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Original poster

Today, I'm going for my first smear for 10 years.

36 replies

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/12/2019 11:17

I don't really know why I'm starting this other than that I have told no one, not even DH. I feel pretty sick.

I was assaulted as a child by our family doctor. For years, I avoided all medical encounters as much as possible and definitely anything gynae. When I was about 30, I decided to try going for a smear.

It was horrific. The actual procedure was okay but not great, but the reaction afterwards was just..... Months and months of nightmares which I won't go into as the content is too distressing, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts all the time, unable to concentrate at work etc. I looked into the evidence base for cervical screening and saw there are some question marks over it, so decided that given my extreme reaction, it wasn't worth engaging with. I had a lot of difficulty getting out of the programme, including being threatened with de-reg from my GP practice, but I did it. I'm now nearly 41 and haven't had a smear since.

I'm almost two years out from a really difficult birth where the staff refused to listen to me about how hard I find gynae stuff. But recently, something shifted. I felt able to let go a little about what that dr in the 80s did, and the birth in 2018. So I decided to book a smear test and re-engage with the programme.

It's at 3.50 today. I don't want to talk about it IRL so DH doesn't know. I feel really sick. I hope to God they are nice and not like the staff at the birth.

We'll see.........

OP posts:
KnifeAngel · 02/12/2019 11:19

Well done Flowers.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/12/2019 11:21

They'll be nice OP. Just remember they do it all the time. Stay as relaxed as you can and it'll be over in no time at all.

You've also got a lovely baby who needs a healthy mama so it's best to get the reassurance that you're all clear

PurpleFrames · 02/12/2019 11:30

I struggle with these things for a similar reason.

Well done at braving your fear it's incredibly brave and good role modelling behaviour.

Hope it goes ok- please update us!

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Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/12/2019 12:16

Thanks. The thing is, I never confided anything about my past to any medical professional until I was going to give birth. I was having twins and so it was a high risk situation, and much more medical involvement than normal. I told the consultant about my history. I assumed she'd be all 'Oh gosh, don't worry, we see this all the time'.

She really wasn't. She told me she didn't 'feel able to support me with that', that I was taking up too much of her time, and cut the appointment short. Other people in the medical team were nicer, but they basically stonewalled and refused to put any provisional in place to help.

I ended up giving birth alone in a toilet.

I also really hope they don't have students in and the nurse is a woman. When I had my antenatal care in my first pregnancy in 2015, I asked to see a woman dr for that was told by the GP receptionist that my request was 'not appropriate' and I haven't had anything intimate/ pg-related done at the GP surgery since as I feel I can't unless I know it's going to be a woman and also no extra people in the room.

Argh. We'll see.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/12/2019 12:28

Good luck.

Every smear I have had done was by a woman. You are within your rights to request a woman, they can't refuse that. If they have a student with them they will ask you if you are happy for them to watch and you are within your rights to say no.

You are doing a very brave thing. I'm sorry you had such bad experiences with medical staff in the past.

LongLiveThePenis · 02/12/2019 12:39

It's quite rare for them to have a student in but if they do they'll have to ask. The student wont mind as they'll go and get a cuppa or something. If the Nurse isn't female then you can just reschedule or ask for a female.
If you really feel like you can't say anything, say you went to the toilet on arrival and just got your period so can't have the test.

Your birth experience sounds awful and I hope today goes well and gives you confidence to keep going.
Have you thought about going to PALS to complain and see if there's any support you can access?

halcyondays · 02/12/2019 12:40

Ask to have a woman do it. All the nurses I’ve seen in the treatment room at my surgery have been women.

I don’t know why they wouldn’t let you see a woman doctor. Usually you can request to see a particular doctor when you make an appointment.

Good luck

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/12/2019 12:44

LongLive that is actually a really good idea if it's the male practice nurse.

IMO they don't ask about having a student in - the student is just in the room already and you have to specifically ask them to leave. That was one of the things that happened during the birth. I'd written 'NO STUDENTS' on my notes but they ignored it and I was too frozen up and panicky to be assertive about it. Obviously I am not in labour today so should be easier.

