I don't really know why I'm starting this other than that I have told no one, not even DH. I feel pretty sick.
I was assaulted as a child by our family doctor. For years, I avoided all medical encounters as much as possible and definitely anything gynae. When I was about 30, I decided to try going for a smear.
It was horrific. The actual procedure was okay but not great, but the reaction afterwards was just..... Months and months of nightmares which I won't go into as the content is too distressing, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts all the time, unable to concentrate at work etc. I looked into the evidence base for cervical screening and saw there are some question marks over it, so decided that given my extreme reaction, it wasn't worth engaging with. I had a lot of difficulty getting out of the programme, including being threatened with de-reg from my GP practice, but I did it. I'm now nearly 41 and haven't had a smear since.
I'm almost two years out from a really difficult birth where the staff refused to listen to me about how hard I find gynae stuff. But recently, something shifted. I felt able to let go a little about what that dr in the 80s did, and the birth in 2018. So I decided to book a smear test and re-engage with the programme.
It's at 3.50 today. I don't want to talk about it IRL so DH doesn't know. I feel really sick. I hope to God they are nice and not like the staff at the birth.
We'll see.........