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Original poster

AIBU to say I'll never attend a wedding again?

46 replies

Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 09:12

Lost our only child, Rachel, at just 22, April 2018. Some of you may have seen my thread in Bereavement. We're still suffering terrible and it's no easier really and I'm so bitter that as she can never get married, have children etc I've made my mind up never to attend a wedding again. Her friends will probably get married in the next few year and my nephew and niece too.

My wife says I'm being totally unreasonable but it's my life and I don't care what anyone thinks. Nothing against wife going at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 09:13

I won't think any differently in years to come either. Once I decide something that's it. Am as stubborn as hell.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 04/12/2019 09:15

YANBU. Everyone grieves in their own way. There is no right or wrong, just what's right for you.

AllTheCakes · 04/12/2019 09:16

If that’s what you want, then that is fine and people will respect your wishes.

I wonder though if Rachel would want you to enjoy such occasions? It’s awful that she can’t do those things, but others can and to celebrate with them is a lovely thing. I completely respect that that isn’t easy though.

Sorry for your loss.

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 09:16

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Have you had any counselling?

Original poster
Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 09:17

Yeah that's what I think. I know her close friends would be upset but she'd have been a bridesmaid to three of them so just would be too upsetting for me. I just still can't believe she's gone at 22 and had just got her degree. Had counselling and seen a psychiatrist. Done no good really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 09:19

People say I should be happy for those people and celebrate with them. No weddings on the horizon for a few years yet anyway so may feel different. They say time's a healer but so far no healing at all and 2nd Christmas looms.

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 04/12/2019 09:20

I’m so sorry for your loss. Flowers

YANBU to deal with things in any way you think will make things easier. You are supportive of your DW going if she chooses so you decisions won’t affect anyone else. I’d completely understand if I was your niece getting married or your sibling with a child getting married.

Has the AIBU come about as a result of someone suggesting you should be forcing yourself to go to a wedding?

Mummaofmytribe · 04/12/2019 09:20

I lost my son when he was 20. I totally get where you're coming from. Six years later I've had to plaster a smile on my face bumping into his friends who've had babies etc. I am never anything but pleasant (it's hardly their fault) but it's like a dagger to the heart.
You do what you need to do to survive. As long as Rachel's mum can do what's right for her also even if it differs from you.
My absolute deepest condolences on your terrible loss

Original poster
Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 09:20

Was so sudden by the way, SADS, bit like cot death in a baby. Heart just suddenly stops.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 09:21

@DowntownCrabby

Yeah my wife says it would be totally unreasonable.

OP posts:
TheNavigator · 04/12/2019 09:22

YANBU - I also walk the hard lonely road of child loss (18 years for me, it gets 'easier' on a day to day level but it never goes away). Whatever it takes for you to keep putting one foot in front of the other is reasonable. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' when you have lost a child, just survival. Take care of yourself and your wife xxxx

KellyHall · 04/12/2019 09:25

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

It's up to you how you deal with it.

I'm constantly striving to find positivity and enjoy my short life as much as possible so I would be going to these happy events as her representative, to spread the joy on her behalf.

You could use the love you have for her to give you strength in such situations and allow her to be proud of you in the same way I'm sure you were proud of her when she overcame life's challenges, such as getting her degree.

I also think if therapy hasn't worked for you yet, it may mean you haven't found the right therapy for you yet and I'd look for more.

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 09:26

Christmas is always a very hard time of year, whatever loss you’ve suffered. Flowers

HeddaGarbled · 04/12/2019 09:27

I don’t think this is an argument that you need to have right now. Not helpful for either of you.

busybee987 · 04/12/2019 09:27

If that's what u need to do to protect yourself then thats totally fine, all i would say is dont rule it out indefinitely for the future. Your feelings may change, but for now just do what u feel is right for you. im so sorry to hear about your daughter xo

youcancallmequeenE · 04/12/2019 09:29

So sorry for your loss @Yappy12 I can't imagine how it must feel to lose a child. It's absolutely not the way it should be.

I lost my dad very suddenly 10 years ago and I'm getting married next year. My grief has changed over the years and whilst I will absolutely be very sad that he's not going to be there, I know he will be really. Because he's always with me. I've seen a Robin whenever I've been sad or down or struggling since the day he died. I absolutely believe he's still around trying to comfort me. In fact, i saw him this morning as a Robin jumped onto the path as I was walking my daughter to nursery. I could've reached out and touched him, he was that close.