Am getting zero work done today!!

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/12/2019 12:45

*IME

OP posts:
VisionQuest · 02/12/2019 12:52

Well done for making the appointment. Don't do anything that you're not comfortable with, if there's a student, just say no. They won't mind. In the unlikely event that it's a male nurse, again you can decline, that's absolutely fine.

I think you should explain to the nurse that you're very nervous and have some trauma from your past so that they can try and reassure you.

I must say, apart from one nurse about 15 years ago, everyone else has always been excellent when doing smear tests. I'm sure you will be just fine and you're doing the right thing having this done.

WWlOOlWW · 02/12/2019 13:11

I'd never had a smear until last year. I was terrified.

Had two now and feel pretty silly to have not done it years ago.

If you really struggle as your GP to give you 2mg of diazepam. It really helped me.

Good luck.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/12/2019 14:22

Thanks WWI . I don't want to be drugged as I want to feel in control and able to say stop if I need. Plus I'm at home afterwards with 3 small children.

I just feel so sick about it. I really hope the nurse is understanding. I can cope if she is, but I can't face being treated with disdain again.

Thanks to everyone who has commented. I have not told DH or anyone IRL as I don't want to have the discussions if I decide I can't face it or if it goes badly. ARGH!!!!

OP posts:
LongLiveThePenis · 02/12/2019 15:32

Don't forget to tell them you're nervous, but it'll be fine, if you do it or don't then you took a step toward it.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/12/2019 16:01

Hope it went ok. Treat yourself afterwards.

BlackeyedSusan · 02/12/2019 16:02

Even if you don't go through with it, you have done well to get as far as the appointment.

JacobReesClunge · 02/12/2019 16:04

You've had some awful medical care. Obviously the paedo but the ones following haven't exactly been great!

jellycatspyjamas · 02/12/2019 16:18

Well done, it’s easy to underestimate just how hard it can be to even book the appointment for a smear when you’ve had a traumatic past. Hope it all went ok.

Capricornandproud · 02/12/2019 16:26

Hey OP how did it go? I’m in a similar predicament to you and I totally understand how you feel. Well done for even making the appointment!!

Livebythecoast · 02/12/2019 16:26

Hope it all went well for you OP and it wasn't as awful as you feared.

Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/12/2019 16:45

Hi, thanks. I did it!

The waiting room bit was awful. I felt all weird and dizzy and had to go and be sick at one point in the loos.

The nurse was very kind. She asked me if I was okay and I started crying Hmm bloody idiot.

She was then very nice and hinted that she was a survivor too and had started doing smears the way she wanted them done to her as she also found them traumatic. She said she had used to work in a specialist sexual health clinic. I really lucked out getting her. Also it was her last appt of the day so she said she didn't mind how long it took.

I ended up crying all over the place about the twins' birth, and she looked really appalled when I said what had happened. That felt very validating to have an actual medical professional say how bad it was.

The procedure itself wasn't pleasant, and I felt really shaky and l felt like I had to keep my hands over my face for some reason (??). Our minds are very weird! But it is done now.

I feel quite weird, sort of all wrung out, after so am hiding in a Costa for half an hour before going home to the weans.

Eurgh!

OP posts:
Original poster
JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/12/2019 16:47

Oh and thanks to everyone who posted. It really helped to talk about it anonymously.

OP posts:
mummymayhem18 · 02/12/2019 16:51

I'm glad you got through it. Well done. Be proud of yourself ❤️

LongLiveThePenis · 02/12/2019 16:52

Well done, she sounds lovely and just the kind of person you want to be doing smears. Remember her name so you can ask for her next time.

Livebythecoast · 02/12/2019 16:55

Yay, you did it! Well done.
Hopefully it might restore a little bit of faith in healthcare professionals after your awful experiences.Flowers

CanoeDoYouThinkYouAre · 02/12/2019 17:10

Well done. I'm so sorry it's taken this long for you to feel comfortable and validated by a medical professional but I hope the nurse has restored some of your faith.

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