MiL and Christmas visit

[MangoSpice]

DH and I have been together for 25 years now. 16 years ago we moved 200 miles from his family and to be honest we'd probably be divorced now if we hadn't. His mother is a very difficult woman.

Traditionally she'd come to us on alternate years for Christmas. She was here last year which was an utter nightmare (I had a thread about it) and as a result I have gone VLC with her.

I was looking forward to this Christmas when the bombshell was dropped that she's coming again. MiL does nothing but sit on the couch while she's here. She has to sleep in the living room and so she's around 24/7. She's rude, passive aggressive and torments our poor dog. She's a dementor and sucks the joy out of any occasion. She doesn't interact with our DC either and they tend to hide in their rooms as much as possible.

I don't know how I'm going to survive it again!! Last year she told us she'd be here a week but told everyone else she'd be here for two weeks. For me 5 days is the maximum I could stand.

DH is expected to go and get her and take her home again. Last year it worked out she arrived the day schools closed (I'm a teacher) and planned on leaving the day before school restarted - no break for me! DH took her home after a week.

How do I get through this?

Why can't you say no? She sounds like a nightmare.

She is an utter nightmare!

As with many of these issues I have a DH problem. He wants to see her and wants her here for Christmas. He knows she's difficult but I think he feels guilty.

Previous thread is saturday here

Damn it. www.mumsnet.com/.../3460528-how-to-ask-mil-to-go-home-on- saturday

Why on earth don't you just say no. If you don't want her there then you don't have to host her. Don't be guilted into it. Is your Dh insisting that she comes? If so then why not suggest he goes to her instead? Or find a kindly relative of your own who would have you over to their house for a couple of days. I really don't understand these posts where people seem to be forced to host people they don't want. At the very least if she does end up coming let your Dh be the one to cook and clean and sort her bedding etc. I wouldn't lift a finger!

Well she is your DH’s mother and part of life is tolerating people you would rather not for the sake of those you love.

BUT, this can be easily resolved by speaking to your DH now and agreeing when he will collect and return her. He then needs to communicate this to her, not as a question but a statement of fact. If she wants to stay longer, tough, that doesn’t work for you. Your DH needs to stand firm.

I would be telling my husband to go to his mum's and stay there, but anyway...

I don't understand why you wouldn't put her in one of the children's rooms. Have the dc share a room or one of them can be on the couch. At least then she would have a place to go to get out from under you.

Is your DH an only child?

He’s happy for you and your children to have a horrible Christmas? Why is that? If he wants to see her and has to do the driving then he can go and spend it at hers.

What do you mean you found out she was coming again this year? That was the moment you should have said no. No, no, no fucking way, she’s not invading your home and upsetting you and the kids again.

200 miles clearly doesn’t protect you adequately and if your husband thinks he’s the boss and can dictate this sort of thing please don’t rule out divorce.

Why is she coming again this year - what reason was given? And if she really is as bad as you say (I couldn't open the link to your last thread), why are you putting your children through this She doesn't interact with our DC either and they tend to hide in their rooms as much as possible. Stand up for yourself and more importantly your children and don't subject them to a miserable christmas hiding in their rooms!

I assume they are older children so how many more christmases will they all be at home? Don't waste this precious time with them because you or you DH are too weak to stand up to your MiL! Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't understand why you are putting up with this.

You book some 'friends' into stay after 4 days. Sorry Mil we are fully booked this Christmas, We are not around until Christmas Eve but DH can pick you from the station when your train gets in. Bob and family are arriving enmasse on the 27th for a week. DH will see you to the station on the morning if the 27th.

Send dh to collect her then change the locks and close the curtains...
Fuck that.
Who decided to change the goal posts??
Book a trip away. One way.
Your dh is a twat.

So it's fine for you and the kids to have a shit Christmas again but not her?

Sod that.

I dont understand either OP. She can announce all she wants but you can say no.I dont get how you can have her and let the kids be upset all xmas.Its bloody ridiculous.Pick up the phone and say no way.Why should you and the kids and the dog for that matter suffer? Put your big girl pants on.pick up the phone and tell her sorry its not happening she has to make other arrangements.Bypass the husband totally and sort it out.You get no prizes on this earth for being a martyr.

I'd say she comes by train if possible? And DH drives her back.
I'd be telling DH you need a break over the holidays so she can come 23rd and he needs to drive her home boxing day or next day!. Be honest with him. You are being fair.
On the other hand I'd be telling mil I have long lost friends coming from afar on certain date- and unfortunately you need your sofa back.

It was DH dropped the bombshell. To be fair MiL hasn't been back since last Christmas and I have barely spoken to her over the last 12 months.

She wants to come to us as she feels her other sons drink too much and she doesn't want to be part of all that 🙄. To give you an idea of how awful she can be: our niece got married earlier this year. DH attended and his mum was delighted to have him all to herself. At the end of the meal she demanded they leave before the Sri king started as she didn't want to see it. They were back at her house by 7:30pm, the wedding as at 2:00pm.

I will discuss the length of visit with DH. To me 23rd-27th is more than enough.

As for allowing the visit, how can I disallow it? She's DH's mother! She's 81 and much as I dislike her she won't be around forever.

Spied there's no trains here at all. Our nearest station is 2 hours away.

www.mumsnet.com/.../3460528-how-to-ask-mil-to-go-home-on-saturday

Link

Book somewhere for your immediate family (you, your DH and your kids) to go away during the Christmas break, something between Christmas and New Year should cover it. Then if she wants to, she can rock up for Christmas Day and Boxing day but you're all off on a mini break and oh, dear, you didn't include her in the booking and it's too late to change it now.
Seriously, if you can't tell her that she can't come for the whole time, or even at all, you have to have a back-up plan!

Best of luck to you with it!

You can just tell dh that you had her last year and it’s still traumatic to recall, she can come for 2 days TOPS, or he can go and visit, there’s no room for her to stay like last time and it was a spectacular failure.

IF he wants a Christmas with you and the kids, then he listens, otherwise you and the kids will fuck off to a hotel and leave him and the dementor to it.

You disallow it by putting you and your kids first and the dog! You are resentful now about it all this will only get worse by xmas and you will be beside yourself by now.The other family drinking is her issue do not make it yours.Let someone else put up with her.Please dont put yourself and your kids through it cos one day they will say to you how their memories of xmas was ruined by granny misery arse being there and that is much harder to stomach than upsetting her when she has got somewhere else to go.

That’s true... as soon as the kids can vote with their feet, they will

As for allowing the visit, how can I disallow it? She's DH's mother! She's 81 and much as I dislike her she won't be around forever.
So your DC have to suffer a crap christmas 2 years in a row. How is that fair?

If you allow two years in a row instead of alternative years you will have actually agreed to her coming every year in his eyes. I'd be saying no but my husband isn't an arse.

Could you put her in one of the kids rooms and they share, so at least she doesnt have to be in the living room all the time and you can have some time without her in the mornings/evenings.

Make sure to book in some paid for activities from the 27th so she has to go home or even if she doesn't you'll have something to do away from her from a bit.