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Original poster

Loss at 20 weeks (might be triggering)

48 replies

HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 13:04

Hi everyone,

First time poster, I’ve been reading mumsnet for a while and it seems like such a supportive place so hopefully someone is around to listen to my story.

My husband and I went for our 20 week scan on Thursday, we were so excited to find out the sex and see our little bean again after the 12 week scan. As soon as the sonographer began I could tell that something was wrong - she called over the other sonographer who confirmed. She turned the screen to us and said that there was no heartbeat - our baby had died at 13 weeks, meaning he had already been gone 7 weeks.

Cutting a long story short I gave birth to him yesterday. They said he was too small to officially say he was a boy but they thought he was, which is what I thought. They wrapped him in a little blue blanket. Labour was awful because the midwife didn’t believe how much pain I was in and was reluctant to change pain relief options. I gave birth to him half an hour later.

There’s lots more but it’s so indescribably sad I don’t know what to say. Thank you if you’ve made it this far x

OP posts:

Loveabiscuit · 01/12/2019 19:24

Absolutely heartbreaking for you op. I've had 3 miscarriages in the past few years but also have had two beautiful babies. So hard to stay focused and positive about it all but I really hope that you get the baby you deserve soon,I'm so sorry for you and your partner at this horrible time x

Original poster

HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 19:27

Thank you Pixie, so thoughtful of you x I have awful back pain, it feels so cruel that the physical pain just carries on.

OP posts:

Busymummy16 · 01/12/2019 19:35

I am so sorry for your loss. How competely devastating. I hope you can get some answers as to what happened and some emotional support in the coming months. Not the same at all but I had a MC at 11 weeks and haemorrhage and remember feeling like no one bothered with me from a medical perspective after it (as compared to post childbirth and I had lots of support and I felt worse post MC. Seems a gap but I know the nhs is under pressure). I wish you all the best for your recovery, I found it quite a stop start process and even now 4 years on I get upset. Best of luck xx

soph7777 · 01/12/2019 19:56

So sorry to hear. Losing a baby is awful especially at how far in you were. Take care of yourself and DH

Original poster

HenrysHome · 01/12/2019 20:05

I understand what you mean BusyMummy. I was discharged yesterday and we just feel totally abandoned by the hospital. I have no idea what happens next.

OP posts:

PixieDustt · 01/12/2019 21:56

@HenrysHome it's the least I can do. I'm so sorry you feel so lost. Contact your midwife for the next steps. They should be able to point you in the right direction for some support x

Besidesthepoint · 01/12/2019 22:07

Emdr is a therapy where you need to follow a light (sometimes while holding buzzers) while thinking of your trauma. It sounds woo but it is actually scientific. By trying to recall your memories while trying to follow a light your brain is too busy with different kinds of activities and gets tricked into storing your memories in another place. You don't forget anything but it becomes something that happened to you in your past, instead of a trauma that you have here and now. It gave me quite a lot of peace. I'm still sad that she's gone but it's so much easier to handle now. I felt ready to die before emdr, just didn't see the point of going on.

I know it sounds batshit, but it really works and helped me a lot. You do need a certified psychologist to do it though, you don't want a quack making things worse.

Proseccoagain · 01/12/2019 22:11

Feel for you so much. I lived in limbo for 6 weeks, as my baby must have died at about 12 weeks, and no-one one tested to see whether I was still pregnant or not. and had to wait 6 weeks with no-one one doing anything, just abandoned, until the inevitable happened. Ambulanced to hospital where doctor removed the baby, never saw anything, no pain relief.Then to theatre for a D&C. No follow up care. GP very unsympathetic. This was 1977, no specialist pregnancy units, no support, just nothing. I think they class it as a missed abortion...
..

Dowser · 01/12/2019 23:32

What a traumatic time you had and so very sad for you..
Has anyone given you an explanation why your son died?
Might that help with the healing.
I’m so very sorry.

housinghelp101 · 02/12/2019 06:00

So sorry for your loss OP xxx

Original poster

HenrysHome · 02/12/2019 09:06

That sounds good @Besidesthepoint i will look into it, thank you. So sorry you had to go through that @Proseccoagain, sounds horrifying xx

I ended up phoning the delivery suite last night as it was the only number given to me that seemed relevant. The lady on the phone was quite abrupt and arranged a visit from the bereavement midwife for today. She seemed very put out that I didn’t want the visit at my home.
The midwife who delivered baby was on shift and heard that I had phoned. She phoned me back and was very caring, we just chatted. She said I could phone her through the night if I wanted to talk or just wanted someone who had been there. What a caring angel xx

