Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

please please help me with my DS's behaviour. I don't know what to do.

44 replies

peepobaby · 28/11/2019 23:01

DS is 8. Great at school, behaves well, has friends etc. Everything fine there. However the last 18m or so his behaviour has gradually got worse particularly the last couple of months.

He becomes obsessive about something trivial and will literally push me to the edge with his incessant pestering. He doesnt stop till he's got what he wanted / his answer etc. I find it really stressful and I tell him I don't know/ not now etc but it's not good enough and then he starts assuming things. I do end up telling him off when it gets too much at which point he has pushed me too far. It always ends in tears with him being upset the rest of the evening.

I find the whole thing draining and it happens every single day.

I don't know if I've explained myself properly but it's not your usual sort of kids pestering. It's something else. It's really really intense.

OP posts:
Original poster
peepobaby · 28/11/2019 23:02

Oh no autocorrect has put dad's instead of DS!

OP posts:
peachgreen · 28/11/2019 23:04

What sort of things is he asking for? Are they unreasonable?

Singlenotsingle · 28/11/2019 23:08

Are you sure you're not just brushing him off, rather than giving him time and attention? I know we all get busy, but it would probably save more time just talking to him, rather than expecting him to stop "pestering".

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
youcancallmequeenE · 28/11/2019 23:11

Sorry if I've read this wrong op but the way you've worded it makes me think that what's actually happening is that you're not paying attention to the bigger picture rather than necessarily what's being said at the specific time.

How would you feel if you were brushed off every time you tried to talk to your family?

Original poster
peepobaby · 28/11/2019 23:11

It can be anything from where his dad is if he's gone out. If don't know the he will keep asking when will he come back, where has he gone, has he gone to x, has he gone to y, who did he go with, will he come back, and on and on. And then he might become worried that we don't know where dad is and where is he and whats he doing and why don't I know and why isn't he answering the phone and have you called again, when are you going to call again, has he now called back, check your phone, where's your phone, why isn't he answering our calls...........

OP posts:
CommunistLegoBloc · 28/11/2019 23:13

He sounds very anxious and like he feels like he's lacking control. Have you tried giving him responsibilities, closed choices, schedules for the day etc?

peachgreen · 28/11/2019 23:14

He's anxious. I suspect you'll get along a lot better if you make the effort to answer his questions in full when you can and assuage his anxiety when you can't. If it gets worse or doesn't improve, maybe a trip to the GP.

Original poster
peepobaby · 28/11/2019 23:15

No I'm not just brushing him.off. Its hard to explain. It's just so random anything can make him become almost obsessive. His reaction to things seems out of proportion.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 28/11/2019 23:16

So you say dad's a grown-up. He's a big, strong man. He can look after himself and he would be sad to think you're worrying about him.

ohwheniknow · 28/11/2019 23:16

Are they all that kind of anxious line of questioning?

ohwheniknow · 28/11/2019 23:17

By obsessive do you mean anxious, though?

Digestive28 · 28/11/2019 23:17

Sounds like anxiety. It maybe a sign of something going on he is worried about. It could be something that can be easily discussed like having watched a tv show or film that was scary or could be less so like bullying at school. Talk to him about the anxiety.

saraclara · 28/11/2019 23:20

Classic anxiety. And if it's been going on for 18 months, you really need to do something about it.

Original poster
peepobaby · 28/11/2019 23:25

Ok in the above example I can see that he might be worried not knowing where his dad was and that would make him anxious.

He's like this with other non anxiety inducing things.

So, another example is some booksets. Try cost quite a bit around £50 for 2. So then it's when are you going to buy them, why don't you use my money from my money box, a couple of months so does that mean in January? Where is my money box? When will you buy it? I can't find my money box, where is it? You've lost it. It's not there, I've checked in the other place you said where is it. You've lost all my money, how will you buy it. At this point he started crying. I knew it was somewhere in one of the cupboards in my wardrobe but wasn't sure exactly where. I had seen it the other day too. But that wasn't enough. He kept coming back to me asking which drawer. He came back 4 times asking me each time he's checked in the place and where else could it be.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 28/11/2019 23:30

Yes. That's anxiety.

