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Original poster

MiL and Christmas visit

56 replies

MangoSpice · 26/11/2019 16:24

DH and I have been together for 25 years now. 16 years ago we moved 200 miles from his family and to be honest we'd probably be divorced now if we hadn't. His mother is a very difficult woman.

Traditionally she'd come to us on alternate years for Christmas. She was here last year which was an utter nightmare (I had a thread about it) and as a result I have gone VLC with her.

I was looking forward to this Christmas when the bombshell was dropped that she's coming again. MiL does nothing but sit on the couch while she's here. She has to sleep in the living room and so she's around 24/7. She's rude, passive aggressive and torments our poor dog. She's a dementor and sucks the joy out of any occasion. She doesn't interact with our DC either and they tend to hide in their rooms as much as possible.

I don't know how I'm going to survive it again!! Last year she told us she'd be here a week but told everyone else she'd be here for two weeks. For me 5 days is the maximum I could stand.

DH is expected to go and get her and take her home again. Last year it worked out she arrived the day schools closed (I'm a teacher) and planned on leaving the day before school restarted - no break for me! DH took her home after a week.

How do I get through this?

OP posts:

maddy68 · 26/11/2019 17:11

I have all my family to stay over Xmas, they arrive Xmas Eve and leave the day after boxing day. We always book a few days away between xmas and new year. You could do the same. Say it's a surprise for oh so he Doesn't know. Do while she is welcome to come for X we have plans from X

frazzledasarock · 26/11/2019 17:12

Can you go to your family with your kids over Christmas?

Your H wants his mum, he can host her. She’ll probably be delighted to have him to herself.

Bet he’ll be horrified at having to do all the cooking, cleaning and entertaining of his mother.

Original poster

MangoSpice · 26/11/2019 17:13

I now have a mental image of my adult and teenage children dressed like extras from Oliver Twist sitting in the workhouse lamenting their ruined Christmas .

I'll reach a suitable compromise with DH for the length of stay with the proviso that he takes time of work on the days either side of Christmas so I'm not left here to entertain her. I am not outright banning his mother from our home despicable as she is.

Our children will be fine, of that I am sure but I will speak to them tonight to gauge their feelings on the matter.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Goldenchildsmum · 26/11/2019 17:17

Well ....that all sounds just fine, OP. Not totally sure why you needed to start a thread as it's so easily sorted

Bluerussian · 26/11/2019 17:18

Oh is your mother in law Sinhalese?

24th-27th sounds OK to me, make sure you limit the visit to that, you can pretend you have plans starting 28/12.

Original poster

MangoSpice · 26/11/2019 17:19

Well, I was hoping for support and reasonable suggestions. Not to be roasted for asking for advice. I should have known better really.

OP posts:

Original poster

MangoSpice · 26/11/2019 17:20

Sinhalese . Stupid phone! Should have said before the drinking started.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/11/2019 17:20

Why can't she stay in one of the bedrooms?

Purpleartichoke · 26/11/2019 17:25

Limit the length of the stay and book her a hotel room. She’ll be so much more comfortable in a real bed and with her own bathroom.

Original poster

MangoSpice · 26/11/2019 17:31

This is going to sound like I'm rejecting all suggestions and I promise I'm not.

She can't have a bedroom as there isn't one for her to have. Our two youngest already share and DS2 has a tiny bedroom that he and DS1 will have to share - that'll be a real squeeze!

Hotel is unfortunately impossible or I'd be booking right now. We moved over the summer and now live miles from the nearest hotel (although that many not be a bad thing...).

What I will do is discuss things with DH and set boundaries so we don't have a repeat of the misery of last year.

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 26/11/2019 17:35

How can you not allow it? You can refuse to play host. She's 81 and could live to be 95 - enjoy the next few christmases with the same dilemma.

AuchAyeTheNo · 26/11/2019 17:38

I’d be saying no and if DH pushes tell him to go to her.

It’s not fair that everyone has an awful christmas because of 1 person. You and your DC deserve to have a good time too.

EggysMom · 26/11/2019 17:42

She can't have a bedroom as there isn't one for her to have ... Hotel is unfortunately impossible

Tent in the garden? Do you know anyone with a caravan you can borrow for the drive?

Seriously though, limit the stay by defining the days; insist DH takes time off work, he should be entertaining her and not you; and if need be, plan yourself some activities out of the house on all except the main days.

FizzyGreenWater · 26/11/2019 17:44

No, you say no.

