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Original poster

Loss at 20 weeks (might be triggering)

48 replies

HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 13:04

Hi everyone,

First time poster, I’ve been reading mumsnet for a while and it seems like such a supportive place so hopefully someone is around to listen to my story.

My husband and I went for our 20 week scan on Thursday, we were so excited to find out the sex and see our little bean again after the 12 week scan. As soon as the sonographer began I could tell that something was wrong - she called over the other sonographer who confirmed. She turned the screen to us and said that there was no heartbeat - our baby had died at 13 weeks, meaning he had already been gone 7 weeks.

Cutting a long story short I gave birth to him yesterday. They said he was too small to officially say he was a boy but they thought he was, which is what I thought. They wrapped him in a little blue blanket. Labour was awful because the midwife didn’t believe how much pain I was in and was reluctant to change pain relief options. I gave birth to him half an hour later.

There’s lots more but it’s so indescribably sad I don’t know what to say. Thank you if you’ve made it this far x

OP posts:
smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 01/12/2019 13:06

I don't have anything helpful to say but I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been. Look after yourself.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 01/12/2019 13:08

I’m so very sorry. Please talk about him if it helps x

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 01/12/2019 13:09

Very sorry for you and your husband's loss Flowers

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/12/2019 13:39

I'm very sorry to hear that. Such a tough time for you.

Have you given your little one a name?

Original poster
HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 14:01

We had some names on our list but we haven’t discussed which one to use or even if we’ll name him. The midwife gave us an acknowledgement of life certificate amongst other things in his memory box, she had filled it in with ‘baby surname’ and his post natal notes are filled in the same. In a way it would feel odd to change it now. He didn’t have a name when they brought him to us to see and be with so to change that might change him if that makes sense.

OP posts:
SingingSands · 01/12/2019 14:10

I am so, so sorry for you loss. Thanks

Wearenotyourkind · 01/12/2019 14:15

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. Sending love Thanks

SandyClawsIsComingToTown · 01/12/2019 14:21

I’m so terribly sorry, what a shock that must have been. We named our daughter when she was stillborn at 28 weeks but as a warning, if you choose a reasonably popular name you’re likely to come across people with the same one which can be quite difficult Flowers

ohcarriemathison · 01/12/2019 14:26

So so sorry for your loss.
Just sounds so incredibly sad ☹️
💐

Daisywho · 01/12/2019 14:36

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I have been through similar when I lost my first DD and it is so painful and such a shock. Is your little boy your first baby?

Please keep talking to us if it helps - mumsnet provided some great words of comfort to me at the time - I felt like I would never recover but others reassured me that we would find a way forward and they were right.

Thinking of you and your precious DS.

Original poster
HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 14:36

So sorry for your loss Sandy.

I had no idea I would need to labour and give birth which was very traumatic. Just feel empty and scarred by the whole experience.

OP posts:
PurpleFrames · 01/12/2019 14:37

So sorry for your loss, I hope you can find comfort at this difficult time x

Original poster
HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 15:08

He is @Daisywho. As awful as it sounds I just want to start trying again straight away l.

OP posts:
ParkheadParadise · 01/12/2019 15:13

Sorry for your loss Flowers
HenrysHome
Take Care of yourself.

JumpiestBat · 01/12/2019 15:16

I'm so sorry - what a terrible shock for you. It is normal to have such a mix of emotions and natural to want to try again as soon as possible - it is like you want to put things back to where they were. Hoping you are getting lots of support as you come to terms with what's happened. Loss of a pregnancy or a baby is so so sad. I always think sad is such a small word but sadness has indescribable depth.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/12/2019 16:06

He didn’t have a name when they brought him to us to see and be with so to change that might change him if that makes sense

That makes perfect sense. Friends in a similar situation always referred to their baby by a nickname (like you saying little bean in your OP) and he's always been known as that. I still think of him occasionally, though it must be 20 years now.

Take good care of yourself and your husband.

Bugbeau · 01/12/2019 17:44

So sorry to hear this, I went through the same thing 9 years ago but can still remember the feelings I went through so vividly. It is heartbreaking. Like you we stuck with Baby and our surname as that is what was written on all the paperwork. The first few months were so hard, accept all the support people offer you, however, we did try again soon afterwards and our eldest will be 8 on Thursday. The first half of the pregnancy I found very stressful, but having him definitely helped heal me. That baby will always be your first baby and have a special place in your heart. Sending love to you.

Original poster
HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 18:16

Thank you for your kind words everyone. I do hope that it will be part of the healing process like you said Bugbeau. Any advice on how to get over the trauma of labour/ birth? I feel totally scarred by the whole experience.

OP posts:
JumpiestBat · 01/12/2019 18:34

What leapt out was your need for pain relief. I have no idea why a midwife wouldn't be giving you everything going, but in my experience albeit with an earlier loss they are generally super cautious. It's horrid though.

It's still very early days. So much to process. You absolutely can go on to have positive experiences in pregnancy and labour.

Original poster
HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 18:45

No one explained I would be going through the process of giving birth to a dead baby. I thought it would be like bad period pains. They insisted on moving us from the dedicated room for baby loss to a private waiting room. Because they didn’t believe I was in as much pain as I was because my cervix was closed I started close contractions in this waiting room. We were meant to be transferred back to the first room to labour but it was in use so I was put in a normal delivery room. Posters of caring for newborns on the walls. I think I had a panic attack at this point which obviously didn’t help the pain. New midwife saw straight away I needed something but morphine took 20 mins to be drawn up. She did get gas and air at this point which was a big help.

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 01/12/2019 19:00

Aww this sounds so tough and highlights the importance of having the correct information.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 01/12/2019 19:00

Sorry for your loss.

Besidesthepoint · 01/12/2019 19:02

I lost my daughter at 18 weeks, she looked a lot like my brother. I was better prepared than you but still found it very traumatic. I had quite some sessions with a specialized psychologist and had EMDR and that helped massively. It doesn't mean I'm not sad but it's not traumatic anymore. So don't wait too long to get help.

We took lots of pictures and one of the midwives made foot and handprints for us. I treasure them. It took me a day to hold her because she felt so little and I was scared of "hurting" her body if you see what I mean. We cremated our little girl and her urn now lives in "her" room with a tiny little doll. It feels right to us.

Don't try to make decisions too quickly. Before the birth I thought I would want x, y and z and after the birth I had a total change of opinion. And that's ok.

Big virtual hug from me. It's a very hard event to go through. Please ask for help where necessary. The crying and feeling depressed will gradually get less.

Original poster
HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 19:03

So sorry to for your loss Besides. What’s EMDR if you don’t mind me asking?

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 01/12/2019 19:07

So so sorry for your loss of your beautiful baby boy.
I will light a candle tonight in his memory.
Take the time you need OP. Big hugs xx