Elieza · 28/11/2019 23:31

Sounds exhausting for both of you.
Defo some help wouldn’t go amiss. Could something have triggered it? Like stuff being hidden from him that he later found out about? Like a granny who was ill and died or something else upsetting that he didn’t understand?

Have you asked him why he wants to know. What he fears may be happening that you’ve not told him?

In my head I’m imagining that scene in Home Alone where the boy asks the adult a thousand questions and the guy asks what’s with all the questions, the boy says something like “I’m a kid. That’s my job” or suchlike.

Original poster
peepobaby · 28/11/2019 23:32

Oh shit. I feel like such a stupid shit mum.

How can I help him? What do I do????

OP posts:
peachgreen · 28/11/2019 23:36

You're not stupid. If you've never experienced anxiety yourself it can be hard to spot the signs. But if he's essentially having a panic attack every day then he definitely needs some help.

GP. And in the meantime, try giving him more substantial answers. Tell him where his dad is and when he'll be back. Help him look for his moneybox. I know it's a pain, but resetting him on firmer ground will help. They're little things to you but big things to him.

SignOnTheWindow · 28/11/2019 23:37

Was there anything stressful or different going on at home or school when this started 18 months ago? Can you think of any incidents, however small, that could have triggered it?

My dsis once saw my mum slip and fall into a canal. Mum was fine, but my sister, who was about 8, panicked and was terribly anxious for a long time afterwards, particularly when our parents left the house without us.

LittleMsM · 28/11/2019 23:37

I've not read other replies, but my son has done something similar but with toys he wants for christmas or next birthday - one night he got up early hours and repeatedly woke me up to talk about the thing - the next day I was so tired I could barely function - so I said you are banned from talking about that.... and it pretty much worked.

HairyDogsOfThigh · 28/11/2019 23:40

He does sound anxious, but with the book set example, knowing that he's naturally anxious, can you help him a bit earlier, before it escalates into crying.
One of my dd's is more highly strung than the other and where with one dd, i can fob her off with 'we'll look later', or 'I've seen it somewhere, don't worry', I've had to adapt my approach with the other dd as she would not accept being fobbed off. Now, i can read the signs as she starts to escalate and will stop what I'm doing and properly concentrate on what she's saying, and really listen to the need behind the questions. So, with the 'where's dad' question, i might ask him why he's asking. Is he concerned about his dad etc. With the book set, i would actually find the money box and show him the money was safe. They have very little control over their lives at 8 years old and sometimes need more reassurance that things are ok.

WillyWasAWatchdog · 28/11/2019 23:40

My daughter does this but she has high functioning autism. It's called perseveration and can be a coping mechanism for when kids feel overwhelmed, anxious or not familiar with a situation. www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/self-control/perseveration-adhd-and-learning-differences

SignOnTheWindow · 28/11/2019 23:41

You're not a stupid shit mum at all. Flowers

My dd is a very anxious child - she found 'What to Do When You Worry Too Much' by Dawn Huebner helpful at your son's age.

Herocomplex · 28/11/2019 23:42

Routine and reassurance that you are taking care of him.

This happened to us after an incident when DS was badly frightened when he was 7.

Make sure he knows what’s going to happen, maybe a planner that he can look at, keep things really simple for him. Talk about nice memories, plan nice things for the short and long term. Tell him where you’ll be, just keep the conversation positive and light.
You need to reassure him that you, his most trusted adult are looking after him, and that he is your child and will be taken care of.

I made his room super cosy, made bedtime a nice ritual, and made sure I was nearby just pottering while he fell asleep.

My son just gradually became calmer and happier again, and went back to being more independent.

Cuddles, nice, fun chats, reassurance and routine. And listen to him, refrain from too much advice, listen and let him know you’re hearing him.

Good luck 💐

Original poster
peepobaby · 28/11/2019 23:42

I am lying here with him on his bed as he was so upset and I honestly feel so so shit. All the times he was feeling anxious and I fucking told him off for it and probably made it worse.

SignOnTheWindow I can't think of anything but you know, i.had a baby last year. Do you think this could be a trigger? But why would that be a trigger. He adores his baby sister.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread