and my MIL didn't get many overnights. However, over the past 8 or so years, my MIL has time and again stepped up to help us out, whilst my own DM dropped us like a hot potato when my DN came along. Whilst we are still not particularly close, e.g. I'd never phone her up for a chat, she's an excellent nanny and my girls absolutely adore her. She also raised a good man, so she can't be all that bad

Comradesally · 04/12/2019 18:59

She turned up early for the things!

Yes! If I had shunned my Mil for just turning up early... Yes I would regret it 18 years on how peculiar.

In my case I wish I hadn't been do open and welcoming and flung myself endlessly against her rocks... Always bending...

No I wish I had not been so stupid and cut her off sooner.

Aria2015 · 04/12/2019 18:59

Yeah actually. I was very possessive of my lo and didn't like it when mil did anything different to me. I didn't say anything but I'm sure it must have come across on some level. I look back now and wish I'd been more secure about my bond with my lo and not felt so threatened by her because she's actually a lovely grandmother and would do anything for my lo. I've also come to realise that kids grow up to realise what they can and can't do at home and what they can and can't do (nothing!) at their grandparents. So the extra TV time and sweet treats lo has at their house hasn't undone anything after all. I wish I'd been more relaxed in the first year but we live and learn. Hopefully I would be more chilled out second time around (if it happens!).

Nessaofbarry · 04/12/2019 19:01

Nope. My MIL is a truly nasty piece of work. I thank my lucky stars every day I wasn’t raised by someone as emotionally abusive as she is

Cohle · 04/12/2019 19:04

Now that my own kids are in their early twenties I can put myself in my MIL's shoes much more easily. I wish I had been a bit less PFB and more relaxed. In the grand scheme of things it truly doesn't matter that she did things slightly differently than me when they were tiny babies. It's much more important that we've managed to preserve a familial relationship.

user1498572889 · 04/12/2019 19:06

My mother in law is wonderful. There is give and take on both sides but I have never heard her criticise me and I have never criticised her. She has been wonderful with my kids. When my kids stayed at hers I always said when at grandmas her rules apply. I know she would never let them come to any harm and if she let them have biscuits before dinner it was her food that didn’t get eaten. My own mum died very early on in my relationship with her son and she was great never pushed herself but was always there if I needed her. She is in her 80’s now and I am dreading the day she passes away.

TheCraicDealer · 04/12/2019 19:32

That's really lovely @SpiderCharlotte- you might have met your MIL as an adult but that doesn't mean you'd really properly grown up. I don't mean that in a horrible way, but I think as you get older and get more life experience you are generally more patient with people and have a bit more compassion. The important thing is that you got there and have had the opportunity to enjoy a positive relationship before it was too late.

I'm not massively close with MIL and I doubt we ever will be, in part due to distance. However I've always read the threads about "pain in the arse" MILs or women who are struggling to relate to their DIL (especially when GC are added to the mix) and thought I would try to deal with her with kindness. As a direct consequence of that we had her and FIL over to stay for a few days when DD was four days old, and we've just had them over again. DD was left with them for a whole day when I was away on a short trip and DH was at a recruitment event, and we're spending DD's first Christmas with them.

MIL's always been quite reserved, but with us getting married, DD's arrival and me trying to be relaxed about them visiting (and DH's solo visits home when he gets the chance) she's slowly thawing and becoming more open towards me. I never wanted her to feel that my mum and dad were the golden grandparents and that I didn't value DH's side. I think she had assumed that would be the case, so I'm glad that i had the insight MN gave me and could try and counter it.

Obviously some people have batshit or cruel in-laws, but some OPs do tend to try to find offence, are oversensitive or are unusually protective of their DC. They don't seem to realise that by getting on like that they've got a good chance of eventually being the in-laws who no-one wants to spend time with.

JigsawsAreInPieces · 04/12/2019 19:37

First MIL was a bitch until I snapped and told her to fuck off. She then became a pussycat.
Second one was lovely from the start and I do miss her.

saraclara · 04/12/2019 19:47

@TheCraicDealer how lovely that you took the trouble to use what you read on MN to make your relationship with your MIL work better. That's quite heartwarming!

Original poster

SpiderCharlotte · 04/12/2019 21:10

Yes! If I had shunned my Mil for just turning up early... Yes I would regret it 18 years on hmm how peculiar.

Ah don't be daft @Comradesally that was just a silly example - I'm talking about turning up three hours early on Christmas morning while we were still in our PJs/or the time we invited them to stay for the weekend and they arrived on the Friday night of the Saturday morning. We were out so they rang is to come home from an event. I wasn't talking about turning up ten minutes early for a cuppa.

@TheCraicDealer I totally agree. Sometimes I think I just looked for things that weren't there.

OP posts:

Cern · 06/12/2019 22:05

I just wanted to let you all know that my MIL passed yesterday, in the home where we all live together, with my FIL by her side, and me at the foot of her bed. It was peaceful and actually quite beautiful. This post gave me the courage to apologise to her, the night before she passed, for being so bloody difficult in the early days, I don't suppose she heard me but she may have, and I know that in her last few months I know with certainty that she knew how much I loved her.
Thanks to everyone who sent their thoughts, sorry to dominate the thread, but the OP was so appropriate

saraclara · 06/12/2019 22:20

I'm so glad that your MIL's passing was peaceful, Cern. And yes, a death absolutely can be beautiful - I've experienced that too.
My condolences on your loss.

Original poster

SpiderCharlotte · 06/12/2019 22:59

@Cern I'm so sorry you lost your MIL. I'm glad you were with had.

OP posts:

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