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Original poster

AIBU to say I'll never attend a wedding again?

46 replies

Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 09:12

Lost our only child, Rachel, at just 22, April 2018. Some of you may have seen my thread in Bereavement. We're still suffering terrible and it's no easier really and I'm so bitter that as she can never get married, have children etc I've made my mind up never to attend a wedding again. Her friends will probably get married in the next few year and my nephew and niece too.

My wife says I'm being totally unreasonable but it's my life and I don't care what anyone thinks. Nothing against wife going at all.

OP posts:

minmooch · 04/12/2019 11:09

I'm so sorry @Yappy12 for the loss of your daughter.

I lost my son nearly 6 years ago to a brain tumour. For many years I couldn't attend any 'happy' events. It was just too bloody painful. I have attended 4 funerals since my son's and spoke at 2 of them - my Mum's and my great aunt's. For some reason I could do that.

I went to a wedding last year - it was my partner's niece. It was ok as they never knew him and I could put it in a box.

I have not been able to attend a wedding yet if someone who knew my son. I think it won't be too long until his peers start getting married. I'm not sure how I will feel. I hope one day my other son will get married and have children. I know these events will bring joy and pain in equal measure.

It gets easier with time to live with grief and joy side by side. I can enjoy lots of things but happy events usually hit me the day after and I crash for a week or so.

I hate, hate, hate when the non-bereaved say shit like ' but your son would want you to be happy'. Like they know my sons wishes more than I. Of course he would want me to be happy. But he'd rather be here living with me still being happy. I do not find those comments helpful at all and I find it increasingly hard to bite my tongue and not say anything.

You do what you need to do to walk this journey of child bereavement. Go gently on yourself and those loved ones around you.

dontalltalkatonce · 04/12/2019 11:26

What minmooch said. I lost a daughter 8 years ago. There's no right or wrong on this road. You can set whatever parameters you need to get you through.

SunshineAngel · 04/12/2019 11:52

I'm sorry for your loss. You should deal with it however you feel is best, and if that's avoiding weddings then so be it. Just be aware though that if your wife deals with things drastically differently this may cause issues. A friend of mine lost her only son at 17 five years ago, and almost split with her husband because they dealt with things so, so differently.

Over time, you might change your mind. Things are raw for you now, and the way you feel now won't be the same as you feel in 1, 2, 5, or 10 years. That's not me saying you'll get over it, but you will see different situations in different ways, and you may feel that you want to attend weddings to those close to you.

My friend who lost her son felt exactly the same. We used to have a memorial gathering for him every year, but this year she stopped it because she said it was too painful seeing his friends coming having reached an age he would never reach, driving a car, with girlfriends, some with kids .. it's just like rubbing it in.

But now, she has started to go to things like weddings and parties again. She is getting counselling for her grief and, though difficult, she says it does help her.

You are not being unreasonable for not wanting to go to weddings right now, however you shouldn't make a statement that you will NEVER go, as you should always allow yourself the space to assess how you feel and change your mind in the future if appropriate :).

Original poster

Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 15:46

Thanks everyone. Am gobsmacked actually as I thought most of you would say I was awful and should go for other peoples' sake. Anyway the situation doesn't arise yet.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 04/12/2019 15:54

I think it might be better to think about it when it comes up. I thought I’d never want to see a baby again, but when nieces and nephews turned up, it was ok.

Sorry for your loss.

CherryPlum · 04/12/2019 16:06

I cannot possibly imagine your pain, I think you are doing well putting one step in front of the other. I would not want to attend weddings in your position, I imagine it would feel like a punch to the stomach or a day of torture. YANBU in the slightest. You must 100% do what is best for you.

Original poster

Yappy12 · 04/12/2019 18:43

Just functioning like a robot every day as is my wife. Have to get up to feed the dog, let her out and then take her a walk a bit later, otherwise I'd stay in bed all day. It's like a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

OP posts:

Frenchw1fe · 04/12/2019 18:52

So sorry you're going through this.
As a pp said you dont have to make any decisions yet. It's very early days.

notanurse2017 · 04/12/2019 18:57

Yappy12 I am so sorry for your loss.

With regards to your grief - do whatever helps you survive.

Nixen · 04/12/2019 18:58

I think take it day by day, occasion by occasion.

My DHs cousin died young, about 8 years ago now. They were about the same age, and at our wedding, on the birth of our child, at her christening, I always spare a thought and give an extra big cuddle to that aunt and uncle. I know they must be finding those times hard.

I’m so very sorry for your loss

Flynn2019 · 04/12/2019 21:22

YANBU!

I personally think life is too short to care what other people think or want you to do. You have had an extremely tough time of it and you are entitled to feel and do what you want. There should never be pressure put on anyone to attend events etc you do not need that stress in your life.

I cannot imagine the pain you are suffering and wish you all the love and strength to get you through x

Happysummer2020 · 04/12/2019 21:25

You're not being unreasonable. Your feelings are completely understandable.

AnyFucker · 04/12/2019 21:29

Do what you need to do x

Rainbowtheunicorn · 04/12/2019 21:33

I’m so sorry to hear about Rachel.

I think everyone would understand if you stayed away, but I agree with PP- deal with it when the time comes. Best not to worry about what if scenarios when you are still grieving. Two years is no time at all.

puds11 · 04/12/2019 21:39

I’m so sorry for your loss Yappy I cant begin to imagine how you must be feeling. YANBU take every day as it comes. Good luck to you.

formerbabe · 04/12/2019 21:43

People say I should be happy for those people

I cant bear this concept of being happy for others...how horrendous it must be when you're hurting so much.

I'm sorry for your loss

TargaryenBean · 04/12/2019 21:44

Yanbu in the sense that it's still so raw and everyone grieves in their own way and I have no idea what it must feel like. Just a perspective though, her friends I can understand but, your nieces and nephews weddings, it does seem quit sad that you'd miss out on their celebration and joy in the coming years. Im sure you both mean a lot to them all xx best of luck

TargaryenBean · 04/12/2019 21:45

But obviously it's not as simple as that, go easy on yourself and your wife.

headlock · 04/12/2019 22:05

How awful for you. So sorry for your loss.

Sprinklemetinsel · 04/12/2019 22:11

You are not being unreasonable to be as angry and bitter as you like, and to go or not go as you feel able.

However, this is very early days to make rules and decisions for the future. Don't hem yourself in with choices you make now. Take the days as they come.

ParkheadParadise · 04/12/2019 22:16

Sorry for your loss @Yappy12
No parent should have to bury their child it's heartbreaking.

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