You only have a finite number of Xmases with your children at home.

You had her last year. This year she goes to another son whether she likes it or not. She doesn't like going there? Well you don't like her coming to you, why is what she prefers more important than what you prefer? At no point need she be on her own.

'We had her last year. I'm prepared to have her next year, but I need a break, and she has two other children. It may not be her preferred option but tell her we are not hosting this year. Alternate years are fair.'

FizzyGreenWater · 26/11/2019 17:46

Oh and the reason she is doing this is because you have pushed back and goen LC and she wants to regain control.

Make it very, very clear that is NOT going to happen by telling her you are not available this year and you are concerned that it isn't fair on her other sons so she needs to go to one of them.

You need to make the point that going forward, you decide what happens in your home. She is invited, she does not invite herself.

Likethebattle · 26/11/2019 17:46

I remember your last thread. I would tell your husband you do not want her to come but for his sake will compromise. She can come on 24th but must leave on Boxing Day or 27th at the latest.

flouncyfanny · 26/11/2019 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mbosnz · 26/11/2019 18:04

If she hates people drinking. . .MIL bingo drinking game?!

FizzyGreenWater · 26/11/2019 18:15

Traditionally she'd come to us on alternate years for Christmas. She was here last year

So you absolutely are REASONABLE to say no and you absolutely should.

She comes every other year.

She is coming next year.

It's not fair on your brothers. It's not fair on us.

I think after last year we very much need a break, or do you want to risk an even bigger falling out DH?

She goes to your brothers.

The end.

SarahNade · 26/11/2019 18:22

@MangoSpice How can you disallow it??? EASILY!!! Just....say.....NO. It would be different if your DH is an only child and she had no other family. She has other sons she can go to, as you say. She is taking the piss, your 'D'H is taking the piss, and you are letting it happen. No way on this bloody earth would I allow her there, especially is she tormented my animals! Wtf? How do you and your husband even allow that?

For goodness sake, get a backbone. Tell your husband under no circumstances is she ever to visit your house ever again. Not just at Christmas time, ever again. If he wants to see her, he can go and visit her himself. Like hell would I have someone at my house who tormented my pets. Animals should feel safe in their own home, not miserable. Why do you continue to come on here, if you are not going to take advice? I remember your last thread. For goodness sake, just act like an adult and tell him NO! That if he brings her here, he can spend Christmas alone with her, as you will leave. FFS, it really is that simple. But of course, you will cave, allow him and her to take the piss and make you and your poor dog miserable because they know you will never stand up for yourself. Then you will be on here, yet again, around Christmas time, giving us a daily blow by blow of the misery she causes. We can only help those who want to be helped, it doesn't sound like you want any advice or help. Because a self-respecting person would not put up with even 10% of what you do. There is nothing more infuriating and pitiful than someone being a martyr who clearly will never do anything to change things. You are wasting our time. Sorry to be harsh, but ffs, read your husband the riot act, tell him he can leave and move into a motel if he dares allow her to darken your door ever again. Mean it. Make sure he knows this is divorce arena. It is so simple, which is why reading your posts is so infuriating. You seem to love misery.

Disfordarkchocolate · 26/11/2019 18:29

I remember your thread from last year without having to read it. There is no way you can set boundaries for this visit, your husband has already declared you don't have by announcing his mother is coming without discussing it. I'm not an animal lover but the pet tormenting would have been a point of no return for me. Your children can speak up, your pet can't.

From what you've said about the wedding and last year's thread your husband's relationship with his mother is his most important relationship. That's not a marriage I would be happy in.

crochetandshit · 26/11/2019 18:38

I think this might be a power play as you have dared to go vlc.
She is showing you who's boss, and it looks like she's right.
That, or your bil has told her she's not welcome, has anyone spoken to bil?

Iloveacurry · 26/11/2019 18:43

Speak to your husband. As he needs to collect her and drop her home, surely you and he can dictate how long she can stay. It’s also your Christmas holiday too and you should able to relax in your own home. 4 days is ample.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 26/11/2019 18:44

I simply wouldn't have her, but I don't find it difficult to say no and have some basic boundaries. Your DH sounds like a total enabler. No way would I allow her to get away with her behaviour. Your poor animals, at least stick up for them.

onthecoins · 26/11/2019 18:50

Get the booze in OP! Put her off coming next year. Get all of the worst scummiest types of alcohol.

Greet her at the door with a tin of tennants and have multiple bottles of white lightning visible. Continually offer her a wkd or a hooch.

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