OP posts:

totallynotchanging · 02/12/2019 10:01

I'm so very sorry about your loss. I went through similar at 20 week scan, 12 years ago - having to go through labour like that is just awful. It will take time to heal. I found spending quiet time in nature helped as did lighting candles. Also watched a lot of nature DVDs so that there was little to trigger me and took my mind away for just a small time - it's exhausting crying so much! I'm so sorry about your experience with the hospital, that must have made a very difficult time much harder. But the old cliche about time being a great healer is true. You never forget, But it does get easier over time. We've gone on to have 2 beautiful kids, which has helped enormously. So there is hope, which is an amazing thing. I will light a candle for your lost little one. Xxx Sending you strength. Please keep talking here if you can, it helps to say those things here that maybe you can't say in real life X

OddestSock · 02/12/2019 10:13

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Bluerussian · 02/12/2019 10:49

I am so, so sorry Henry. How devastating for you, it is terribly sad.

The midwife not believing how much pain you were in was dreadful, adding insult to injury. In your circumstances I think you should have had every pain relief going. I suppose 'they' think labour will be quicker without because the baby won't be doing any work, it's all down to the mum - however I think it must be something very difficult to get over.

(EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/ )

Original poster

HenrysHome · 02/12/2019 10:56

Thank you everyone, this thread is such a support. I am waiting for a phone call from the hospital to arrange an appointment for today. I have so much I want to talk about and ask but I can’t bring my brain to form them into thoughts. I could have kicked myself last night when I had the delivery midwife on the phone. She was the one person who could have answered all my questions about the birth and my brain was too foggy to do or say anything other than cry.

OP posts:

JumpiestBat · 02/12/2019 11:53

You're coping extremely well don't worry about not asking or doing everything straight away. You're still digesting what's happened and it was traumatic. Just a suggestion: If and when you go in see if you can get a camera pic/grab of your notes if there are any.

beingmum39 · 02/12/2019 21:23

I cannot comprehend what you must be feeling .. I couldn't read your post without crying.

I am so sorry for your loss

Besidesthepoint · 03/12/2019 09:03

my brain was too foggy to do or say anything other than cry

I had this too. I couldn't talk about it without crying really bad and could only really have short conversations about it. Just talk through your tears or maybe write your questions down. And if necessary try again in a few weeks. Take your time.

Ohnoherewego62 · 03/12/2019 09:06

I am so sorry for your loss. Cant imagine how hard it must have been. 💐

spiderlight · 03/12/2019 09:10

I am so very sorry for your loss

Original poster

HenrysHome · 03/12/2019 09:32

Thank you for your messages of support everyone - it makes all the difference in the world. We met with the bereavement midwife yesterday who talked us through what happens next. I took my mum and mil as I knew I wouldn’t be able to listen to say anything. Completing his post mortem paperwork was so hard. Why should that have to be one of the first decisions I make for him as a mum? We met with the unit manager too to talk about the delivery. The more we spoke the more we realised that lots of things happened which made it even more traumatic than it should have been. She said we had grounds for a formal complaint but I don’t know whether that will prolong healing or help it. She gave us time to think.

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DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 03/12/2019 10:21

An almost identical thing happened to me.

I had my 12 week scan and the baby was there and apparently well, they measured me at 13 weeks 1 day.

A week later I had a horrible daunting feeling that something was wrong. I waited a day and I couldn't shift it. Eventually the feeling got the better of my and I booked myself in for a private scan - at this point I was 14+4.

I wasn't wrong. My baby's heart at stopped beating slap bang when I got that feeling of utter dread.

I always thought how awful it would have been to have found out at the 20 week scan. My heart goes out to you.

I went for medical management as well, and I had a little boy. His ands and feet were perfect. You could even see tiny nails.

I crashed mentally after that. I climbed into bed with wine and Valium and didn't emerge for a week. I sank into a very sudden and dark depression. I had to seek urgent psychotherapy to get myself out the hole. That helped a lot, after just a few sessions with her at her house.

It was worse because my older children were aware and excited, and now gutted and had to see their mum lose them plot.

We have another baby now, another boy. His due date was the same as the other baby's, strangely enough.

I will never forget that little boy that I lost though.

It's a cliche but it's true that you just need to take each day at a time. And talk when you're ready.

I have my baby's ashes, that helped immensely.

Original poster

HenrysHome · 10/12/2019 14:39

So sorry to hear of your loss @DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou. I’ve been considering counselling to help me process everything but not sure where to start x

OP posts:

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