I hope in time that you will see ways that your daughter is still around you and that it can give you comfort. I don't think anyone would hold it against you if you didn't attend a wedding based on your feelings if that's how you feel if and when the time comes.

This time of year is bloody hard too. You have my deepest sympathy. I really am sorry for your loss

Original poster
Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 09:31

@HeddaGarbled

Yeah think you're right.

OP posts:
UpperLowercaseSymbolNumber · 04/12/2019 09:53

I’m sorry for your loss. the comparison must be heartbreaking. I have suffered child loss but not in your way and it is still tough when I see others doing what they should be doing. Your pain screams out of your posts and I’m sorry for it.

How about though taking a slightly different path. You don’t have to say now that you are never going to attend a wedding ever again - you don’t need to build it into a big thing that you then can’t or won’t back down from. And I say that as someone who has made Big Proclamations from which I then find it very hard to back down.

You could instead decide that right at the moment you do not feel able to attend weddings right now. But that in future you will assess how you feel at the time. Because there might be circumstances of couples getting married that you don’t see as comparable to what your daughter is missing and that you might feel able to attend as long as you don’t feel youve painted yourself into a corner. And just assess as they come along.

For example you might get invited to a wedding where the couple is much older and on their second marriages, or to a wedding where one partner perhaps has a short life expectancy - you may be able to feel these are “different”. Or as time goes on you might be able to feel pleasure at seeing a young person you care about creating a union with someone they deeply love, even though your daughter didn’t get to do the same. And I’d hate that because you took a stance now you then find yourself closed off to these things.

I think you also have to be realistic as to whether people will understand, particularly when you’re a few more years down the road. Rachel’s death may still hurt you as much but family may struggle to understand why you turn that into a barrier to attending the wedding of your niece or nephew.

Jayneisapain · 04/12/2019 09:57

No right or wrong here. Cross that bridge when you come to it.

I cannot even imagine your pain. Life is so unimaginably cruel sometimes.

Besidesthepoint · 04/12/2019 09:59

Don't go to weddings as long as you feel it's too hurtful for you, but please don't shut the door completely. Your daughter probably would have wanted you to live your life and be as happy as is possible (which might not be much at the moment and it will never be easy but you will laugh again some day). If you ever feel like celebrating then do it with her in your heart.

sonjadog · 04/12/2019 10:08

Have you been invited to a wedding that is making you have this conversation now? I would take it one wedding at a time. Don't go if you don't want to, but don't make a grand statement about it.

Wexone · 04/12/2019 10:09

At the moment this is how you feel, but please reconsider in 6 months time. You are stil in the process of grief and its a dark cloud over you. Time is a great healer but it depends on the person for me it was a year before could actually see clearly. You will never get over it however in time you will learn to live with the pain. Mt own father in law died tragically last year, did not think i could live again let alone do happy thinsg like weddings etc. Take the time to heal and get some counselling, the right one really does help. Then when the time comes see how you feel before you say you will attend . Don't alanate your wife she is also going through her own grief, keep communicating. Your daughter will always be with you and will be looking down at you and will hope you will enjoy your life. I hope my father in law will be with us when we get married next year, us booking our wedding has helped us and my mother inlaw with our own grief.

Bluerussian · 04/12/2019 10:13

You're not unreasonable, Yappy. Good people will understand if you don't want to go to a wedding and there's nothing to stop your wife going alone if she wants to.

It must be terribly sad to have a child die at 22 (at any time really), I have no idea how I would come to terms with that. Your bereavement is still fairly recent too.

Friends of mine had a son who died aged 24 of SADS, it was terrible, a shock and their grief was palpable.

I hope that in time you are able to accommodate your grief but at the moment it is too soon to expect.

All blessings to you.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 04/12/2019 10:49

I am so sorry for your terrible loss.

You need to do what you need to do to keep going. However, like PP I would caution you about making absolute judgements at this stage and then sticking to them relentlessly. Stubbornness like that isn't a virtue and you don't want it to hamstring you.

Decide for the moment you're not going to go and leave yourself open to change if change might, one day, help.

june2007 · 04/12/2019 11:07

T say never attend a wedding is very extream. To say I am sad So Ican,t possibly be happy for you is quite extream. But I understand where yoour coming from at the moment. Hopefully you will be able to attend a wedding and share in others happiness. Afterall you don,t know who else at that wedding may have lost a loved one.